What Jess Wore (and should have worn)

I feel for Jess – pitching the idea of a bathtub to three male bachelors is about as tough as selling vitamin-vodka to Carla Gugino. Even so, improving Plan A would have been a better idea than executing Plan B, considering the mass destruction it caused: a hole in the roof, the destruction of Schmidt’s best suits, Winston’s panic attack, Jess’ imprisonment in her own closet (ok, actually kind of jeals about that one), creepy advances from the Super, and a robbery by fake meth addicts. While Jess and Winston were enacting your terrible plans, Schmidt confessed his love to Cece and passed out in her lap (SUCH a turn-on), while Nick “crossed the bar” and ended up against a pole. A stripper pole to be exact. That’s right, Nick – you stay klassy (and not at all clichéd).

 

I see the problem with Jess’ pitch to the guys about getting a bathtub for the apartment. She’s too covered up:

Not only is she wearing a long-sleeved thick sweater, she is wearing a ponytail and glasses. Is this a cute sweater? Sure, it’s not bad! A bit simple, but nice colour, like the shoulder buttons. Are those cute glasses? Of course, love em! But I’m a girl. You’re not selling to me. Guys are SO easy to convince – you just flash a little cleavage or a little leg and *boom* new bathtub procured! Don’t give me that look! Just ask yourself – how BADLY do you want that bathtub? And in any case, a girl who fakes a robbery by meth addicts really shouldn’t get on a moral high-horse.

 

Take it from Nick’s new girlfriend – she doesn’t dress like a librarian, but like a cool biker chick. Just check out this awesomeballs leather jacket!

Look, Nick’s like putty in her hands. Ok, so she gets paid to be sexy but still! Don’t you remember Economics class? You can’t have supply without demand. (See, Mom? University degree not wasted!)

 

Schmidt’s boss is another example – she doesn’t get paid to be sexy and yet look at her:

OK, so this dress kind of looks like a bathrobe, but you gotta admit this is a wickedly hot colour! Besides, let’s be honest: the whole ‘oh I just rolled out of bed and threw this on over my naked body’ look was probably not a mistake, you dig?

So, class, let’s review: Guys = Easy to manipulate. Jess, I love you, but sometimes a girl’s gotta use her assets.

 

You’re really not bringing sexy back in this outfit either – the shapes are cute and you’re taking a very tiny, very tentative step into sultry territory with the top tied at the waist but the rest is firmly planted in librarian-land:

And really that comment is an insult to librarians because I’m sure many of them dress much more interesting than this. Gray, black and white? Sure, a girl’s gotta have neutrals, but all together? SO. BLAH. And kinda looks sloppy – definitely on track with ‘just rolled out of bed and threw this on’ but not in the good way that Carla rocks it above. And to think all this trouble could have been avoided by putting on something low-cut and red. Le sigh.

 

 

Jess remained covered-up and librarian-esque for the remainder of the episode, with this black sweater with one (slightly cool but also strange) red arm:

 

And this argyle J Crew sweater. At least it’s not a total snoozefest like the boring-as-bathwater gray and white ensemble above, but it’s still quite “regular”.

I will give her props for the final outfit of the episode – it’s still covered-up, but I lurve the colour and flowy fabric (still more sexy than a thick sweater).

Jess, if I were to tie you up and rob your apartment, I would steal this blouse! I would have raided that closet of yours and stolen every single pair of cute pj’s and graphic print dresses, too. I know you have some.

 

 

But if you think about it – this would be a win-win: I would get some fab new pieces for my wardrobe and you would have nothing to wear around the apartment except underwear, which means those testosterone-factories you call roommates would give you anything you ask for. A bathtub in every room?! Whatever you say!

Lets make this happen, Jess. Call me.