Have you been watching the CW’s latest teen soap, Reign?

You totally should! It’s about this fearless brunette HBIC-type who wears lots of headbands and is all tied up in intrigue and has minions and— HEY WAIT JUST A DAMN MINUTE!

There. FTFY, CW.

 

I mean, sure. Queen Mary and Queen B aren’t exactly alike. Queen Mary seems nice enough (FOR NOW) whereas Blair was pretty much a raging biatch from the onset. Although, by the end of the series Blair had morphed into a biatch-with-a-heart-of-gold so it’s not a complete stretch that by the end of Reign, Queen M will have enough of Catherine de Medici trying to kill her, etc., and pull a Walter White to let her inner Blair shine through.

Wow, those were a lot of TV references in one paragraph. I hope you’re keeping up.

ANYWAY. Perhaps you’ve got a country or a private school to rule. How can you reign as Mary and Blair did? Follow these two easy steps:

 

STEP ONE: GET MINIONS

Minions are the best!

They do whatever you want! Whether it’s crossing the English channel to live at French court, or crossing the street to pick up your accessories for the masked ball, minions are at your beck and call.

You can even dress them alike.

Monochrome is an easy choice, although do remember that it can be difficult to match blacks.

When in doubt, coordinate lipsticks. Bright berry is a good choice.

If you anticipate standing together as a group, make sure you have the most bling. Queens are never upstaged by their ladies-in-waiting.

It helps if you can categorize them into stereotypes — the boho one, the sweet one, the crafty one, etc.

Pro tip: If you can’t be bothered to remember your minions’ names, choose ladies with the same name as you. That’s what the real Queen Mary did. Imagine the convenience of only needing to holler* one name!

*Ladies do not holler.

 

STEP TWO: ALWAYS WEAR A CROWN

ALWAYS. It can be lightweight, with pearls.

 

 

Or made out of unexpected materials.

Occasionally wear one that resembles a real crown. Just to remind them YOU = QUEEN.

But be sure your hair is up to the task. Nobody respects a queen with sad hair.

See? This is so much better.

For reals, there’s no excuse for bad hair. If they could do it in the 16th century, you can do it in the 21st.

 

 

BUT. Take care that you don’t pass your crown along to someone who will say embarrassing things in the press while wearing too much eyeliner and not enough clothing.

You DO NOT want to be known as the queen who effed up her dynasty by choosing the wrong successor. History hates a loser who makes poor decisions.

 

Oh, hey. Speaking of history, we have all sorts of additional opinions on Reign. Check back mid-week for more 16th 17th 18th 19th indeterminate-century fashiunz.

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