Part 1 of 2 – The House of Clarke

I hope you watched this episode with a parka/open fire/faux fur pelt nearby because the icy stares in this episode were frigid, y’all. We all knew Kray Mama Kara was kray, but she’s taken the Single White Female-ness of the Hamptons to a new level. Emily is devastated by the memory of her mom drowning her and is all, “girlfriend’s gotta go”. But because Fauxmanda is everything Emily should have been – and fresh out of her coma – there’s a little forgiveness thrown around.

Meanwhile, Queen Vic and Connie are scheming to get remarried while keeping Kray Mama under their thumb, and Daniel is fixing to push Conrad out of office (so to speak). That just leaves Nolan to deal with Shady Padma, Jack and Declan to reopen the Stowaway, and Wee Baby Carl to probably reveal some sort of ulterior motive because REVENGE!!!


Could Queen Vic be doing anything more cartoonishly evil than pruning oversized roses in her conservatory? I mean, all she’s missing is a white Persian cat and a cigarette wand as she casually spins a globe deciding which nation she’ll annex. Mannerisms aside, Queen Vic is looking mighty fierce in this pink dress. The mini gold belt is the perfect accent to show off her curvaceous silhouette and, as usual, the hair is over the top.


But why the look of dread on Queen Vic’s face? Oh yeah, this kray mama is back from the dead! Kara Phillips, for your triumphant return to the Hamptons, couldn’t you have dressed up your floral babydoll a little more? The cardigan looks sloppy against the delicate fabric of her dress, and a purse hanging in front has always been a pet peeve of mine. It reminds me of a feedbag. All the pieces could be great with other outfits, but together it’s a warmed over mess. The doily top she busts out for her apology to Fauxmanda is such a contrast; frankly, that should have been her opening number.


I mean… does it get any better than this? I haven’t seen frigid bitch face like this in years, and I’m a dedicated RuPaul’s Drag Race: Untucked fan.


LOOK AT THIS KRAY MAMA. I mean, this is Renfield territory. I’m half expecting her to start talking to the air and calling someone “Master”. 

There was something so unsettling about her first scenes, I wouldn’t be surprised if critics get all up in JJL’s acting chops while she’s on Revenge(!!!).


Aw, Charlotte – you made it into the episode! Anyone else get the feeling she’s going to get trapped in that Season 1 void of walk-ons until she has a breakdown? At least she’s looking super cute in this high-waisted floral skirt. It almost looks a little sofa-esque to me, but when you’re young with ferocious hair, anything works.


I have to say, I wasn’t impressed with Emily’s fashionable choices this week. Girlfriend has had so many luxurious costume changes, I now have Cher-like expectations of her. The episode started off with her snugglin’ on the couch with Aiden in that low cut black top, but I think we need to concentrate on this blue number. This blue, silken, gorge slip of a top that makes her blonde hair scream “I’M LUXURIOUS”. Add the gold pen accessoire in the vein of Joan Harris, and you my friend have a fierce queen.


The subtle (not-so-subtle) wink to the audience with Amanda and Kara’s wardrobe was admittedly cute. Both strolling into the nursery in delicate white sundresses, each with slightly different lace cut details – I see what you’re throwing down, Revenge(!!!) stylists. 


Let’s take a closer look at Emily’s white dress, shall we? I’ll never get over how this chameleon vixen can go from soft and innocent in white, to vicious and cold in her Revenge(!!!) gear.


And from the (questionably) innocent white dresses, we slip inside Grayson Manor to see Queen Vic thrashing around Kray Kara’s room in her villainous black dress. Let’s be real: colours look great on Victoria but no one pulls of the slinky black gown like this broad. 

While she berates Connie for wearing yet another drab ass suit (my words, not hers), Queen Vic and her husband hatch a scheme to protect each other from the law.

How, you ask? Oh, it’s simple – get remarried! Wait, I totally forgot they were divorced. The amount of DRAMZ per capita means you need a spreadsheet to remember who’s up to what. God, I love this show.