Six Shades of Grey (and How to Wear It Well)

Alec is back and creepier than ever. He sweeps his revenging (!!!) bride off to a secret honeymoon at the Cabin of Poor Decisions, where she suddenly needs to hide her secret twin that her creepy husband actually, totally knows about. Meanwhile, Ted is being given an award for humanitarian surgeries and Sutton’s plan to keep him and Kristen apart goes sideways when she suddenly has feelings for her adoptive mother. And Mads is hiding her secret love affair with the step-brother (once removed) in her volumous hair. 

 

There was so much grey going on this week. And tank tops. Considering their usual daytime glamour, seeing our teenagers dressed like actual, casual teenagers is a wee bit weird. 

If they weren’t hiding out because she switched places with her evil twin and had to hide from the family they’ve been conning, well, you’d almost think they were totally normal high schoolers on a study date.

 

But then Sutton sashays in wearing lace and formal shorts to remind you that these teens don’t do normal.

That day-glo lace has to be a leftover from Laurel’s dress. Otherwise, how else could there be so much flourescent lace in the world?

 

Laurel, on the other hand, is keeping it toned down this week in muted, earthy florals.

Very Laurel House on the Prairie, in the key of Swift. 

 

Their mother, bless her well-meaning and slightly gullible heart, is wasting her golden opportunity to exact revenge on Ted by finding a new dude. Or at least make Ted jealous by dressing up in something flattering and heading to the club. What does she wear instead? A grey sack of sad, that’s what. 

Maybe, just maybe, if she had worn a bright, bold belt with it and paired it with some great heels, this dress would fly. But a drawstring waist? And I bet she’s wearing sensible shoes right now. Not even a frigging kitten heel. 

 

Let’s show her to do this, shall we other ladies and teens of Arroyo? 

We’ll start with Our Lady of Revenge (!!!). She does fancy married lady so well. 

See? She’s wearing grey, but doesn’t look like a plate of sadness. This is probably because it fits her.

 

It’s not that we’re opposed to grey, just to how Kristen wears it. Check Mads and her hairful of secrets:

The tank is again fitted and flattering. Probably even practical, considering it’s the desert. And unlike Mads’ usual style of accessorizing, she’s keeping it simple and pairing it with a great bag.

 

Behind her, to take a moment away from Kristen’s lesson in how to do grey, is a questionable moment in dude style.

What? Is it laundry day? Coral shorts with a casual Friday button up with epaulets? Are you kidding me? Do you not have your own magical closet Jordan? 

Ohhhhh….I get it. You’re here to provide us with the gratuitous male shirtlessness. Fair enough. We understand why Mads is hiding her hot for sort-of-step-bro feelings in that hair of hers. 

But that brings me back to how this girl wears her grey. 

Same grey, but this time with a pop of colour in the skirt. This is what I was trying to tell Kristen earlier – the colour jazzes up the grey big time. While the costume department loves the chartreuse yellow, Mads actually pulls it off (Kristen should maybe do a red or a deep coral with her grey). 

 

Sadly, our style advice is too late for Kristen. Because this is how she followed up her earlier grey dress with this number.

Oh sigh. Honey, you’re lucky Ted is willing to fight for you, because you’re certainly not trying very hard.

 

It’s like you’re taking lessons from Thayer.

Yeah, that’s Thayer behind Emma, not the wall. I’m with Amanda on this. His move back to LA (funded by…? Alec?) was awesome since Arroyo is no place for his brand of earnestness. Mostly because it’s all kinds of boring. 

 

Away from the grey and our fashion advice to poor Kristen are the better dressed and schemier members of the show. 

Alec somehow managed to take his casual golf wear to a creepy, passive agressive new level as he and Rebecca openly joked about killing each other over what I can only guess is a nice glass of Chianti.  

 

If Silence of the Lambs taught me nothing else, I do know for sure the creepy and devious like Chianti. When not threatening his revengey (!!!) new bride, he’s surprising her with a honeymoon to the Cabin of Bad Decisions. Frankly, a awful decision on his part since Rebecca doesn’t really do cabin in the woods.

 

The floral sheath is magnificient on her – they’re finally dressing her the way she deserves to be dressed – and holy what the what! Check out those heels! She was not expecting to be on soft ground. Which is probably why she decided to spend the rest of her honeymoon day drinking and wondering if her husband brought her up there to kill her.

The soft flowy, patterned tank is pretty much the perfect choice for such an occasion. 

 

Sutton, now free to plunder the depths of her magical closet surprises me with her choice in dresses for family therapy.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s tasteful floral sundress totes cute and I love the long chain on the key necklace. But where are the sequins? Where is the aforementioned daytime glamour? The only hint of it is in that giant ass cocktail ring (which I want a close up of. I base my love for it on its sheer planetary size).

 

If it weren’t for the afternoon events of presenting Ted with some kind of award we don’t care about, well, we’d go all episode without any glitz. Because look at adorable Laurel.

I want to see more of those darling polka dots we saw her wearing earlier at family therapy, but presenting an award is your chance to break out a new dress. Or at least a fancier one.

 

Even Kristen, yes Kristen, managed to dress herself up for the event.

I mean, holy crap! Colour that suits her and a dress that flatters her? Well done, Kristen.

 

And, despite my confusion earlier, Sutton did hit the daytime glam for at least this occasion.

The green with the black lace is straight up awesome. I love that she toned down the accessories to only a bracelet, a clutch, and some real talk about her feelings about Kristen in her speech. I may not like the idea of her and Ethan macking on each other, but she deserved some kiss action from him as a reward for that outfit. 

 

 

 

Hangovers from poor choices/sleeping in bus stations call for more tank tops. Emma wins the award for Most Tank Tops in a Single Episode (to be handed out at the Teen Choice Awards).

Weather appropriate, I know. But you think Sutton could have loaned her a few of her old outfits? Apparently not. Unfortunate green screen aside, this isn’t Emma’s best casual look ever.

 

I much prefer what she wore after chilling at the bus station. 

The spaghetti straps and the bit of detail at the neckline just make it that much more interesting. 

 

I assume Mads has the bad decision hangover after fooling around with the not-quite-step-bro (he’s more like a Clueless/Josh style step-bro: removed enough that it isn’t creepy anymore), because she’s gone super casual in the tank top department (and what you can’t see here – grey sweatpants).

As for Laurel’s (chartruese again!) tank, it’s a much more appropriate choice if one is leaving the house for the day. Although, she may be the only person who didn’t do anything questionable this week. Instead, she just dumped Jordan’s ass and probably started to write a kick ass jam about it. Wait until she writes her next song. 

It’ll probably be called, “you won’t parent trap me again.” 

 

And any earlier progress made on dressing Charisma Carpenter like the sexy bitch she is, well, went down the tubes with this tank top.

Skinnies and giant sunnies: yes. The bag: on board. The shapeless yellow top: I’m sorry, no.