What in the what?

Okay. Let me start at the beginning. Theresa is totally dead, face down in a pool and Dan (understandably) loses it like he’s in a Shakespearan play and yells at all the liars (and there are quite a few these days) for lying and killing his one true wuv. Then he burns furniture and starts giving Ethan ultimatums. Thayer, seemingly having no perspective on the situation that someone has just died, blends into a wall and also gives Emma an ultimatum. When everyone gives an ulitmatum, a lot of people lose: Thayer loses Emma, Emma loses Ethan, Ethan loses Emma, etc. Rebecca almost leaves town after a verbal bitch slap from Emma, but decides to stick around just in time for Jordan to be arrested for killing his brother (!), Alec to fall through a skylight (!!) and Thayer to have Theresa’s murder weapon stashed in his chair (!!!). Thayer having the murder weapons explains his lack of perspective. These things happen when you’re a sociopath. 

 

It’s ultimatum time! Once again, Thayer blends into the woodwork and we almost forget he exists. I’d almost feel bad for him that he’s losing his girlfriend to a way cuter guy, except a) I feel worse for Theresa and b) it looks like he killed her, so that negates any sympathy points.

 

And Dan says family or twins, so Ethan goes for family. Can’t say I blame him. If this is the scene when your bro gives you an ultimatum, what would you do?

 

You pick the guy who is willing to burn the patio furniture in a rage, that’s what. Which is really too bad for Emma, who has been headed back to “dressed like a normal teen”, ever since the twin truth has been leaking.

If she were still pretending to be Sutton, I have a feeling mismatched PJs and a hoodie woudn’t be happening here. But it’s definitely more her personality than the daytime glamour.

 

Plus it suits Ethan’s style as well.

I can’t think of anything that would look bad on that guy. Flour sack? If it were fitted, he could make it work.

 

Still bringing it hard, probably because she’s ultimatum free, is Laurel. 

She looks like a teen dream in tangerine. Also, it’s nice to see her in a dress that flatters her waist and boobs again. Those earth mother numbers were dragging her down hard. 

 

Rebecca may want to burn some furniture or give an ultimatum, because she is failing to get her daughters to choose Team Family.

While she looks great in champagne coloured lace and jeans, with some tasteful gold jewelry, she’s not winning this fight against Emma of the Seven Foster Homes and Six Schools. No amount of tacky BFF jewelry is going to save you from that one (it’s her undoing in more ways than one, since the other half turns up at a the scene of the murder). Becs, you need to bring the Cartier to make up for those lost years.

 

Looks like she can afford it, seeing as this was her getaway outfit and choice of transportation.

Seriously? Cheap jewelry while you fly charter? Bitch, please. But the white sheath with a hint of peplum is an excellent choice when you make an evil getaway. I believe that’s a page from the Victoria Grayson Playbook. 

 

The twins, headed to a weird place of sisterly bonding (I’m unfamiliar with a sisterly Sutton), do it in floral this week.

Twisies, best friendsies? Emma goes for big bright floral on a black dress…

while sutton goes for the very odd choice of random botanical prints with pink formal shorts.

I can’t even begin to understand the choice of shorts. Or even Emma’s church garden party dress. However, I’m so on board with Sutton’s giant ass ring.

Daytime cocktail rings must be the new daytime glamour. 

 

Alec decides to honour Theresa’s memory with a fund of some kind, plus what may be the oddest memorial service in the history of ever. It looks more like a fundraising dinner than a memorial. Very few dressed in their mourning clothes. Ethan and Dan did, but I guess you have to when it’s your fiancée/sister-in-law-to-be that’s found dead in the pool.

 

Outside of those two, Sutton is the only one even remotely dressed for the occasion.

Not so much the giant chain link necklace (love it), but the black dress. Oddly, she had no plans to attend. This is her “I’m chilling out in a cabin in the woods” outfit. 

 

Emma goes with champagne lace and a figure skater neckline. 

Flattering and lovely, but not really memorial service appropriate.

 

 

 

 

Then again, neither is Kristen in this blue satin frock she swiped from the Mad Men wardrobe department.

I mean, it’s much better than her pre-divorce proceedings, but the timing is all off. Maybe don’t wear the bright sexy mom number to mourn the dead?

 

The blue dress is the only thing she’s really doing right. Because, as I said, she was totally bland at the divorce meeting.

Great red glasses though. Totally cool mom of you, Kristen. 

 

After switching places with Sutton, Emma raids Kristen’s closet for the most shapeless blue shirtdress. And success! She finds one!

But her hair was totally fantastic and very Veronica Lake-film noir-ish, so she gets half points for that. 

 

Back at the country club where everything of any importance in Arroyo happens, Mads goes for some lovely black and white. 

How much hair does that girl have? The more to hide secrets in I guess. I don’t love that it’s a maxi skirt, but I otherwise dig on the B&W&red-hot all over look. it’s a great one for saying good bye to your boyfriend as he’s arrested on surprise murder charges. 

 

He must have known that arrest was coming, because he changed his shirt. I get it. I’d want to look my best for the mug shot, too.

 

Still wreaking havoc is the very evil, but perhaps not quite as evil as we first thought, Rebecca.

 

Black dress and black gloves? How very “A” of you, Rebecca. I’ll just assume they’re her way of going incognito and preparing for this to happen.

Oops. Let’s hope he makes a Revenge(!!!)-like recovery.

 

Ok, let’s recap: Jordan has been arrested for possibly murdering his brother, Rebecca has possibly pushed Alec through a skylight, and Mr. Blink-and-you’ll-miss-him has a found a way to get his girlfriend to notice him…

Murder! 

But I bet wearing colors that aren’t the same as the walls would also get her attention. Killing very nice lawyers, framing your dad and trashing your room with a murder weapon is really not necessary. 

So, did Thayer do it? Did Rebecca do it? Did Jordan do…whatever it is he’s accused of doing? Sadly, it’s the end of season 2, and the secrets and lies will be marinating for the rest of the year.