Cha cha cha splashy bus oh noes! Can’t Carrie ever go for a walk in her tutu without getting dirty? METAPHOR.

So, this week was all about MYTHS. Myths such as: the toxic relationship that suddenly righted itself (Carrie’s dream for her and Big), the one-night-stand that turned into a relationship (Steve’s hopes for him and Miranda); and the woman who met a guy in a bar and lived happily ever after (Samantha and her septegenarian piece). Charlotte doesn’t get a plotline this week, perhaps because she constantly lives in a state of believing in fairy tales.

 

Carrie and Big kick this episode off… oddly functional. This relationship status is reflected in Carrie’s (relatively) tasteful red brocade strapless number with minimal accessories:

Frankly, if I had her shoulders and biceps, I wouldn’t need any accessories either. Remember how Carrie is a chain-smoker who doesn’t know how to exercise? Yeah, I think the show sometimes forgets that too.

Anyway, now that they’ve agreed to share an electric toothbrush (again, EW) they hit another major relaysh milestone common to 8-year-old around the world: Big refers to her as his girlfriend! Carrie squeals! What could possible go wrong?

 

Ever the rain on everyone’s parade, Miranda shows up to bring her usual dating dysfunction along with this bewildering mock-neck ensemble:

Mir, I respect you so I’m just going to lay it on the line here: cap sleeves never work on ANYONE. Even size -0 models get flabby arms from cap sleeves. Go sleeveless or go sleeved but ESCHEW THE CAPS. These are the kitten-heels of sleeve lengths and should be similarly avoided. I like the necklace, though. Very House of Harlow, despite how Nicole Richie was like a tween when this was filmed.

 

To nobody’s surprise, Miranda’s date turns out to be a loser (DRINK!) so she vents her usual man/relationship-hating ways at brunch with the ladies. Do you think she may have such bad luck with men because she is the kind of person who owns a… shawl-neck polo shirt? 

Seriously, PULL IT TOGETHER, GIRL.

 

Carrie, her hair set to cocker spaniel, is unable to agree with Miranda’s MEN ARE TEH WORST thesis, as she (Carrie) is in a semi-functional relationship for the first time in her life.

She is also wearing a tank with a cupcake applique on the front. This is like the top part of one of those PJ sets they sell at Claire’s Accessories that comes with a pair of cupcake-print pants. Being part of a happy couple doesn’t mean you can LITERALLY roll out of bed to go out in public, Bradshaw.

 

Charlotte shows up long enough to establish today’s theme of dating fairy tales. To really drive the point home, I think she’s wearing a Disney princess dress.

At least from the waist up, she’s kind of Belle crossed with Cinderella, right? SPOILER: she doesn’t have a plotline so we never see the rest of her outfit. So I will continue to believe it’s a full-on crinoline ballgown because she likes to attend Ren Faires when there’s no plotline in her life.

 

Sam is dressed to the nines, as ever. When I watched this show the first time around, I never really paid attention to Sam’s style. But in retrospect, her ladylike sexiness is maybe the most classic look of any of the ladies.

For reals. Other than the layered bangs, this look wouldn’t be out of place in 2013. Love the stripes. Love the neckline. LUV HUH. 

 

 

 

Keeping up her business sexy look, Sam heads out for a solo post-work cocktail in this purple power suit:

Was “suit with nothing underneath” a thing in the 90s? Or is that just something Samantha liked to do? As ever, she’s pulling it off, even if her Cosmo kinda clashes with the suit (I think a vodka tonic would match better).

 

Nonetheless, Sam’s hot style catches the eye of this extremely rich, old dude: 

No, not The Donald (The Donald: same hair since 1999!). The other dude, the one who looks like Trump’s grandfather.

 

But Sam isn’t sure: should she go on a date with a 72-year-old? Who’s really rich? But also 72? She and Carrie grab a Starbucks to sort this out.

Carrie looks oh-so-NYC in her all black ensemble (but not very Bradshawish, frankly) while Sam pulls out another lovely purplish shade. Is that… a matching knit cami and cardigan? That was a thing in the 90s. A very, very tragic thing.

ALSO OF NOTE: Carrie’s clearly got an iced latte, but WTF is in Sam’s cup? Did 1999 Starbucks serve mango juice? That was a crazy time.

 

So anywhoo, Mir’s still stewing about how MEN ARE TEH WORST. Subconsciously making Miranda even more bitter, Carrie totally flakes out and ditches their ladies night in order to help Big make veal.

There are a few notable things about this scene. First: Carrie is a jerk. She just *forgot* her plans to hang out with her BFF, and didn’t even call? And she’s eating VEAL, the most politially incorrect meat there is? AND she’s SMOKING WHILE BIG IS COOKING?

But who can blame her, really. See in the corner, there? Big has a TV in his kitchen. In the 90s, that’s how you know you’re rich. A non-flat-screen TV sitting on a ledge in your kitchen. Trust me, that was also a thing.

