This episode contained cake, cookies, Nadia, and a physical comedy bit worthy of Lucille Ball. Also, there was a Russian monkey cartoon. No, I am not making that up. Jess wants to celebrate Cece’s birthday as per usual (cake + Clueless on VHS), but Cece instead suggests that they go clubbing with her model friends… who think that Jess bears a strong resemblance to a monkey in a Russian cracker cartoon. Hey, it happens. Jess throws a fit, gets into a boob fight with Cece (again, not making that up) and ends up filling in for Cece as a car model. Cue the I Love Lucy moments. B plot: Schmidt feels unappreciated, and something about cookies. But we’re here to discuss What Jess Wore…

 

If Jess showed up at my door with a pointy hat, cake, and her “HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DUDE!” song, my reaction would be to faceplant that shizz. I mean, really. When’s the last time that happened to you? I’d be careful not to get any cake on her cute JCrew boatneck tee, though, as I’d probably ask to borrow it in the near future.

Although, I am a wee bit distracted by the idea that she walked around with that cake exposed to the elements. Ew, right? Or am I too uptight?

 

When Cece recommends that they alter their 20-ish year old ritual and instead go out with her model friends, we get treated to the first of many flashbacks, this one featuring schoolmarm Jess trying to make conversation with a model.

Jess, a tip: If you’re going out with models, try to look like you’re going out, not like you’re the Sad Girl who waits for her phone to ring on a Saturday night. Ditch the cardi, the pony, and the glasses and I’m guessing the dress underneath would be suitable.

 

Ah, this is better! A sexed up Erin Fetherston dress paired with sassy blue shoes.

 

 

Plus teal hoops, plenty of eyeshadow (no Nick, it’s not shoe polish) and a smouldering stare. Mustn’t forget that.

 

But all the smouldering in the world doesn’t help Jess. The models still say she reminds them of a monkey from a Russian cracker commercial. I do see the resemblance:

Here, just watch it. You won’t regret it.

Ooh, wait! There’s a long-form version. Thank you, Internet!

BY THE WAY, we here at YKYLF consulted our on-staff linguist, who translated the lyrics as follows:
In the trees
Up above the birdies
Is the chirping monkey

Monkey where’s your crackers?
Monkey, monkey you are my best friend
Blah blah fake Russian mumbo jumbo.

Thanks, Ritchie!

 

The next day, Jess is sans eyeshadow and in one of her signature adorable PJs. These are by Victoria’s Secret, which is funny, because I never pegged her for a VS girl. At any rate, at this point I’m thinking the PJs deserve their own recap. Perhaps we should do a video montage. Or at the very least, a retrospective. Yes/No?

 

Cute or not, one can not wallow in PJs all day. For the obligatory apology trip to Cece’s, she’s back in JCrew stripes. Perhaps to symbolize her emotional imprisonment to Cece? Or maybe she just likes stripes.

 

Let’s back up a hot minute to the night before: the models were taunting Jess (“Dance Monkey, dance!”), Jess told the models off, Cece overheard, they got in a boob fight (Nick: “I’m not gonna lie, I’m a little aroused right now”), Jess stormed out, and Cece proceeded to drink herself silly. Fast-forward to the next morning, where Cece is too wrecked to perform her car show duties. Jess to the rescue!

 

Except, she apparently forgot how to walk in heels. Are these Enzo plats really that much of a challenge? Scroll back up to the big blue heels she wore for her night out. I will say, though, that every time I go to a trade show I’m amazed at the shoes they expect the models to wear. Would they really sell fewer cars if they wore sensible flats? Perhaps some cute riding boots? How about a nice wedge heel, at the very least? I, for one, won’t stand for this!

 

And neither will Jess, apparently.

 

S’ok Jess. Mega eyelashes and killer heels are enough to do any of us in. At least you still make awesome cake.