G.U.I.L.T.Y. You ain’t got no alibi.

What should have been the most important day in the life of a cynical cop who lives in a trailer goes topsy turvy when the bride leaves him stranded at the chapel. Folks are saying cold feet, especially when her clothes are missing, her ring is left behind, and her car is found at the airport. Dan doesn’t believe it for a minute. And, of course, we know he’s right. We just don’t know who took Theresa or why they care so much about this twin secret that they’re willing to kill and kidnap (because we really hope Theresa hasn’t gone the way of the Derek), but there are a lot of missing alibis for the night before. Meanwhile, Sutton starts to question Rebecca’s motives (smart) and comes clean with Emma, Jordan comes (mostly) clean with Mads, Ted and Kristen’s marriage continues to crumble, and Ted looks super shady when Emma learns he was at Derek’s grave last night.

 

Poor, poor Dan. Left with only Theresa’s voice mail on his wedding day. And he cleans up so well.

 

Not quite as well as Ethan, who we see out of his usual plaid and fitted tees.

I think I like the plaid and the shirtlessness best, but I’ll take it. And I like how Theresa matched the bridesmaid’s dress and Ethan’s tie in that buttery yellow. It’s just lovely. I’m sad we don’t get to see her Shotgun Wedding dress. I bet it was going to be super cute and simple. 

 

Instead, we get the wedding guests — both invited and uninvited. Sutton crashes in a black sundress.

You’d think she know that the best way to blend in is to dress appropriately for the event. The dress is cute for Sutton casual wear, but not for wedding crashing.

 

I do, however, completely approve of her giant medallion jewelry. 

This is a much better way to get matchy matchy with your accessories than last week’s Claire’s special.

 

Mads, on the other hand, is taking the matchy matchy just a little too far. At first glance, I’m all over this. The colour looks fantastic on her and it’s a great choice for a warm weather wedding that isn’t too formal. The accessories aren’t overdone and I especially adore the layered necklace. But the purse in the exact same colour as the dress? Really Mads? We expect more from your sense of style. And I know you did the same thing last week. Try just a little harder.

BTW, her purse to hair ratio says the suspicious lack of a bride and her feelings about Jordan have got her and her hair down, so a bigger bag is required to hold secrets and feelings. 

 

Speaking of Jordan, while I like the grey/pink combo and the skinny tie, he’s still throwing off a James Spader vibe.

There’s something so 80s teen movie about him. Maybe it’s less about the outfit and more about the hair. It’s got the kind of volume I haven’t seen in a dude’s hair since I read Sweet Valley High on the regular. 

 

The shadiest guests could have done a better job coordinating tie colour to dress.

I’m not saying Alec should wear coral, but I am saying the lack of colour coordination is the real sign of discord in their marriage. That and the fact that they’re both trying to make it with one half of the Mercers. 

 

Rebecca’s coral dress is a fantastic colour, and I love the nude shoes/clutch combo and her aviators. 

But I the fit around the girls isn’t as good as it could be and that’s just unfortunate. A truly evil villian would know that she needs to show off the girls as much as possible. But her taste is becoming questionable as of late. I mean, check out Sutton’s reaction to Rebecca’s heartfelt gift for the twins.

Yeah, that’s right Sutton. We’d make the same face if someone tried to give us a tacky broken heart BFF charm, especially if it was our wealthy long lost mother who’s done quite well for herself since giving twins up. I’d expect at least a Tiffany charm at this point. It’s probably why #SuttonComesClean with Emma — tacky charms are where she draws the line. 

 

Rebecca’s coral lace overlay did have her in sync with her other daughter though.

I was going to express serious disappointment in Emma for breaking out yet another tank. With such a wonderful, magical closet at your disposal, why waste it on a tank top? But then I noticed the bitchin’ turquoise bracelet, which led me to notice the colour blocking on the bright denim and the shoes that match the bracelet.

Fine Emma, you may be bored with the daytime glam (we weren’t), but I’ll accept this outfit. Besides, you’re probably trying to wear as many bright colours as possible to compensate for Thayer’s cameleon like choices in clothing.

 

Seriously. Let’s play Spot the Thayer!

When he blends right into the paint, I start to think about how Waldo is easier to find in a crowd of striped shirts. If Laurel gets a chance to play Coachella again, I’m going to advise against bringing Thayer, as there’s no doubt he’ll wear desert colours and no one will ever find him again. 

 

In addition to being the colour of every wall, he’s full of questionable ideas that all hinge on “don’t let Emma spend time with Ethan or she’ll forget about me. Even Laurel and Mads are starting to notice this.

 

There’s a lot of casual wear happening this week. I mean, it’s still Arroyo casual, which is nothing like real people casual. Laurel is chilling at home in a baby doll dress. 

 While still not the best cut for the girls, it’s significantly better than last week’s. And her hair is so golden and shiny and wonderful, that it’s really the star of her outfit. She could have worn a sack and I’d have said she looks great with that perfect hair. I think I like her necklace, but it’s lost in her cleave.

 

Sutton does her version of “roughing it in a cabin without access to a Magical closet” with white cut offs and soft polka dot blouse.

I’m thrown off that neither twin is in daytime glam, but I really dig Sutton’s summery look. The light blouse is much more flattering than a tank and it dresses up the cut offs.

 

And that mint colour with polka dots is about a thousand times better than the blouse Emma chooses for dinner at the club.

What? What? My brain can’t even process that pattern with the coordinating maroon slacks. Did she dig that out of Kristin’s collection to be sent to the Goodwill? Wherever she found it, she should send it back immediately. 

 

Mads almost brings the daytime glam in her bejewelled tank with a plunging neckline that she wears with jeans to study at home.


Ok, this is more champion amateur figure skater than teenage glam. We all know she can do better, but I assume this is her version of leggings and an old college sweatshirt, so I’ll let it slide. I don’t like being judged for the outfits I wear when working at home, either. 

 

As for the shady characters that are supposed to be grown ups around these parts, well, divorce papers appear to be doing wonders for Kristin. 

Remember the days of grey sacks? Gone! Now it’s fitted, cropped pants, airy white blouses and heels.

 

And for dinner in a hotel room with your husband’s bestie?

A flattering black wrap dress. Kudos, Kristin. Kudos. Ted and his golf shirts were really dragging you down sartorially and Alec is clearly bringing out your hot mom side. 

 

Attempting to do the sexy trophy wife look is the lady in these cage shoes.

(Dear ABC Family: thank you for the double shot of gratuitous male shirtlessness plus a shoe close-up! Two of our favourite things.)

 

I could almost work with the shoes, but the cut of the pants coming down over them? And then we pan up to this mistake of a top?

Blurg… so Real Housewives of Arroyo. This is a “don’t” if ever I saw one, as is the hair I used to wear in junior high. This woman is hot one moment and a total mess the next. All her crazy plans to reunite her twins and get with their dad must get to her sometimes and she just can’t manage to bring her A game. Because it’s the only thing that describes that top with the cutout shoulders. Scheming is hard, y’all and we should try and remember that when we see Rebecca can’t pull it together, fashion-wise.