What Jess Wore

After Jess gets a text from the man who “took her flower,” the gang decides to compete for who has the worst “first time” story. Fat Schmidt has a threesome with Elizabeth and an industrial-sized jar of lube, Winston unknowingly loses it to a hooker, Cece has sex with Mick Jagger (like, can’t even) and Jess…let’s just say, her story includes steak knives, handsome firemen, and murder. And an ugly flower dress. And antidepressants. And Lisa Loeb’s “Stay.” Good lord, I guess that’s the price you pay when you (almost) lose your virginity in 2000.

 

Of course, New Girl wouldn’t be New Girl without the guys walking in on Jess and Cece doing this:

Ignoring the fact that shaving armpits is not (and never has been) a 2-person job, Jess looks absolutely adorable in her lavender bathrobe. Seriously, does this girl just have a closet full of bathrobes, pajamas and flippy mini skirts? Not that I’m jelly or anything.

Okay fine, totally jelly.

Also, how does Cece look like THAT with shaving cream on her armpits? Ugh, life is so unfair.

 

After getting a text from Teddy, the guy that took her flower from her “wonderful secret garden,” (Nick’s words, not mine) Jess is convinced that her “deflowering” story is the worst. Which is pretty appropriate considering what she wore for prom:

Like, I can’t. I have no words. This is just too easy. The front, the back, her hair, the matching corsage on her wrist…so perfectly hideous aka so perfectly Jessica Day circa 2000.

 

But let’s be real: it’s still butt ugly.

 

Unable to get her “sewn-on” dress off herself, she runs out into the hallway and meets Dreamy Prebuscent Guitarist. Who she ends up meeting again, 4 years later, in Nick’s bar:

Let’s break this down:
Jess’s hair = thumbs up
Jess’s dress = thumbs way up
Cece’s hair = WTF
Cece’s top = Seriously, WTF.

 

Jess ends up trying to have sex with Dreamy Prebuscent Guitarist but when the man can’t perform (see: prebuscent), they end up like this:

 

Sure, things don’t go as planned. They go WAY BETTER. Like “fireman-picking-you-up-and-whisking-you-away-and-giving-you-the-ride-of-your-life” better.

And who is this hot fireman? None other than Teddy, ladies and gentlemen.

Again, I say UGH. Life, unfair, all that.

 

Jess heads off to meet Fireman Teddy, wearing her usual black skirt-sweater-saddle bag combo while Cece is dressed for a 40+ zumba class:

 

Sure, Jess’s typical skirt-sweater combo is pretty boring. But honestly, do any of us care?

 

 

 

…especially after this?

DAMN NICK. CARRY HER. THAT’S RIGHT. YOU CARRY HER ALL THE WAY TO BED.

 

ANDDDDD the moment we’ve been waiting for, for like, literally, 40 episodes:

After finally FOREVER, we get to see this happen. AFTER FOREVER.

So do you think this is gonna last? Or will it just get weird?