 

But whatever, Mir is like MEN SUCK! FRIENDS SUCK! EVERYBODY SUCKS! BRING ME MORE WINE, BARKEEP! And who is the barkeep? Just a young man named… STEVE!

That’s right! We’re finally meeting Mir’s long-term love interest, the googly-eyed bartender with surprisingly cut abs and a heart of (mostly) gold. And also a strangely endearing speech impediment.

However, all Mir can see is a potential one-night stand.

 

Speaking of one-night stands, Samantha’s hitting it off with Old Man Time. She’s mainly interested because he’s super-rich — I  mean, maybe not TV-in-his-kitchen-rich, but rich enough to give her a buttload of jewelry. Sam’s like, “I can put up with his liver spots if I keep getting this ish!”

I’ll give Grampa props here: he knows that Sam’s all about the cream-and-nude coloured everything. He gifts her a mixture of pearls and diamonds that has her swooning (and which matches her sparkly, nude-coloured bodycon dress perfectly). How conveeeenient that she wasn’t already wearing a bracelet, earrings, or a necklace. Almost like she knew she’d be getting a gift, or two, or three.

But I’m not sure from her body language whether she’s into him or not.

SPOILER: after seeing his saggy old man bum, she fakes food poisoning and runs away. The myth of the woman who meets a guy in a bar and lives happily ever after? 

 

Meanwhile, Steve is doing his best to bring the myth of the one-night-stand that turned into a relationship to life. His strategy is full-on stalking.

Mir is less than impressed with this Ryan-Gosling-in-The-Notebook-style persistence (defined as: persistence from a cute guy who you secretly want to date, not from an actual stalker). Nonetheless, Steve weasels his way into an invite to hang with the SATC ladies that night at DENIAL — the latest club on this show with a smack-you-over-the-head name.

 

Also invited to join the ladies at Denial? Big! Carrie’s psyched to introduce her non-toxic, wholesome BF to the gang. See how excited she is? She left her bra at home and brought out her best nerps for the occasion:

This gold lame mini is very Bradshaw, kind of like a metallic version of the Naked Dress from season one. However, the rest of her outfit is kinda bland, by Carrie standards. Where’s the cabbage-sized floral brooch? The 25 necklaces? The feathered headpiece?

 

But then! Big busts the myth of the toxic relationship that fixes itself because he’s TOTALLY NOT GOING TO HANG OUT WITH HER AND HER FRIENDS!

And yeah. That’s the emotionally manipulative turdbox I remember. Carrie’s so sad. She has to throw on her… see-through lace… rain poncho? And walk to Denial all alone.

 

A few notable things happen at this night out. Firstly, Charlotte has moved from Ren Faire Disney Princess to urban New Yorker with JBF hair:

Did they confuse her costume with Carrie’s from the Starbucks scene earlier? When has Char ever dressed this non-frilly? Were it not for the hairband and the doe eyes, I’d hardly recognize her.

 

Samantha came in full Marilyn Monroe drag:

Maybe she has mixed feelings about dumping a man who was the same age Marilyn Monroe would be, if she were still alive? A man who possibly *dated* Marilyn Monroe?

 

But the big story of the night is Miranda who is KILLING IT in this outfit.

BURN THE HOUSE DOWN. I can’t handle it, it’s like my little girl’s all grown up. Firstly, that neckline is neither turtle nor mock-turtle. That, my friends, is an elegant bateau neckline that flaunts her swan-like neck.

Also? The sheer shirt is sexy, yet grown-up; feminine without being girlie. The bold blue colour SLAYS with her red hair and porcelain complexion. And you gotta admit girlfriend is working that cocktail onion like nobody’s business.

Also? Remember what I said before about accessories?

The casually looped bracelet that is possibly a necklace worn as a bracelet? LOVE IT. And wait there’s more!

She’s wearing…

… a black leather corset belt! And so OK, later shots reveal this isn’t the black pencil skirt you think it is but rather a long black gauzy peasant skirt/possible palazzo pants. But from the belt up, this is the best Miranda has ever looked.

See, Miranda’s fronting like she doesn’t care LIKE AT ALL that Steve’s crashing her ladies’ night. But if she truly didn’t care, why is she dressed to effing kill? Why did she pull out literally all the stops to look the best she’s ever looked on this show?

Could it be… the myth of the one-night-stand that turned into a relationship?

 

Oh, also, Big make a grand entrance and comes to hang out with the ladies after all. To Carrie this means he’s her One True Love/Boyfriend.

But really, this whole thing was really just another power play by Big. Making her feel bad for wanting him to become involved in her life, so that when he shows up she’s so used to being disappointed that she’s excessively grateful.

These two may not be entirely wholesome, but as long as that means Carrie stops wearing cupcake tanks, we’ll call it even.