This week on WELCOME BACK SHOW!!!: As per usz, we pick things up six months after last season ended, so as to begin on Labour Day. All our chess pieces are put in place by the time the opening credits roll as follows: Emily still engaged to Daniel but not for love; Charlotte’s lost her baby and got new bangs; Queen V has been holed up with Patrick and acting weirdly happy; Connie’s the Governator; Nolan’s sprung from jail; and Jack’s back in his bar. Everything’s in place for another summer of revenging good times.

 

Mother Of The Year

Queen V has apparently spent the past six months (i.e. winter and spring) horseback riding with her new most favourite child, Patrick.

Did anyone else get a kinda creepy incesty vibe from these two? Or is it just bizarre to see her looking so smiley — at least, I think that’s the expression she’s trying to do through all the Botox.

 

She slips into one of her patented sausage casing dresses later, this a cap-sleeved Alexander McQueen. Has she ever worn patterns before? I recall V’s been all about all-white and all-red ensembles, so does this black and white print reflect her character growth?

But seriously, there is something so creepy about her being so smiley. So. Many. Smiles.

 

Later, of course, she shrink-wraps herself into a white Antonio Berardi dress with sheer panels that is both a) entirely inappropriate for a politician’s wife and b) exactly like something she would have worn pre-Patrick.

I think what we’ve learned here is that Conrad is a bad fashion influence on her. Snaps for Charlotte’s Baby Stevie Nicks meets Nicole Richie ensemble.

 

Don’t Call It A Comeback

Charlotte apparently spend the hiatus burning her old supply of sweet floral sundresses and investing in extremely powerful flatirons. And girl, she’s never looked better. Her first appearance in the stables showcases a slightly Aria Montgomery style with the 10 Crosby Derek Lam striped pants, blousy top and Helmut Lang smoking jacket.


I DIE.

 

She next appears in my fav outfit of the week, in a tweed jacket, leather leggings, gladiator booties, and a red top with cutout sleeves.

Interesting how the blazer’s pattern is reminscent of Queen V’s dress earlier, right? Charlotte’s strategy to bounce back seems to be turning into her Mom’s Mini-Me. Real talk: she could do worse. PS: this is the top she’s wearing under the tweed blazer. Work it, Baby V.

 

Though I have mixed feelings about her dark, dark, dark red lippie at the Labour Day shindig.

I’m all about the House of Harlow style necklace, though. Between that and the bangs, she’s like a modern-day goth Cleopatra up in here.

 

So Long Farewell

Ashley’s finally outworn her welcome, after working like seventeen different random jobs for the Graysons. You knew her days were numbered when she boldly attempted to blackmail Emily in public, in the middle of the day. True to form, we have no idea what the bottom of this dress looks like.

OK, yes we do because it’s this DKNY racerback dress. Still, what shoes is she wearing?? I will admit the studded bag is killer. I’ll miss her knack at accessorizing.

 

Oh and this Cushnie Et Ochs dress, worn to the white party, was fifty shades of cray.

It’s kinda like her boobs are winking at me. Farewell, gorgeous! Hopefully your next gig will be somewhere they let us see your shoes!

 

Return of the Revenging Roomies

As much as Queen V and Charlotte have made attempts to change their looks, Mz Emily Thorne has clearly remained true to her misleadingly wholesome, vanilla aesthetic. Knowing she’s a secret ninja makes her soft looks so much more interesting, right?

First, she looks every bit the carefree bride-to-be she’s pretending to be in this comfy maxi sundress.

 

Then, she springs Nolan from jail in one of her usual equestrian socialite looks. This is seriously like an evil blond Kate Middleton look, from the dark wash skinnies to the J Brand top to the white blazer. 

Glad to see Nolan back in the game, too! I missed my TV boyfriend.

 

I’m going to assume his ex-Revenging Roomie had his wardrobe moved, because otherwise I’m not sure how Nolan went straight from jail to this yellow layered look. 

No socks? No problem! You just know Nolan’s psyched to be able to wear his whites before Labor Day.

 

While V, Ashley and Charlotte were all paying strict attention to the dress code of Em’s White Party, Emily herself shows her many layers with this red-and-gold-and-white shift. She’s def pulling off her role as a Society Lady Of The Future with the pulled-back hair and sensible earrings.

 

We get to see the back is equally beautiful when she greets Nolan after his Best Entrance Ever.

 

Stop. Rewind. Nolan literally CRASHED THE PARTY in a PARACHUTE and then ripped off his air suit to reveal THIS.

POCKET SQUARE INTACT.

Slow clap.

 

BEEFCAKE OF THE WEEK 

While both of Victoria’s sons were wandering around gratuitously shirtless, Patrick wins the Battle of the Half-Bros. I mean, clearly. If you have any doubts this season is going to be amazing, please pause to consider this next screencap:

This is like McSteamy 2: Even Steamier. I have a really good feeling about this season, you guys. I also have a really good feeling all over… hmm…

 

WELCOME BACK OLD FRIEND

Oh, Red Sharpie. I missed you most of all.