Part 3 of 3: On the Down-Low

 Pray silence for Artie’s Oklahoma!-esque sweater vest. May it die a horrible death. Soon.

 

Letter jackets, I do not like. The English have started to pick them up as a trend and I do not approve, and the American ones get the same treatment. Get a proper jacket you can change on a daily basis! Imagine how sweaty Finn’s must get. Ewww.

 

Emma in the naughty corner? Say it ain’t so!

But it is, gentle reader, because she has the eyes of a faun but the blouse of a maitre’d at an Italian restaurant. Has she contracted some rare disease? So many ruffles…

 

Luckily for Emma, Ken would probably still be after her even if she did suffer Blue Nile Ruffle-itis. His shorts are too short. That eclipses any good points of colour or cut.

 

Garish, marker yellow/green, plus a tiny engagement ring. Horrifying. It’s called a rock for a reason, Ken – you should be able to knock someone out from twenty paces if you throw it.

 

HIS SHORTS ARE TOO SHORT. And what’s with the fanny pack, is it a football thing?

Tee hee, fanny pack (sorry, but we call them bum bags, and a fanny means something different, and that makes everything hilarious for me).

 

Rachel fell from grace into this category with a surfeit of pink. Yes, I liked her pink and white cardigan of earlier. No, I do not like it when she dresses like a candy striper.

 

This episode shows us Rachel’s morning routine, which includes pink and blue and nothing to get sweaty about (on the elliptical, that is). How does she get a boyfriend, remind me? Personality?

 

That’s it, pray the decongestants will save us all from this Flashdance fashion flashback.

 

Now, I’ve had a lot of things to say about yellow this Gleecap. Why I don’t like it here: Rachel looks like a French Fancy and Mercedes looks like a Brazilian footballer. Kurt’s trousers are eating his feet, and Finn is wearing some kind of body-warmer only ever to be worn by aged farmers.

Hey, Puck. How you doin’.

 

Ahhh, another body-warmer! A fuchsia coloured one! Kill it!

Another pair of plaid trousers, this time eating Tina! Kill them!

 

Rachel: blue looks lovely on you. Try not to choose such a boring shirt next time.

Tina: black on black is not a fashion statement, and your hat and highlights clash.
Mercedes: dear GOD, cross your legs. And stop wearing sports socks indoors. And mini skirts. And those weird super high sneakers.
Quinn: if you don’t want anyone to know you’re pregnant, stop hanging onto your belly/hoo-ha like a life raft. Just a piece of advice.

 

This is just a big old pile of awkward. Kurt is dressed as Jane Fonda back in the day, and his white trousers disgust me. Actually disgust me. Artie, Rachel and Finn fail to thrill with basic stripes and block colours, and Mercedes is a big old mess with a choker. Nuh-uh.

The silvery lining? Tina, despite her fluoro-rosary, is rocking some plum knitwear. Quelle surprise.

 

I’ve Stopped Believin’ these kids could dress their way out of a paper bag.