Part 1 of 2 – The Real Househusbands of Montauk

No sooner has Fauxmanda left us, but Emily’s confronted with another reminder of her past life as a fire-obsessed foster child. She figures out Eli’s con (swindling rich people with a rare books scam) almost as quickly as he recognizes her true identity. Though she and her Super Team of Aiden and Nolan do their best to run him out of town, Eli worms his way into the Grayson’s good graces and is named co-chair of the Fake Dead Stripper Daughter Of The Convicted Terrorist Memorial Fund. But not so fast! Because it turns out that the Fauxmanda charity is actually ALSO a scam for the Graysons to protect their money from The Initiative – and they’ve got Daniel putting Aiden in place to take the fall when this is all revealed. Behind the scenes, Jack’s running around with the crazy eyes of the Vengeful. He even gives two over-the-shoulder hugs, so you know he’s legit. And then we learn the name of the only person scarier than The Initiative: THE FALCON, the only computer hacker capable of outwitting Nolan. Basically, I have no idea what’s going on, but everybody looks fabulous doing it.

 

As per the title, this week’s theme is illumination a.k.a. Emily’s past history with arson. It all began when L’il Amanda accidentally-on-purpose burned down her foster home.

I guess flashback L’il Mandypants turned goth as soon as she entered foster care. It’s not a big step from child arson to Takeda’s Academy for Teen Revengers.

 

Who’d have thought these two little unwanted orphans would grow up into these gorgeous con artists?

Looking good, team. 

 

So… it took Eli about 0.005 seconds to recognize “Emily Thorne” as his long-lost foster sister from another mister. You can’t con a con, Ems.

He’s also bringing some much-needed steez to a town that’s already way over quota in the men-in-suits division. Seriously. It’s nice to change things up with this cozy layered v-neck, leather coat action because this episode featured the following suits:

1) Daniel serving up 1985 Wall Street “poor little rich boy”, alongside Aiden with his usual 007 routine.

 

2) Jack, with a good dose of vintage season one Emily/Amanda fake-smiling-while-secretly-planning-to-blow-up-The-Hamps in his oddly tieless suit:

Keep on keeping on, Jack. You’ve single-handedly made the show about 1000% more awesome.

 

3) And finally, the suit thing’s so contagious, even young Master Porter tries his hand at suiting up.

It’s still a shame about the hair, though. Spending all that time with Dan Humphrey was clearly not good for his sartorial sense.

 

Interestingly, Conrad was the one to shake things up with this Mr Rogers-meets-Rufus-Humphrey ensemble:

Seriously, did Conrad inherit Rufus’ cardigan collection after Gossip Girl ended? Or, more likely, has Rufus been wearing Conrad’s castoffs for the last 25 years?

 

Since Eli’s still new in town and we didn’t see many of his outfits, Nolan arrives to save the day in a rainbow array of amazingness. Starting with orange double collars, both folded over (Threat Level: 0; Adorability Level: 100)

 

He follows this up with some Marquis de Sade meets George Michael meets Fifty Shades of Gray over-the-collar action. I feel confident in saying that nothing like this has ever appeared on TV before, ever.

The leather tie! The pinstripe vest! The gold suit! The floral shirt! The polka-dotted pocket square! I… I just… give me a moment to drink this all in.

Talk amongst yourselves. I need a moment to regroup before we take a look at the ladies.