This week on “It’s Nolan’s Party And I’ll LOL If I Want To”: Whatever your feelings are on season three Revenge(!!!), you have to agree that they’ve stepped up their style game considerably. They’ve batted 3/3 thus far for overall awesomeness, much of which has been worn by Nolan. So of course this week’s ep, which features Nolan’s Swans n’ Sailors Housewarming Party would be the sartorial highlight thus far. In plot-type news, nobody seems to find it weird that Emily is basically Conrad’s new nurse, Margaux is filling in that same “other adult aged European lady” role as Ashley by kinda flirting with Jack, Nolan and Patrick are making baby steps toward being the Romeo and Julio of The Hamps and oh yeah, Conrad still has 9 lives. 


Queen V’s Sausage Casing Dress Clearance Sale

Is it just me, or is Victoria’s daily uniform of jewel-toned body-con knee-length dress becoming SO BORING. This is like Revenge(!!!)’s version of the Emily Fields tee-and-jeans snoozefest, or the True Blood flannel shirt count. I’m pretty sure the costume department just bought the same dress in bulk, in every colour they could find.

This week, we got to see her uniform in royal blue… 

 

… and in red, accessorized with psychotic rage and a Grecian urn.

 

And OK, gurl showed some slight variation this week with this (gasp) halter-neck number in jade green.

It’s not like these looks don’t look great on her, but the whole loose hair + jewel toned mid-length dress is THE SAME EVERY WEEK. Maybe Madeleine Stowe got this look written into her contract or something?

 

Ross and Thorne, Partners in Style

These two, seriously. This show struck gold with both of these actors, and their scheming chemistry together is like a one in a billion situation. On top of all that, they constantly look like a million bucks as they scheme and pose. They’re both working bright colours at their first meet-up, which I’m sure they each chose so as to best flatter Nolan’s white-on-white decorating style. 

Right? This is like an unused shot for a Swedish department store catalogue. Emily’s green sundress has both a sweet halter-neck AND a subtle peplum. It’s much fussier than her usz, and I love her all the more for this.

“But Ann!” you say. “Nolan’s obviously wearing a white sweater so what are you talking about bright colours?” To which I reply, “Look closer, my friends…”

And OK yeah, he’s wearing that neckerchief like he’s on Day 15 of Survivor, but still. That sort of detail elevates his (admittedly pretty sweet) fisherman’s sweater. The fact that we aren’t even discussing his red skinny pants is a clue that his outfits are about to get a lot juicier.

 

Like, for instance, his oh-so-casual poolside attire for his Meet Cute with Patrick.

#NOLTRICK

I’m calling it now, you guys. The showrunner was oh-so-coy when discussing Nolan’s season 3 love interest, not even giving a pronoun so we wouldn’t guess the gender. But after all gurl went through with Crazypants Tyler and then Extremely Dead Padma, he deserves all of this Grayson-adjacent deliciousness.

I don’t care he’s not technically wearing anything in this picture. Patrick Osborne will be appearing in every single YKYLF Revenge(!!!) recap because he knows his birthday suit is the best suit he can ever wear.

 

But let’s take another gander at Nolan’s swim ensemble. We’ve got swim trunks, a pinstripe vest AND the red-and-blue embellished fedora.

PINSTRIPE VEST. No shirt. No shoes. This is like beyond varsity level menswear.

There is no other human, in the history of time, who could wear this outfit AND reel in a piece like Patrick. Think about this. He wore this outfit AND managed to charm his way into a quasi-star-crossed flirtation with Queen V’s son. PLUS if things work out with #NOLTRICK then they can go out with Ems and Daniel on double-dates! How cute is it for the Revenging Roommies to be dating BROTHERS? I die.

 

Emily maintains her usual breezy Montauk style with this killer eyelet top and swingy pendent ensemble.

And of course, her best accessory — Rapunzel-like locks and her trademark “I’m the sweet girl next door!” facial expression. You’d never know girlfriend was on her way to blackmail a priest, ninja-style, in a confessional.

 

She’s still in the eyelet top when Nolan arrives for a visit in his FREE NOLAN mugshot tee and bright green skinnies.

Dying over here. Not only is this shirt amah-zing (and available at the ABC store!) but his appearance in this shirt was the perfect punchine to Emily’s “Nolan’s sooo ashamed of having been arrested” lie to Daniel.

