Last week on Sixteen Candles Pretty in Pink Some Kind of Wonderful All the 80s Teen Movies Jane by Design, the YKYLF staffroom went into some legit mourning over the cancellation of JBD. Sure we’re harsh on Jane. And sure, our Editor-in-Chief did once utter the words “Jane By Design lacks the depth of Pretty Little Liars“. But no matter how much of a mess Jane was, she was our whirligig of a mess. So, as we stop saying “say it ain’t so” and ABC Family tears down the sets and the actors start looking for work, we thought we’d pull together a final obituary of our favourite characters.
In case you were wondering what would happen next season, showrunner April Blair laid it all out. We’d also like to take a moment to tell April Blair we appreciate her for the JBD fun, in spite of Monte Carlo. If ABC Family wants to change their minds and bring Jane back, we’ll be on board because this show was made for us. We were always guaranteed a costume change.
Jane by Design in Memoriam
The world lost one the few sane and stylish people today as Carter passed on. Surgeons tried to save him, but after being caught in a crossfire of stilettos and tutus during a fight at the Donovan Decker offices in New York, he lost the brave fight. He will always be remembered as the best dressed man at Donovan Decker.
Nick disappeared from Whitemarsh High after the final baseball/football/whatever he played of the season. Sources say there is a generic looking high school student with a penchant for hoodies claiming to be him but, being an unremarkable character, authorities cannot be sure at this time.
Ben suffered from blunt force trauma during a trip to the batting cage. His number has been retired and he will be posthumously inducted into the Whitemarsh Sports Hall of Fame. He and his adorable derp face will be missed. He is survived by his missing mother, her hot boyfriend Dakota, and the love of his life, Rita Shaw. Ms. Shaw has not been seen since his funeral and is expected to be at home with a lot of cats and a hoarding problem.
Lulu and Harper
Lulu was reported missing sometime around episode 11 and hasn’t been seen since. If you spot an overly preppy mean girl sporting a Smythe jacket and fair isle sweater vest, please phone Whitemarsh authorities.
In an attempt to go all Showgirls on another rival, Harper fell victim to her own prank and slipped on some beads. After weeks in a medically induced coma, Harper was pronounced dead. The world has been unfairly stripped of one of it’s most adorable mean girls.
Jeremy asphyxiated from an overly tight bowtie. Police are not ruling out foul play at this time and have brought notorious schemer India in for questioning.
In one of life’s great ironies, Billy was unknowingly allergic to a rare element of nickel commonly found in costume jewelry for men. After wearing one chain too many, he succumbed to a severe allergic reaction. Jane tried to use her stiletto heel to perform a traceotomy, to little effect, as he died a few hours later at the Whitemarsh General Hospital. Billy is survived by a nogoodnik older brother and a mother we never knew. His ex-girlfriend was quoted as saying, “If only he wore a quality studded leather jacket and more expensive jewelry, this cheap metal problem could have been avoided. This is why I only wear McQueen and Hermes.”
Gray Chandler Murray has mysteriously vanished. Police suspect someone may have mistaken her for Victoria Grayson, but boring. And with less style. And boring. Sources close to the case have revealed that a Canadian fashion blogger is considered a person of interest at this time. When reached by phone, the blogger made the following statement, “I admit nothing. Although I can’t say I’m sorry about the demise of Grey Chandler Murray.”
While running from one location to another in impractical footwear, Jane died taking a tumble down a flight of stairs to a subway platform while wearing 7″ platform heels. Eyewitnesses say she flailed all the way down. She will be buried with her shoes. She is survived by a large collection of tutus.
Ed note: It did not escape our attention that there is a character named Amanda Clark on this show, in which case we can’t help but wonder if this whole series isn’t just an elaborate Revenge flashback (ABC/ABC Family…not so far-fetched). You guys, Amanda just Red Sharpie’d an entire cast.