Part 2 of 3: Hairstory

Sometimes, the New Directions can twirl and dip like One Direction. Other times, they need a little help from Mr Schue, who needs a little help himself with dressing like a grown-up.

Honourable mentions go to Rachel and Quinn for dressing like Amish ladies, Mercedes for not dressing like a traffic cone and Kurt, for a bizarre two-tone sweater with an Oxford collar and knee highs with shorts. King McQueen would not approve.

 

I don’t approve of how toned down it is this week! So much drab green, so much boring blue, and only a plain bowtie from Kurt! Finn and Artie are in block white like they’re about to be dunked in a baptismal tank, and Mercedes, Tina, Puck and the one who’s name I can never remember appear to be attending a funky funeral.

OMG, I just noticed the bow ankle straps on Rachel’s shoes. Grilled Cheesus, take the wheel, I’m off to find me a pair of those.

 

While we’re on the subject, Rachel makes rather a big transformation this episode, which is a longer time coming every second I have to look at this pinafore made out of a tablecloth.

 

Wearing fifty shades of pink and looking like a bathmat, Rachel ponders how to get Finn to see her as a woman, not a giant marshmallow in a headband. Goodbye to Rachel B…

 

…hello to Easy R, the Olive Penderghast of 2009. Even the Pretty Little Liars don’t dress like this, and they’ve got more love interests than Rachel has anklets.

 

From Emma Stone to Olivia Neutron Bomb (as my mother calls her) — or, more accurately, to Barbra Streisand stuffed into a sausage skin and struggling to be sexy.

No. N-O, no.

 

After Finn telling her about a conversation with Kurt where he explained his perfect girl was au naturelle, Rachel goes au naturelle and confronts Kurt. Unfortunately, her au naturelle is a floral romper suitable for toddlers.

 

This is much better, a lilac button-down which flatters Rachel as she should be, not Berry Boop as she shouldn’t. If only she dressed like this all the time…

Perhaps she should hire Kurt as her personal dresser?

 

That said, Kurt becomes a cross between Van Pelt from Jumanji and Justin Timberlake by adding a fedora to a checked suit and riding boots, multiplying that by a briefcase and coming up with nastiness.

This outfit should be burned.

 

There’s always something of the macabre about Kurt’s clothing, even this shirt has swords and teeth printed on it like a bad tarot reading. Also, bolo ties are never going to happen.

 

Whatever this is? Not going to happen either. Cute bowtie, though. Sassy checks.

 

Sometimes, Kurt confuses high fashion with just plain high, but his foray into plaid is pushing elegant. The shirt is busy, the jacket is bare and the military tailoring is excellent.

 

Don’t look so innocent, Kurt, we know you sabotaged Rachel. You’ll have to explain why you’re dressed as a young Spock with that obscenely high collar, though.

 

That’s a much more sensible collar. I wish we’d seen more of this than the other Hummel horrors. I even spy a hint of pink and navy cravat, and the boy usually gives such good cravat.

 

This is a before picture. It’s relatively fabulous compared to what happens next.

 

It’s the Jackson…Ten? New Directions whip their hair back and forth to “Hair/Crazy in Love”, but Beyonce wouldn’t be caught dead in that ugly waistcoat without a sequin in sight. Hair should be bouncy, butts should be big and colours should be bright.

 

That’s better! That’s brighter! New Directions see your True Colours shining through, which is why they love you, which is a great closing number.

This song shows it doesn’t matter what you wear, so long as it’s a t-shirt in a pre-approved colour which does absolutely nothing for anyone’s figure.