Part 1 of 3: Wicked

So, here’s what you missed on Glee: the glee club has a bake sale to raise money for a handicap accessible bus to get Artie to Sectionals, but Puck gets the students baked so they’ll raise more money to support baby mama Quinn, who’s still claiming her baby daddy is Finn. Kurt and Rachel fight over the solo in Defying Gravity (why does no one remember it’s a duet?!), but Kurt throws it so his dad will no longer be exposed to ridicule because his son sings at a pitch only bats can hear. Will and I are generally exasperated because Emma isn’t around. Let’s roll on with the show…

 

Hi there, Comrade Kurt!

With the release of Anna Karenina and winter trends towards fur, military styles, sharp tailoring, you’d think I’d be more into this outfit, but no. Closing a coat with twine and stealing a hat from Snap, Crackle, Pop or Stalin will never ever be fashionable. Like, ever.

 

Will is neither impressed with the above nor impressive himself. I question a school which allows its teachers to wear jeans, the same shirts several days in a row and to whip off said shirt mid-song.

 

Why so blue/bitchy? Because Rachel got the solo?

That’s probably because you’re dressed as a Victorian orphan in beige and boring white, with a handkerchief around your neck. Is that what happens to a scarf when it dies? Kurt’s clothes are also appear to be two sizes too big for him as well as two centuries out of date.

 

…and this is too far in the other direction. That sweater should only be worn in a prone position while chugging Lucozade because of all the things you did the night before.

Is it an ascot? Is it a forgotten napkin? Does Kurt’s shirt somehow clash with his sweater, despite them both being black? Yes to all the above. The bug brooch is horrific and should not be a thing. Bouttonieres on men, yes. Brooches from the black lagoon, no.

 

I don’t know what you’re applauding for, Mercedes. Was your makeup gun stuck on “clown” or “five year old” today?

 

I really hope the skulls as a pattern trend dies out this year (I crack myself up, I really do), but the beige and orange of Kurt’s scarf and sweater are cheerful even if the rest of his pseudo-camo deserve a court martial and immediate execution.

Mercedes needs to learn that brights are not always her friend, and that you don’t have to match your eyeshadow to everything.

As for Miss Rachel Berry…is there some kind of Saving Private Ryan theme I don’t know about? Why is everyone wearing khaki? ANd who in their right mind would pair khaki with pink plaid? She looks like Tom Hanks and Britney Spears had a baby, and I hate it.

 

I’m just going to assign everyone code names in this picture. From left to right: Mike Chang, the Quinn of Everything, Puck Humphrey, Finn Failure, the Beat Box Jellyfish,  Tom Cruise in Clown Shoes, Tweedledumb and Tweedledrama, Dorothy, my late grandad and Vintage Avril.

I am disgusted by all of you, except Quinn. God save Dianna Agron.

 

In this carnival of horrors, plaid is making Rachel pooch out. Mercedes is wearing the same shirt I wore as an infant, and Finn is ignoring the fact that puffer vests are for farmers or members of the bomb squad. As for Kurt…GOOD LORD NO. You do not wear capris at the best of times, and you do not wear tartan capris ever.

And your white and black colour scheme up top was going so well.

 

Rachel seems to have a thing about ill-fitting clothes this week. The pink shirts looks fine, right up until the point when you hit her waistband – that pretty paper bag frill is making her one size above it and one size, kind of like a poorly dressed mermaid with a derp face.

 

Even Will’s concerned. I actually like that brown and gold tie, probably because I don’t believe I’ve seen it before. And what a pretty lamp. Should I just start recapping the furnishings?

 

Oh God, I may genuinely start recapping the furnishings. What is that polo shirt, Rachel? Are you a tween with a show pony? Do you actually believe baby pink and bold purple go?

 

This, on the other hand, is lovely. Tie-neck cerise with puff sleeves which are much more charming than twee because of the interesting ruching. Rachel is someone who needs more brights in her life *cough* unlike Mercedes *cough*

 

If you took blackout curtains, floral curtains and the sewing skills of a blind old woman, you would get this dress. Why/where would you buy this commerically?!

 

Will, please have a stern word with your students. And stop wearing cardigans: it’s not 2010, you’re not in a hipster band with ‘the’ in the name. And iron your shirts!

 

I don’t even know what this is. I think it’s insulting to all handicapped people to assume they dress like Artie, are colour blind or wear their hair in pigtails.

Sidenote: braces should go over busts, not around. I did musical theatre, too.