Has there been a weird, gaping hole in your life since Kristin drove off and left Brody by himself on a soundstage? Has there been no schemeing or gossip? No eye rolls big enough to replace those of LC or Lo? Well my friends, there is a place where the sand and sun softly collide — but that’s not all that collides. ABC Family has brought us The Vineyard and peronalities gonna collide, y’all. Thus far, it mixes the magic of The Hills with the class divide of The OC (another void we’ve been feeling around the YKYLF staff room…nothing was ever the same after Ryan carried Marissa from the flaming wreckage), with a dash of Dawson’s Creek.

I’m only one episode in, but this could be the summer meringue (light, fluffy, tasty, but with no nutrition) we’ve all been searching for. The male shirtlessness is as gratuitous as any YKYLF staffer could ever hope for, there’s eye rolling, gossip, whispers, bitchfacing, and kissing. A whole heck of a lot of kissing, my friends. And somewhere in between all of that, they go to work. But whatevs. Work schmerk.

Here are our East Coast Beach Reality TV Friends!

They are the beachiest! All the fashions are light and airy and ready to be tossed aside for a string bikini. Most of the ladies are wedging it up footwear wise, which seems moderately sensible when it comes to boardwalks. I’m a little concerned for our friend in stilettos, because I fear for her safety when one of those heels gets caught in between two planks of wood.

 

But wait. Wait, wait wait. Who is that in the lower left hand corner?

Sigh. No. They didn’t transplant that dough head to Martha’s Vineyard. But we’ll get to this be-toqued fellow momentarily. Let’s meet the cast and their character types (those are straight from ABC Family) and give them some pro-tips, seeing as some of us have been there and done that.

 

The Regulars

They seem to avoid the bad rap of being “Wash Ashores” from the Locals. One of them may even be a Local. This could all change in episode two.

Katie, “The Free Sprited Beauty”

I like to think of Katie as Our Hero, mostly because she narrates. She also seems mostly sensible. She’s just trying to figure life out in her early 20s. She doesn’t know what she wants to be when she grows up and she’s not sure if her and her (off camera/off island boyfriend) are Made For Each Other or not. I get that. I went to Banff and did this same deal, but my room in staff housing wasn’t nearly as glam and my uniform wasn’t nearly as cute (knee socks and polyblends kill style). She’s besties with the managers at the Black Dog Café and that means she gets the best room. Dudes in the house love her and she goes way, way back with Lou. So naturally, the other girls are bitchfacing her hard. She rocks a scarf like a pro and wears giant wedges on the boat over. I might like her.

Pro-tip: if the question is “break up or get serious”, the answer is always break up. Also, watch your back when you live with a group of ladies. Things get nasty when your cycles sync. 

 

Gabby, “The Confidant” and Jackie, “The Aspiring Writer”

Okay, so I’ll admit, I’m still trying to keep everyone straight on this show. The first episode was a blur of sunkissed blonde hair. One of these girls seems to be a Local and lives with her mom. The other said, “I want to be mad at him, but he’s so cute” when Lou showed up late to work. That might even be the same person. The other yelled at Lou and his beach body when he showed up late. These two are managing the café and shop and they drive a jeep around. One is looking for love. And nothing can ever go well for the girl who is the Confidant. People are going to dump their secrets on her and at some point, you either spill the beans or you go crazy.

Pro-tip: find a way to help me tell you apart. Nameplate necklaces? That might help. And listen to your mother about dudes. She knows. 

 

Lou, “The Hopeless Romantic”

While I had hoped he’d be our Justin Bobby, he’s quickly becoming one of my favourites. Reasons why? He’s yet to show any real signs of douchebaggery, he broods and makes eyes at his old friend Katie, tries to keep douchebags from hitting on her and then goes all Ryan-on-the-OC and fights for her honour on the beach. He also quickly shoots down ladies who bad mouth Katie by saying, “she’s my friend and she’s a good person.” Keep on being the nice guy and taking your shirt off and you’ll have a fan club Lou.

Pro-tip: man up and tell a girl you like her. Waffing on this shit will do no one any good. However, we ask that you leave the toque in your duffle bag for the rest of the summer. It’s uncalled for, style-wise. 

