Part 1 of 3: New Directions for Dummies

So, here’s what you missed on Glee: Emma puts her wedding on hold so the glee club can go to Sectionals because Will slept on a mattress and now can’t go. Finn finds out Puck is the father of Quinn’s baby and flakes on Sectionals but shows up after a pep talk from Will, and Puck wants to be with Quinn, but she isn’t having any of that. Mercedes is chosen to do the ballad for the competition but then Rachel does it anyway, because Lea Michele’s contract said so because Sue leaked the New Directions set list. Will Emma marry Ken? Will those crazy kids win the show choir comp? Will Rachel wear suitable hosiery?


Artie starts us off with some serious colour blocking. This is Chuck Bass, circa season two, the only time in the history of Gossip Girl he ever wore a sweater. Stick with brights, Artie, and you’ll go places. Have you considered a matching bowtie? A bottle of Dom?


That sweater vest beats out the usually fabulous Kurt, who is playing it safe (read: boring) in piratical stripes and a trench coat. Are you a pirate-spy for Vocal Adrenaline?


Mercedes is glamorously gauche with too much gold jewellery again, but since there’s gold on her t-shirt too, I’m okay with it. The geometric pattern isn’t too busy, which is rare for her.


When I first saw Tina’s outfit, I was all, ‘yay, such pretty curls!’ Then I realised she was wearing black armwarmers and pink eyeshadow, plus a cutesy hair clip and grungey accessories. She’s like a Southern fried spring roll, dressing outside the realms of normalcy.


Finn also does black, and I like it just about as much as I like him in every other colour. Until there’s a tuxedo involved or Kurt makes him over, I’m not interested.


But still, costume consistency is a great thing — it makes me believe these twenty somethings really might actually be Midwest teens. It’s great to see Rachel’s apron style wrap skirt, since that is something a teenage girl would wear with everything. And the strong blue cardigan with argyle print is surprisingly bold. Snaps for Rachel Berry!


As always, there is only one queen, and that is Quinn. Her braid porn is in fine form, and her simple teal empire line dress and sensible shrug are what young mothers should be wearing: concealing, not revealing, with not a crop top or Daisy Duke in sight.


Her baby daddy Puck smartens up for his rendition of “Are You Gonna Be My Girl?” (He doesn’t sing it, bee tee dubs, just thinks it). Brown makes his hazel eyes pop, even brown plaid.


Did I mention Finn decides to punish the entire glee club because he’s not Quinn’s baby daddy? Here he is, returning to the site of all his former shower-singing sins. Letter jacket on, he’s ready to think none too deeply and make none too smart decisions.


It’s the return of carmine, guys and gals. Thankfully, Rachel’s beautiful single-breasted coat is hiding the hideous plaid housedress she has on underneath.


In fact, most of New Directions are rocking the outerwear. Artie’s pimped out in a tri-colour puffer, Mercedes is black and yellow (and pink) like the annoying hip hop song of the same name, and Quinn looks angelic in spearmint blue. These guys have really pulled their socks up.


These guys…have not. Tina looks like Edward Scissorhands and Kurt resembles Rihanna on a bad day. Bad beanie choice. In fact, beanies are bad. Don’t go there.


As ensemble outfits go, this one’s not bad – but it’s not spectacular either. Black does work on everyone, but that generic dress shape so often used for bridesmaid dresses leads to a uniboob effect, like a unibrow on the chest.

That said, I Can’t Always Get What I Want.


Of course our heroes win the day, and end it with some Kelly Clarkson. I don’t remember Kelly wearing so much lavender or knee socks, Rachel, but you’re off the hook since you just killed “Don’t Rain on My Parade.” Mercedes is back on form with a spangly peace sign, and Tina and Artie appear to be wearing matching armwarmers, as well as some more purple.

As for the boys…I would call that safari chic from Kurt, except his shirt/jacket/thing has a nehru collar and it makes no sense. And I’m fairly certain Finn skinned a bear to make that sweater.