What Jess Wore

As someone who appreciates a good holiday (Happy National Pig Day!), Schmidt and Nick’s tenth anniversary of roommatehood is an excellent occasion to celebrate.  At Schmidt’s behest, he and Nick begin planning the perfect party complete with balloons, a popcorn machine, and all manner of porta potties.  But, things don’t quite go as planned when — cue the unintentional spotlight and sentimental tunes — Shivrang proposes to Cece with a ring that even a Kardashian would approve of.  And Winston does his part to contribute to Jess’s growing list of admirers when he brings around Van Montgomery Jax McTavish where they, no surprise, both hit it off.  That is, until he cries.

 

To be fair, I almost cried when I couldn’t get a good screencap of Jess’s very Jess-y Modcloth dress.  In other words, there’s red, some sort of belt, and a skirt.  Anything that involves a sash is instantly feminine and darling, and damn her beautiful, glossy, curls for hiding that charming red and white collar.  

%image_alt%

 

If there was an ounce of sewing skill in my body, I would take my scissors, cut off that ponytail/bun situation and then snip out some elbow pads to stitch onto all of my elbow padless sweaters.  Well-placed sleeve accents aside, Jax is a strapping young man whose strappingness is all covered up by a mish-mash of Grandpa-meets-Business-Casual.  It has to be the color of that sweater — it was a beautiful day in the neighborhood so why not borrow fashion inspiration from Mr. Rogers? Try again, sir.

%image_alt%

 

Is it just me, or is this scene eerily reminiscent of Dan Humphrey and Chuck Bass? It’s like if Humphrey and Chuck were a few years older and Chuck was only allowed to shop at Banana Republic. The resemblance is striking, with Nick’s confusing hair and breathtakingly unremarkable brown jacket, and Schmidt’s lovely coordinated suit with the pocket square and open bottle of booze. Uncanny.  

%image_alt%

 

As weird as it was, if someone was so inclined to celebrate a decade of cohabitation with me by throwing a masculine garden party, I wouldn’t say no. If someone wanted to use tin flower sword things as centerpieces for our party, again, I wouldn’t say no. If that someone said the only way it would happen is if I wore short shorts with tights, striped flats, and a flaming magenta cape to the party, I would cry. 

%image_alt%%image_alt%

The blouse is about as good as it gets with the bit of color blocking, the off-set stripes, and the gold buttons. All in all, it’s a chic top I wouldn’t say no to. Everything else is just one big question mark. Followed by an exclamation point, a hashtag, maybe a percent sign, and let’s throw a dollar sign in there for good measure. The magenta compliments her so well, but the cape just looks too out of place with the rest of the outfit. Plus, the shorts are too short (it’s February, Jessica. No shame in wearing pants) and I’m sorry, but I just can’t get on board with the black tights and white flats.

 

 

 

On the bright side, her Kate Spade Barrow Street purse was a welcome distraction. 

%image_alt%

 

Also a welcome distraction?  Cece’s Rachel Zoe dress at the garden party.  The zig-zag collar and asymmetrical hemline is a subtle, modern twist to what could have otherwise been another ho-hum, run-of-the-mill teal sheath dress. 

%image_alt%%image_alt%

Let’s not neglect this hot pink tassel clutch and the studded sleeves on her coat. Way to add pops of pizzazz, Cees! Both have been mentally transferred from my “want” to my “need” list. 

 

And as if her accessories couldn’t get any better…well, hello there. 

%image_alt%

 

It was a lackluster showing for Jess’s closet this time around, but with her mind firmly on Nick’s mouth, can’t blame a girl for being distracted.