 

The Wash Ashores

We quickly learn that Locals have no problem calling you a Wash Ashore to your face. I get that you hate your town being overrun with rich people in the summer, but it strikes me as a teeny bit rude to say it to their face. You know how the old saying goes: if you’ve got nothing nice to say, say it behind their back. Having said that, some of our Wash Ashores earn their bad reputation.

Jon “The All-American Pre-Med”

Oh. My. God. I want to punch you in the faces. For absolute reals. It’s like a producer said, “can someone with good abs come on the show and be our douchebag?” and he volunteered. I mean, I know Lou was dressed like a Justin Bobby knock off, but maybe try to be friendly to the guy who’s going to sleep mere inches away from you. What if he was Lou “The Psycho Ex-Con” instead of Lou “The Hopeless Romantic”? Huh? What then? And while he’s all “Lou’s got no game” (as Lou and Katie catch up), I’m going to be straight with him — he’s got no game either.

Pro-tip: ask a lady if you can help with her sunscreen and then wait for her answer. Don’t just start applying it, my friend. Try a little bit of subtlety. His style is “I have abs!!” 

 

Daniel, “The Life of the Party”

You’ve yet to show me enough personality to judge you. You seem to exist to egg Jon on and I’m not sure I agree.

Pro-tip: listen when the local tells you not to go to the local parties. You could have gotten your ass kicked, kid. Have you not seen the pilot for The OC? Is that not required watching for all American teens? Youths, these days. I do applaud you for wearing pink pants, though. If you can manage to work a double popped collar into your wardrobe, the Revenge writers at YKYLF will be big fans of yours. 

 

Emily “The Opinionated and Sophisticated”

Opinionated? Yes. Very. Sophisticated? Well, she wears pearls. But she also asks customers where the JFK Jr types hang out. This is a low klassy move. I follow fancy people on Instagram and they don’t ask those kinds of questions.

Pro-tip: no one likes the trouble maker. And fancy guys are probably not into try-hards after Labor Day. I do like the daytime pearls, though. 

 

Taelyr “The Shy Sweetheart” and Sophi “The Sexy Musician”

We haven’t had enough time with these ladies to do a proper evaluation. Taelyr has maybe said all of five words (“hi!” and “look as his abs”) and Sophi is quickly becoming queen of the eye roll. We do know that Sophi is 19, likes to sing, and this is her first job ever, which nearly got her bitchslapped by Cat.

Pro-tip: We need another episode before we can dole out advice. Maybe be a bit more subtle with your eye rolls. Both of you are rocking the bold patterned sun dresses, so that’s a plus.

 

 

The Locals

These are the kids who don’t go home after Labor Day. As much as the others want on the island, they want off.

Ben “The Heartthrob”

If I hadn’t already declared Lou to be our Ryan Atwood, you’d be it, my friend. He’s been kicked out of the Coast Guard after a party with underage drinking and has to come home to a small town where everyone knows his story thanks to his friend Cat letting it slip to his mom. He’s got no time for the Wash Ashores and he seems to be fighting feelings for Cat. I’m going to label you our Pacey, because honestly, I haven’t used up all my beachy pop-culture references. I swear to god though, if I catch you crying Dawson-style on a dock, in your plaid shirt, we are through.

Pro-tip: let the anger go, kid. You can’t hide secrets in a small town, everyone knows that. And you’ll just end up in a beach fight if you don’t.

 

Cat “The Artistic Rebel”

I’m not sure what Cat’s rebelling against exactly. Her mom apparently kicked her out, but she seems to be back at home. I think she’s probably rebelling against life in general, which is kind of just tilting at windmills. She’ll figure it out eventually. In the meantime, she wears more clothing that her co-workers (pants! t-shirts in the daytime!) and rocks the cowboy boots. Since I’ve decided to work in the Dawson’s Creek references, this girl is our Joey Potter. Obvs. She’s also really effing judgey. Her bitchface when Sophi declared this to be her first job was straight up epic.

Pro-tip: everything your mom says makes complete and total sense. You can fight it, but you’ll figure out she’s right when you’re 30. In the meantime, you rock those cowboy boots and apologize to your friend for not keeping his secret. 

 

 

The Vineyard airs on ABC Family Tuesday nights at 10/9c. Catch episode 2 tonight!