 

I’m not sure, but I think Emily’s final look may have been partially inspired by Nolan’s sailor-themed party. I mean, we’ve seen Mz Thorne in countless nautical ensembles, but here she’s working the fancy lady version of his Fantasy Island captian jacket:

And on that subject, I guess I can’t put this off forever… 

 

Nolan’s World: Party Time Excellence

First came the swan-vitations:

Which are a great IDEA, but the execution is a bit… junior high prom, no? Like, the paper swan cutout is great, but the card stuck on the back of the box looks like it was whipped off in five minutes on Microsoft Word and attached via Scotch Tape.

 

But who cares? This isn’t a Grayson buttoned-up stiff-upper-lip fundraiser, this is Ms. Nolan Ross’s baccanalia/housewarming. The theme seemed to have something to do with both swans and old-timey sailor costumes and Nolan outdid himself with as Hostess with the Mostess Bea Arthur Level Fabulous Outfit.

So we’ve got the aforementioned tuxedo/captain’s jacket along with what can only be described as slacks. These are practically harem pants, but not quite. He’s sock-free, as ever, with little tasseled smoking slippers. Oh, and a turtleneck.

 

I’m guessing he didn’t explain the dress code properly on the invitations, since the guests seemed evenly divided between ladies in Bedazzled bikinis and the Graysons in their usual summer formalwear. The Sisters Clarke fit in OK, but these looks would also work at a charity luncheon.

Charlotte’s still all about being CHARLOTTE 2.0 in this leather bustier and palazzo pants combo that screams, “I spent the summer in Europe! Ask me my thoughts on Greece!” Emily’s channeling Grace Kelly in this bolero jacket and white body-con, though the hair is a bit severe and Betty Francis-esque. 

 

Oh, and Queen V was there in SURPRISE a white body-con dress. I mean, the asymetrical black pattern on this L’Wren Scott dress is interesting but can she please change things up like at all, ever?

 

After coercing Jack to bring Margaux to the shindig, Charlotte proceeded to play the role of Fairy Godmother, getting him all gussied up in this… taupe suit? Really? I appreciate the baby step away from flannel and hoodies (preach, Char), but I’d have gone with something a bit less Gatsby-ish for this guy.

He and Margaux make an unlikely duo, but they’re the only two unattached people aged 25-35 on this show so destiny, and the conservation of secondary characters, means they needed to wind up together in some capacity. Still, Margaux is a good match for him, at least height-wise. They’re like two little European hobbits next to Emily’s Amazonian stature.

As ever, Margaux is doing an admirable job of filling in as Not-Ashley, wearing a variety of really, really cute dresses (like the Laundry by Shelli Segal number above and below) and batting her eyes at all the boys until the show figures out who to hook her up with. Her mod 60s Paris aesthetic really does me in. 

Love. Her.

 

European Style

Who else but Margaux would a) wear this top to work bra-less and b) spend an entire scene bending over like this in said top:

ABC was sooo close to a FCC fine during this whole scene. But of course Margaux knows just how far she can lean forward without a nip slip. Also? Love her blue umbrella painting on the wall just behind her. Maybe you didn’t catch the show’s very subtle hints: SHE’S FROM FRANCE.

 

So of course Charlotte “I WENT TO EUROPE AND ALL I GOT WERE THESE BANGS” Grayson is on her like white on rice, practicing her terrible French and reminiscing about that time she got croissants on the Seine.

What’s black and white and red all over? Charlotte, this season. At least she’s settled on a true red, rather than black-red lipstick. 

 

And I have to share Margaux’s other look this week, a sleeveless, ruffle-front black (top? dress?). She seems to have caught a case of Ashley-itis, where half her outfit remains hidden off camera.

You guys, I’m starting to really, really want this haircut.

 

Conrad’s School of Foreshadowing Studies

Do you know what foreshadowing is? It’s when, for instance, out of nowhere, Conrad appears in a driving outfit (complete with DRIVING GLOVES because OF COURSE), and Queen Victoria’s like “But the doctor said you can’t drive anymore because: Huntington’s.”

And Conrad’s like, “I know we’ve never mentioned this on the show before, let alone the fact I have a car or that I enjoy driving, but ME AND MATTHEW CRAWLEY REALLY LIKE DRIVING IN CARS!”

 

So that when he drives off with Father Hottie, we aren’t taken by surprise that he totally drives the car into a pole and it explodes.

 

You know, ideally they would have mentioned the car like ten episodes ago (shows like Breaking Bad would have mentioned the car like two seasons ago), but they do what they can.

 

And of course Conrad survived the crash. Dude can’t have many more of his nine lives left though, right?