Part 1 of 2 – Hampsterconnect.com

Fauxmanda’s death sends shockwaves throughout Montauk. Most notably, it’s reminded Emily of her true purpose — not to wander around kinda-revenging-but-not-really, but to DESTROY THE GRAYSONS ENTIRELY. RAWR! So, that bodes well for the rest of the season. And then in a giant twist, Jack becomes an interesting and kickass character with his own revengenda!!! As a tribute to his dead wife, he chooses to carry on what he thinks was her plan to prove the Graysons framed her father. Also: Carl moves into Casa Grayson, Conrad is still running for office, and Daniel is still the prettiest pony on the show.

 

Queen V starts out her day like anyone else, in a dress and necklace combo that costs more than a year’s rent on my apartment:

I feel like you don’t even need to see the rest of the dress. We all know it’s a bodycon mini that hits just above the knee, right? Queen V knows what works for her and she doesn’t tend to deviate. That being said, I like how she’s making posture her best accessory. You just know she spent hours walking around with books balanced on her head when she was training herself to be a fancy lady.

 

She puts on her best cloak-and-dagger oh-so-inconspicuous black trench for her shifty meeting with the new baddie.

God knows girlfriend’s working the hell out of this look, but I would have liked to see a bit more interesting detail on this coat (or just let her borrow Ashley’s deathly trench from PLL last week).

 

And I don’t know about this new baddie, but I do entirely enjoy how he arranged a meet-up in this empty bench area and faced away from them the whole time.

 

I also like how his face looks like a mask, but it’s a face at the same time.

Right?

Like, Initiative Helen had some steez, but you just know this guy’s the real deal. He’s even creepier than the late, lamented White Haired Man and I can’t wait to see him bust out his ninja moves with Emily. You know it has to happen eventually.

 

So, I’m not sure if Victoria is sad about Fauxmanda’s death (I mean, she did almost kill her before, and Fauxmanda was kinda blackmailing them). She sure puts on a good show of mourning, though that may just be vicarious sadness when she sees how hard Charlotte’s taking it.

I guess one of the vodka-with-lemons to come out of the lemon that is Fauxmanda’s death is that Charlotte and Victoria are getting closer again. Won’t be too long until they’re attending Mother/Daughter Beauty Pageants! Seriously, Charlotte’s dress in the first scene is a complementary blue to Queen V’s sausage casing:

 

And then at Fauxmanda’s funeral, they’re a perfect pair in black with lace detail:

If only Charlotte knew that Emily’s eulogy was essentially for herself. Your sister’s not really dead, Char! She’s the one with the perfect beachy waves over by the casket! (Yes, I know that she won’t figure this out for like, five more seasons.)

 

Daniel’s looks this week weren’t much to write home about, just suits accessorized with his usual derp face.

 

And much as we joke about them hiding Ashley behind the furniture, this week they fully sat her at Connie’s desk so we couldn’t see her from the waist down.

Girlfriend has one scene and one look this week, but she’s working the hell out of it. The ballerina bun is flirty-yet-profesh, while the print top is youthful-yet-mature. I also like how her earrings basically look like giant studs. You just know that even though her bottom half is hidden away, she’s got like 7″ stilettos and a bandage skirt under there. Ash is always working the full H-to-T.

 

Oh, and? That NotAshley person from a few weeks ago was back again, randomly.

Seriously, this was a “The role of Ashley will now be played by so-and-so” moment. Who is this girl, where did she come from, and how long until we find out she’s secretly another one of Emily’s long-lost foster siblings?

 

Because yes, thanks to Charlotte, yet another character from Emily’s past has blown into town. First, I’d like to give a hat tip to Charlotte’s in-depth detective work in tracking down Eli. Step one: Google your dead sister’s name, which brings up this picture, with a convenient caption naming all of her foster siblings.

Pay no attention to the fact her hair is clearly straight, when the woman you think is your dead sister had the most voluminous curls on TV since Keri Russell on Felicity.

 

Step two: send out a request on “Hampsterconnect.com” (Where the coolest Hampsters go to share their LOLs!)

And… basically, Eli messages her. So maybe it wasn’t such great detective work after all.

But the big news is that Eli, Emily’s ex-foster brother (and the guy whose house she began practicing burning down houses on!) is suddenly in Montauk. I’m sure that won’t complicate Emily’s life at all. Hopefully, he won’t be quite as full-on crazypants as the last few people from Em’s past to wash up on shore. (See: Cray Mama, White Haired Man, Fauxmanda…)