So where’s what you missed on Glee: Becky brought a shotgun to school while in a crisis, and when Sue tried to talk her out of it, the gun went off twice by accident. No one was hurt, but the New Directions huddled in the choir room for what seemed like an unaired episode of 24. Sue took the blame to protect Becky, got fired, and never told anyone what really happened. Meanwhile, Ryder tried to call “katie_xoxo” and the phone rang in the choir room, you guys. He’s being Catfished by someone in New Directions! Brittany and Sam didn’t get married but they did get a cat, Lady Tubbington, to go with Lord Tubbington. Missing in action this week: the entire storyline in New York, Finn (as Corey Monteith is in rehab), and any of the other alumni.

 

Wow, Sue, I never thought you would step and protect a student the way you did with Becky. It makes sense though, since she’s a mother now and the one thing she does better than anyone else is protect her own (the Cheerios, the New Directions…when it suited her formerly evil agenda). The black tracksuit she wore to face off with Becky was kinda foreshadowing, no?

 

And she wore one cool blue one out the door.

Here’s to you Sue, don’t stay gone too long. Glee without you is like Dynasty without Alexis Colby.

 

We don’t get to see any of the action in New York, Santana the power lesbian didn’t come back, and everyone gave up their petty little fights because finally, they kinda realized that none of the dumb-ass storylines of the last year mattered. (And with that, Ryan Murphy commanded the writers’ room to make my headshot into a dartboard.) So let’s focus on local Lima wear.

Blaine and Tina look far too attached. I dig that they care about each other, but even Will and Grace had their distance. And Tina telling Blaine she couldn’t bear it if anything was to happen to him? I’m touched, but it’s a sign that’s she’s unhealthily attached to him. When she starts therapy after college and he’s married to Neil Patrick Harris, she’ll always talk about this incident, his tacky polyester cheerleader outfit, and her continuing Twiggy motif in this Trina Turk dress. Lady, it’s not 1967 and you’re not skipping down Bond Street on your way to a Stones concert in Hyde Park.

 

But you know who is an appropriately-dressed looker? This girl.

Turns out, this is not his online lady love. Poor Ryder is being taken for a ride by someone who bogarts her profile picture, but I don’t care. She’s charming, fresh-faced, screams Brooke Shields in a Calvin Klein ad, down to the wavy hair and accessories.

 

I’m going to defer judgment to my (straight guy) trainer, who once told me that nothing looks hotter than a woman who can rock a pair of white pants.

The man is spot-on. Ryder better forget the mystery text partner is and just date this girl, because betewen her white pants and his skinny jeans, they look like the most adorable couple in a J.Crew catalog (but who secretly long to get naked ala an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog).

 

 

 

And then there’s Sam, who always dresses like he’s always ready for an A&F shoot.

Not pictured: accessory cat.

 

Much to the delight (ahem) of Lord Tubbington, who knows all and sees all.

 

While I’m glad that the horrible Kitty finally (sincerely) apologized to Marley, I think that one of the life lessons that should come from surviving a near-death experience is: upgrade your wardrobe. Marley, you’re sweet and all, but not everything needs to look like it comes from Anthropologie. Mustard is a tough, tough color to pull off.

 

But I’m down with Bieste’s brilliant blue, even while she’s pining for Schue:

I feel for her — she just wants someone to love her as she is. Well Bieste, I love your softer look, although if we’re sharing beauty tips, I’d go back to the Rachel Maddow cut you initially wore, paired with a lighter shade of lipstick. This hair is a bit too crunchy.

 

And through a disaster, we always have Schue, always nattily dressed even in crisis:

I think that once Glee ends and gets revived once every decade for the next 30 years, Matthew Morrison will always have a job.

Schue is to Glee as Jean Marsh is to Upstairs, Downstairs. Jean played the same character on every. single. season. of Upstairs, Downstairs from its pilot in 1971 to the latest series…in 2010. I can totally see Schue becoming principal to replace Figgins in 10 years’ time, then superintendent in 20 years, and then a sub after he retires in 30 years. You totally catch my drift, right?

All in all, I gotta hand it to the Glee crew this week. They made a well-acted mini-episode of 24 that will hopefully flush out the soggy drama of the rest of this season at McKinley like a good antibiotic on a sinus infection. (Full disclosure: I’ve been sick all week and may or may not be writing this under the influence of a Codeine-based medication I got with my free Canadian health care.) Hopefully this will be combined with a Santana lozenge and an NYC neti pot.