Who doesn’t love a good S&M theme restaurant? This week, the girls explore pleasure, pain, and fetishes as Charlotte and Miranda meet men with eccentric interests. Both relationships start off fantastic but take a sharp turn towards whackadoodle quickly. Poor Carrie really bears the brunt of the pain in this episode when her relationship with Big derails (leaving her wearing a beret and throwing fast food… not a good look). 

 

So… color me prudish, but does anyone else find this restaurant opening party 50 Shades of unsanitary? 

 

I’d prefer that the slapping and tickling were done away from my food. The kinky kitchen doesn’t seem to bother all of perverted partygoers at Samantha’s latest work event. 

Step right up folks! Your raunchy ringleader Samantha Jones is dressed to impress. Love the top hat and pin curls. 

 

Not so much the oh-so-90s heart choker I’m pretty sure I saw in a Delia’s catalogue in 1997. That being said, I like how the neckline makes her look like a courtesan in Renaissance Italy. I’m pretty sure that was her plan.

 

So, remember the whole unsanitary issue? Miranda seems to agree.

 

PS – five points if you can find the boob-tastical photobomb in the background of this screen cap. She’s like a topless Where’s Waldo

 

The party invitation said “kinky” which apparently Charlotte took to mean she should kink her hair and wear a middle school prom dress.  

 

Girlfriend needs to age her look up at least ten years. SPOILER: she does not.

 

After their erotic eats, Carrie pops over to see Big before his trip to Paris. She finds him wearing THE WORST SHIRT EVER.

 

Is this like a navy blue Rorschach test? Let’s see… that blob looks like a kitty cat and that blob looks like a man who is about to get in a major fight with this girlfriend. Should have picked a different top, dude. 

 

That being said, Carrie is owning this S&M Mad Hatter look. And I’m totally jelly of how straight she got her hair. 

 

Anyway, Rorschach Big and Mad Hatter Bradshaw get into a major fight when he mentions he may move to Paris. Note: try not to start a fight with a woman carrying a bullwhip.

 

From whips to toes, sweet Charlotte is happy to cross paths with a foot fetishist who gives her discounts on shoes in exchange for spending time with her feet.

 

Her toes must be pretty exquisite to keep him interested despite her 12-year-old-girl-at-a-sleepover cami and vinyl skirt ensemble.

 

Across town, Miranda comes face to face with her own kinky guy — GOB from Arrested Development!! Jack.

 

Fellow bookworm Jack was so into Miranda’s taste in books, he failed to notice her t-shirt and hair are identical shades of coral. Tangerine dream aside, the two exchange numbers and plan to get together.

 

The girls meet for brunch, where Carrie equates her relationship with Big to S&M. Or something. I was too entranced by Samantha’s voluminous tresses to pay total attention. 

 

How did she get that lift in the crown? Obvi some serious round brush action was happening chez Jones. I also detect the faintest outline of shoulder pads, so apparently she’s swapped out Delia’s for Talbot’s. 

 

Even Sam’s locks can’t compare with Carrie’s dissheveled blowout. WANT. 

 

Somehow, she’s working this frizz. Possibly it has something to do with her delicate layered necklaces. Fighting with Big clearly agrees with her.

And I haven’t even gotten to the rest of her outfit.

 

Sooo summery and pretty with the cornflower blue and white pattern. She’s coordinated with her bed linens, like, that is a varsity level fashion achievement.

 

Anyway, Miranda’s first date gets steamy when she learns GOB Jack’s kink: having sex where they can get caught.

 

Apparently he’s also got a weakness for women in cap-sleeve tees (yuck) and ill-fitting khakis (double yuck). Though he’s not much better in his size XXL short sleeve button down.

 

After a few (dozen) drinks, Carrie and her gorge hair decide to drunk dial Big in Paris to discuss her feelings because hey, drunk international phone calls are always a good idea, right?

 

 

The best part of this whole conversation is that they are using real phones. Remember when everyone had land lines and phones with cords? #nostalgia

 

Miranda steps up her style for her second date with Exhibionist Jack, though I’m pretty sure he’s wearing the same shirt as their first date.

 

This time, he and his fetish to always wear the same shirt get her to hook up with him in the back of a cab. This has got to stop! As Carrie explains, “This is a relationship, not Outward Bound.” 

 

Foot fetishee Charlotte meets Mir and Carrie to show off her latest kicks. Yet again, Carrie steals the show with her perfect locks and boho-inspired outfit.

 

I can’t even with Miranda’s shirt. I think it’s actually making my eyes bleed. Though Charlotte’s ensemble continues her bizarre infatuation with dressing like a preschooler, she’s hiding something below the ankle… 

A toe ring! 

 

Pretty sure this is the first toe ring to ever appear on YKYLF so… thanks? I guess?

But seriously, between the toe ring, Sam’s choker and Mir’s shirt, this week’s episode was like a reminder of some of the most regrettable trends of the late 90s. If only they could embrace a more timeless, possibly European style influence…

 

Bonjour! Carrie appears to apologize for being le bitch while he was overseas. 

 

To the surprise of no one, this goes badly. But could you have guessed she’d throw a Filet-o-Fish at the wall?

 

Suffice it to say, Carrie and Big break up. Again. The trauma turns her hair curly again.

 

“And just like that, I had untied myself from Mr. Big. And I was free, but there was nothing exquisite about it.”

 

You know what is exquisite? This insane purple shirt.

 

We KNOW that this isn’t the last we’ll see of Mr. Big. No one makes a permanent exit wearing eggplant.