This week on MURDER ELEVATORS AND $1MIL WINE: We add yet another creepy business to add to the dossier, Stonehaven United Solutions (run by Connie’s ex-bro, that guy from Nip/Tuck). Then, after Emily runs a WINE AUCTION, Aiden and Helen-from-the-Initiative are roofied in the elevator and kidnapped to some sort of basement fight club type thing. But then it turns out it was TOTALLY EMILY AND NOLAN who kidnapped them! Also? Ashley worms her way back into Connie’s payroll, and convinced him that helping Fauxmanda will somehow help his bid to run for election in… something. Basically, he bails Jack out of jail. The best part of the episode was how being Emily’s #2 ninja got Nolan out of the orbit of the Most Boring Bisexual Love Triangle Ever. (Hint to Nolan: stop dating your employees and/or hiring your ex-lovers). But then!! After firing Marco for apparently being bad news, it turns out that Boring Padma is actually SECRETLY EVIL and working for The Initiative!


Emily’s Target
Emily is somehow working against Helen-from-the-Initiative, and the rest of The Initiative. I’m not sure how or why, but I trust she has her reasons.

Gala of the Week
Emily’s wine auction serves up Storage Wars realness, Hamptons-style.

Best Dressed
I was shocked (shocked!!!) to see Boring Padma appear in a cute red dress/black belt combo. But Emily owns the fashionz this week in her emerald green column dress. 

Most Soapy Moment
How can this not go to the Murder Elevator? 1) Being stuck in an elevator and then 2) the phones won’t work and then 3) mysterious roofie smoke starts to pour out from every crevice. 

Over-the-Shoulder Hugs 0
None. Le sigh.


Check back on Wednesday for Anthony’s take on this week’s Hamps dramz!