Heeeeeere’s what you missed on GLEE:  Brittany goes off the deep end, giving voice-overs out loud, losing her position on the Cheerios, and convincing the club to lip synch during a performance. If the People In Charge Of Acapella Club Competitions find out, New Directions could get banned from competing. OH NOES. Marley thinks bad boy Jake is cute, and Jake shrugs off all attempts to be coaxed back into the Glee Club until he picks a fight in the cafeteria (defending Marley!!!) and Mr. Shue throws him at (surprise!) his half-bro, Puck, who advises that he join Glee club and Learn To Be A Real Man.

Meanwhile in NYC, Kurt and Rachel snag a spacious loft with exposed brick. As you do, when you’re a 18-year old character on a TV show. Evil Dance Teacher decides that Rachel has no sex appeal and thus refuses to let her learn the tango, so Rachel employs Brody to help her show Cassie July who’s REALLY got sex appeal… but things get out of hand, and then later Brody tries to kiss Rachel and Rachel HAS FEELINGS and doesn’t know what to do about the fact that Brody is supermegafoxyawesomehot and Finn hasn’t spoken to her in months. A Brody in the hand is worth two the bush, Rachel…

 

Rachel’s Melodramatic Solo of the Week:

I gotta say it. Her rendition of “Oops…I Did It Again” was weak. It had such potential, but instead was utterly whiny. I’m not surprised that Cassie July sat back and was Judgy McJudgemental during the number — Rachel didn’t even really dance so much as posture and gyrate. She flipped her hair once or twice. So.

Anyway, Rach, don’t feel bad. I am equally unsexy in general but that doesn’t mean I don’t get cast. You can still be a B’way diva without being Sex on Legs, girl.

 

How Sue Sees It:

Sue: “The Cheerios’ GPA has dropped three full points. My girls no longer see academic achievement as a worthy goal and yesterday I caught one of them trying to marry a squirrel.”

Brittany: “That’s because I believe in equal marriage for all land mammals.”

Track Suit Count: 2

 

Song of the Week:

It’s a tie between Unique taking lead vocal on “Womanizer” and Marley and Jake’s freakin adorable (and unresolved-sexual-tension-laced) mash-up of “Crazy” by Aerosmith with Britney’s “You Drive Me Crazy.”

I love the Grease-esque bleachers setting of Jake and Marley’s down-to-earth flirting sesh, but I also love the way the “Womanizer” sequence is filmed, with them watching Jake bounce from girl to girl throughout the school and then a sassy gym class dance where they tie him up in a tug-of-war rope at the end!

Will Unique show Marley the wonders of a good colorblocked outfit and reinvent her? I’m hoping for a 21st century Sandy Olsson-style makeover.

Tell me about it, stud.

 

Dance Number of the Week:

Rachel’s Big Dance Number was bust in my opinion, so the award goes to Brittany and the Cheerios’ opening with “Hold It Against Me.” I love the sharp choreography the Cheerios have, and — be still my high school marching band geek heart! — they brought in a colorguard corps and used air blades (a modern variation of the traditional colorguard rifles) in their dance routine! MAD PROPS! I love it!

 

Best Outfit(s) of the Week:

Rachel is embracing her determined independence with a severe dosage of Mary Tyler Moore type cardigans, high-waisted shorts/skirts, and chain-link handbags.

Oh, and berets. Did I mention berets?

I think Rachel has found her new go-to formula: long-sleeve top, short skirt, optional beret.

 

Worst Outfit of the Week:

Poor Brittany lost her Cheerios uniform when she got fired… and THESE monstrosities came out of the Lost and Found of McKinley High. Oh, the horror!!!

CROCS? Are those Crocs on H. Mo’s talented feet? YOU TAKE THOSE CROCS OFF RIGHT NOW!