Dear Revenge(!!!) — You know we’ve been your fans from the beginning. However, somewhere between The Initiative, Extremely Boring Padma, and the Jack’s Bar Plotline, you kinda lost your mojo. We’re still hanging in for Emily’s perfect waves, Nolan’s fashionz and Connie and Queen V’s one-liners. But until you return to season 1 level awesomeness (which we know you can!), we’ll be giving you short recaps. — xoxo, YKYLF.
This week was mainly about catching everyone up with winter in The Hamps which basically means the same old scheming — but now with outerwear! Nolan’s out of jail, Emily’s got her sights set on The Falcon, Conrad’s political campaign is running (somehow) full steam (despite his complete evilness) and Ashley is either working with him…or not. Who knows with that girl? But the main events this week were a) Red Sharpie’ing The Falcon, b) Emily agreeing to marry Daniel again, and c) Victoria deciding to use Nolan to track down her firstborn son, Patrick.
Your Weekly Nolan
Let’s begin with the strengths of this show, shall we? Nolan is indisputably Revenge’s breakout star, and a large part of that is his apparel. Like these Jimmy Choo penny loafers:
He may be mourning his extremely boring dead girlfriend, but that doesn’t stop him from coordinating his footwear with his shirt.
And then when he ventured to Brooklyn to face off with The Falcon, he went full Ryan-Gosling-in-Drive:
Except with arcade gaming rather than, you know, brutally murdering people in elevators.
Worst Relationship Regression
So, Emily’s engaged to Daniel, and joining him for a TV interview where they both talk about how great Conrad is. They are compared to Caroline Bessette and JFK Jr. which is, frankly, not the most optimistic comparison despite a certain physical resemblance.
I’d go more with a blonde Kate Middleton and Prince William with a fuller head of hair.
However, you know that K-Mids would never wear a sleeveless dress with that much cleave on display, especially in a live TV interview. (Speaking of which — even Lance Armstrong went with a pre-recorded interview. Why did Connie Grayson warrant this live interview?)
This camel coat, however, would totally work on Kate Middleton.
Or, to be more honest, me. I need this coat like NOW. It just looks so warm and cozy while simultaneously stylish and classic. Thus far, Emily’s outerwear wardrobe gets two thumbs up from me.
Oh, but here’s where things have changed from last year. Instead of moping around his bar making moon eyes at Fauxmanda, Jack’s now going full vigilante. And, randomly, Ashley’s helping him out.
Apparently the writing staff are deciding on scene partners by throwing everyone’s names into a hat.
I don’t buy these two as partners-in-crime, but see how Ashley’s influence has got Jack looking maybe 20% more dapper than usual? Ashley’s poppy red jacket is obviously gorgeous and, just being in her company elevates Jack’s coat somewhat. He’s also had really, really good hair ever since his wedding. So…carry on.
Of course, Ashley wound up going back to Conrad like the most useless double-agent ever, but it was fun while it lasted.
Worst First Lady Attire
Seriously. Conrad’s doing a live TV interview to talk about how he’s just as wholesome as apple pie, and Queen V chooses to wear this.
No, seriously. Is this what you wear to support your husband’s political ambitions? Think of the most stylish political spouses you can — can you see Jackie O., Carla Bruni Sarkozy, or Michelle Obama wearing something like this? RED SEE-THROUGH LACE?
While this is an insane outfit for a possible future Governor’s wife, it’s also 100% Victoria. You gotta respect when a woman owns her look like this. Though she could at least put her hair up or something.
Most WTF Plotline
You’d think “trading your baby for a spot in art school because you only got one plane ticket” would win this week, but no.
Remember how like a month ago, we learned that The Falcon (or “The Fa1c0n” if you prefer) was the only hacker who was ever able to outsmart Nolan, and has been working with The Initiative for years, and is basically the single person responsible for everything bad that’s ever happened on this show? And how The Falcon is the only person Nolan’s ever truly feared?
Yeah, Nolan and Emily managed to identify, unmask, expose and destroy her using a scheme that makes Scooby Doo look complex. For realz: what kind of world-famous international hacker is like, “Sure, I’ll let you put your USB in my laptop, fellow computer hacker/mortal enemy!”
Even The Falcon is like, “…for real?” I dig the black leather situation she’s got going on, tho.
Most Predictable Downward Spiral
This week, we learned that the Revenge(!!!) writing staff are just as over Charlotte and Declan’s “relationship” as we all are. Charlotte’s only interesting when she’s going through some dramz…but that doesn’t mean you have to throw her into a Marissa Cooper-style slut spiral every time you run out of plot ideas.
Oh noes! Not a feature on THE TRENDIST!!
Someone needs to tell her that Fauxmanda wasn’t really her sister, which means there isn’t any genetic reason for her to be skanking it up like this in such an obvious cry for attention.
After Emily and Nolan jointly brought down The Falcon, she let Nolan do the formal Red Sharpie’ing (via his NolPad, but whatever).
OH AND BY THE WAY. This girl was totally not in the original Grayson Global retreat pic:
We see what you did there, props crew.
Hello again, Revenge(!!!): the friendship between Nolan and Emily has become the glue of this show. It’s no coincidence that forcing Nolan to spend most of this season in The World’s Most Boring Bisexual Love Triangle, keeping him separated from Emily, coincided with the decline in quality of the show. Remember when they were roommates? More of that, please. — xoxo YKYLF