Part 3 of 3: Cold Shoulder

 

We start of the part of the recap dedicated to New Directions as a whole with Artie, who is indeniably sporting a Christmas sweater in an episode aired in the autumn.

Minus five points for preemptive knitwear, young man.

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Kurt is always such a comfort to me: the contrasting collar of his shirt, the kitsch motif on his tie and the judgey expression really help alleviate my suffering after endless males in polo shirts.

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Nothing can ever heal my eyes, though, after a Mercedes Jones number. Neons went out in the eighties, sweetie, and that’s where they should stay, and your tacky seventies jewellery should join them. Also, there are shoes other than sneakers. You should invest in some.

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A headband from Rachel, yay – which doesn’t match anything else she’s wearing, boo. Is that a raincoat or a hoodie in that drab shade of lilac, which admittedly compliments her skirt?

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It’s great to see Puck experimenting with colour, but layering up with Sue’s hand-me-downs is a no-no. Why not explore leather jackets, sweaters or do anything else instead?

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Will busts a move, which is wildly innapropriate for 2009, and whips off his shirt, which is wildly inappropriate in front of minors. Put your chest hair away, dude, this isn’t Brooklyn.

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The football guys seem to be into it, anyway. How come they have so little to say and yet experiment so much with colours and layering? Red and white, abstract patterns, piratical stripes and indoor jackets…they’re high schoolers after my own heart.

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Kurt, Alexander McQueen would give you a high five. I loved the exposed zipper, the tie, the patterned pants and generally red colour scheme. Tina, the same does not apply to you. Do not try and combine stripes in my presence again.

Artie, just because you’re lower down than everyone else doesn’t mean I’m not disappointed by your lack of effort. Not even a sweater vest today? Mercedes, you’re rocking that flat cap. You’re rocking that purple. You’re not rocking that sweater, though.

Note to everyone who wears such things: no one wants to read your boobs.

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Rain mac time! I love Kurt’s transparent number with contrast trim, which is itself a contrast to Rachel’s granny-esque magenta. Emma looked possibly pregnant in her wedding dress, but Mercedes could be smuggling several people under that poncho. Where are her arms?!

Tina, Artie…you tried? No. Let’s face it, you didn’t. You bought a dime store Pac-a-Mac and hope it would protect you from both sarcasm and slushies.

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Speaking of, it’s time to reclaim the slushie – but just so you know, only people who’ve been slushied can drink them now. Doesn’t Kurt look darling? White and cream are unadvisable in the daytime, but what the heck. He looks like Jay Gatsby.

Is Tina wearing a bell pull around her neck? No dice, I’m afraid, and Rachel’s blue skirt is shapeless and pointless. I like Puck in khaki, it’s very G.I. Joe. Finn’s letter jacket covers a mulitude of sins that Mercedes’ skirt really should be longer to do the same.

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Speaking of, Mercedes also appears to have skinned a rave tiger and is now carrying it around on her back, and Artie is wearing a sweater vest which looks vaguely like a Jackson Pollock but more like nothing at all, really. I prefer the Christmas sweater.

 

This is Mr Schue before: a C at best, thought two patterns at once is a very bold move for him.

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This is Mr Schue after: A plus. Grapealicious.

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This episode was prasied by critics for its character development. It should go down in histroy for its fashion faux pas. Either that, or Kurt should take over the wardrobe department.