Part 1 of 3: Red Hot Suzy Pepper

So, here’s what you missed on Glee: in the words of Paramore, crushcrushcrush! Rachel gets one on Will after they sing together, stalking him home and being put to work cooking and cleaning by Terri; Kurt has one on Finn, but channels his unrequited love into helping Finn sing for Quinn and their unborn child; the real baby daddy Puck has one on Quinn, and is advised to stay away from her by Mercedes. Quinn gets kicked out, Artie gets his smoulder on and April Kepner from Grey’s Anatomy plays Suzy Pepper, a girl so in love with Will she had to have an esophagus transplant (more on that later). Let’s roll on with the show…

 

This carmine colour is all the rage this episode, and Rachel starts the ball rolling with a demure cardigan and puppy dog eyes – her ballad partner Matt is absent, so she has to sing with Mr Shue. Cue the duet!

Carmine count: 1

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Looking dapper in those neutrals, William! Beige is boring. Grey is boring. Use one to trim the other, match the tie and contrast the shirt, and you have a bouncing baby outfit.

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…but wear too much grey, and you end up looking like an ashtray, which is what has happened here. Smoking kills, and so does a lack of colour in your wardrobe (I like to think).

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Realizing Rachel has a crush on him, Will turns to Emma. She, of course, is a tall glass of blue and aqua hues with an elegant tie-neck blouse and gold bangles with pops of blue and white. She’s even matched her eyeshadow – this girl is on fire!

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Rachel, on the other hand, is so matchy-matchy that she looks like the kind of Catholic schoolgirl who actually goes to church. A denim skirt, a navy waistcoat, a button-down…and what’s that? A present for your favourite teacher?

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Presents from students take Will back to the days of Suzy Pepper, a girl with the kind of crush that makes you chain someone in their basement and wear their skin. She has a penchant for chili motifs, pinafores and my nana’s reading glasses.

Carmine count: 6

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Suzy got Will a pepper tie, so he would think of her. WHY DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND?!

Will was confused, and I was confused as to why he was wearing a sweater last seen in season two of Gossip Girl, as worn by Chuck Bass. Colour, Will? What is this concept?

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Will decides, bizzarely, to put cutely clad cable-knit plaid skirted Rachel off him by singing to her. Yes, William. Because no woman likes a musician.

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For moral support, Emma witnesses the horror that is “Don’t Stand So Close to Me/Young Girl”, a peach in peach. I love the way the floral print of her skirt is represented in her pendant too, and splashes of lime are accentuated by those darling Mary Janes.

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You heard me say “the horror”… this face is why. Not a bad burgundy tie, though.

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And just when you thought it couldn’t get any creepier: heeeeere’s Rachel! She’s once again dressed like a schoolgirl, and pops up at Will’s house in one of Artie’s sweater vests. How she plans to seem grown up and desirable, I have no idea.

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Though, let’s be honest, anyone would seem desirable next to crazy Terri, a woman who always wears salmon and whose ruched top has made her boobs drop about a foot.

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Speaking of crazy, Suzy confronts Rachel in the hallway at school. Rachel appears to have skinned an umbrella and worn it as a blouse. Even Burberry doesn’t like Burberry print anymore.

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Suzy’s just super. Look at those big goo-goo (cuckoo!) eyes.

Carmine count: 7

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She stalks Rachel into the ladies’ room and tells her she’s crushing on Will to prop up her self-esteem. Rachel’s wearing gingham and argyle, as favoured by little girls and old women everywhere, so this advice couldn’t come a moment too soon.

Carmine count: 8

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The way to apologise to a man you followed home and terrorised is apparently gerberas, and dressing like Honey Boo-Boo (even Honey Boo-Boo would steered away from puffed sleeves).

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Will is terrified by this apparition in anklets, as am I. Since he’s mixing it up with pinstripes, polka dots and a pale tartan pattern, I reserve judgement in his case.

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At least he’s not wearing carmine.