What Jess Everyone Wore

Usually this is “What Jess Wore”, but we only saw Jess in two outfits this week, and Zombie Woody Allen barely counts. Jess finds herself falling in like with Sam when she learns he’s a pediatrician (!) and the kids love him (!!). She invites him to a Halloween festival where she’s working the haunted house, and hey – the whole gang’s here, including 1) Nick and his college crush Amelia, who perhaps is not his dream girl after all, 2) Winston and Shelia, whose relationship doesn’t make it out alive, and 3) Schmidt/Cece/Robbie, who come to an understanding. Maybe? Geez, no wonder Jess dressed up as a neurotic zombie.


So the obvious “outfit of the week” nod goes to the adorable sweater Jess wore while dropping off her man friend’s forgotten wallet.


Love the sweater, love the skinny jeans, love the flats. Cute, casual and perfect for discovering that the dude you’ve been, er, “spending your evenings with” cures sick kids from 9-5.


Sidenote: Jess’s lipstick complemented the sweater without being too matchy-matchy. Well done, friend.


Well, that was fun. Now let’s take a look at Jess’s outfit for the haunted house. Anyone seeing Zombie Hobo as opposed to Zombie Woody Allen?

I think the obvious joke here was “Hannah Eats Her Sisters”. Right? Right. Anyway, the costume is a dud because Jess didn’t look pretty or scary. You’ve gotta commit when Halloween is on the line.


Lest you think I’m being unfairly harsh on Jess, the others didn’t do much better. Here are Cece, her boyfriend Robbie, and Schmidt, aka Angel, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and Young Abraham Lincoln.

How is Cece an angel? Is she even wearing wings? I don’t see a halo. I didn’t think it was possible, but she’s managed to look even less like an angel than a Victoria’s Secret model. Schmidt’s Abe Lincoln getup just got mistaken for the groom to Cece’s bride, and Robbie…well, the glasses really took away from the costume.


Eventually, Schmidt allowed Robbie to take the “groom” costume and he went with a backup option – Matthew McConaughey in Magic Mike.

Oh dear. I can’t unsee that.


Winston and Shelby had the worst Halloween of anyone, since their costumes were so bad that they actually broke up. I mean, a cop, Winston? Really? That is not a sexy costume for a man. And why make us look at that awful fake moustache the day before we begin a month of terrible real moustaches?

Happy Movember!


Shelby’s costume was supposed to be clever, but I dunno, punny costumes are risky territory. At any rate, it’s definitely not sexy.

Reigning cats and dogs. Get it? Laughing? I’m guessing your answers are a) yes and b) no.


You can be clever without stapling stuffed animals to yourself, Shelby. Just look at Nick:

Bea Arthur! Took me a minute, but that is a pun I can live with.


And in case you were wondering, this image? Not a Halloween costume.

That’s just Nick Miller circa The College years. He’s come a long way, baby.