What Jess (And Schmidt’s Boss) Wore

This week on New Girl, Jess uses her “menzies” as an excuse to avoid the stress in her life and Schmidt begins an aggressive affair with his new boss, Emma (Carla Gugino). Weird? Trust me, it gets worse. Nick solves his anger problems by being cradled in a pool and Winston struggles with having empathy PMS (which is something only a man could’ve invented). Unfortunately for Jess, having her period equals wearing ONLY boring sweaters the entire episode. Well… you gotta hand it to the wardrobe department. They sure are accurate.


It’s that time of the month and jobless Jess can’t afford to pay her share of the bills.

Wait, so… she can’t pay for gas but she can pay for this boring, blue sweater??? Explain yourself!

She DOES explain herself by telling the guys she’s on her period, an always welcomed subject for the male ears. The guys freak out, throw fits, blah, blah, blah. Come on, it’s been how long since you’ve been living with a girl? And don’t you people have SISTERS? Dear Nick, Winston, Schmidt and All Men Around the World: GET OVER IT.


Speaking of being “over it,” this outfit is just so DULL. Can’t she add a little accessory (the glasses do NOT count) or maybe some cute earrings? A pretty hair pin?? God Jess, throw me a bow here.


As a punishment, Schmidt shuts off the hot water and Jess can’t shower for her interview that day. But at least she’s out of that boring sweater and into one of the cutest bathrobes I’ve ever seen:

Frilly, pink and short. I LOVE IT. 


Meanwhile, Schmidt is being sexually assaulted by the VP in the company kitchen:


Important points to note in this very odd scenario:

1) Is it just me or does it seem like Schmidt is ALWAYS being sexually assaulted by every woman he works with???? There was definitely another episode that had the same b-plot.

2) Why Schmidt? Correct me if I’m wrong, but he’s no Brad Pitt.

3) This VP is not only hot but she is ALL STYLE:

I loveeee this outfit. I would even be tempted to pick it as the best outfit of the week if she weren’t such a minor character. The zipper white blouse, the red pencil skirt and the single silver bangle. She’s not only VP of Associated Strategies but she is also VP of Perfect Business Fashion EVERYWHERE.

Even if she is clearly nuts.


Jess goes into her interview looking super cute in a red skirt suit and striped Kate Spade handbag.


It saddens me to pick an interview outfit for the best outfit of the week but this is by far the only outfit in contention. Not only does this make her stand out in the waiting room, but it would also make her stand out in ANY business situation. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a red skirt suit work so well EVER. 

Unless you’re a female Ron Burgundy.


Unfortunately, the interview goes from this…


…To this:

Mini dogs in teacups! This is worse than that sad Sarah McLachlan dog commercial! Fortunately, her eyelashes stay luscious and gorgeous, even with all those tears. Impossible for anyone else not named Zooey Deschanel.


Emma brings Schmidt into her office to sign a contract that allows them to have sex. She continues to kill it in this black dress and studded belt.


Here is a better look at her 6-inch python heels and poof ponytail:

Damn, this girl had got it going on.


After she screws up her interview, Jess mopes around with Winston (who also believes he’s having his period (????)) in these decently cute PJs. Not her best PJ attire BUT I will still never look as good as this when I’m on my period:


Oddly enough, Winston most accurately represents me on my period (and probably 99% of women):

Like, literally, is the writer of this episode spying on me??? Because, this is like a screenshot of my life.


After Nick is miraculously healed from anger issues by a random smiley Asian man in the park (FACT), Nick takes Jess to a pool and uses the same techniques:

So, not only does Jess wear the best non-every day clothes in this episode (bathrobe, business attire) but she also has the CUTEST BATHING SUIT IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE. Nautical, polkadots and big ol’ buttons. WANT. SWOON. REPEAT.


Somehow, this whole pool-cradling thing actually works and Jess goes back for another interview in a more serious-looking (but less cute!) outfit:

It’s hard to see in the episode but she wears a navy blue skirt suit and a patterned blouse underneath, pretty standard cute biz style.


I mean, not blown away but perfectly dece. And at least it gets her the job!


Unfortunately, she goes back to her boring sweaters by the end of the episode. Thus is the circle of life, I guess.

I hate monotone Jess. But I love Nick’s mustard yellow pants! Never did I think Nick could show Jess up in ANY situation, especially FASHION. Good Lawwwd, nothing makes sense anymore!!


Schmidt and his boss continue to have that bizarre sex-contract storyline. I don’t know how this woman does it, but who the EFF makes a turtleneck look this sexy?

They go on to have bondage foreplay. God, this storyline is the weirdest. 


Yeah, I take that back:


I don’t know what’s more unsettling… Nick cradling Winston, Jess helping him, Schmidt watching or the Asian woman playing the flute?

Definitely, Schmidt watching. Creeper.