SEASON FINALE! Having spent a short HBO-sized season with these ladies, it’s time to wrap things up with a touch of religiosity! Carrie’s shocked to learn Big takes his Mom to church every week – and even more shocked that his mother has no idea who Carrie is. Charlotte has faith she’s going to find a husband, until a psychic tells her she’s DOOMED TO DIE A SPINSTER! Sam sees the light – unexpectedly falling in love with a guy who’s practically perfect. And Miranda… well, #insertcrappystorylinehere

 

Pants off! It’s column writing time!

“… and I couldn’t help but wonder: why don’t I ever wear pants?”

 

Carrie goes for a walk with Mir, talking about their respective relationships. Miranda’s dating a Catholic who has some hang-ups, but really, can she be that picky when dressing like early 90s Ellen Degeneres? In 1998? When even Ellen had given up on the “actual men’s clothes as menswear” look?

Carrie looks particularly adorbs in this ensemble, which emphasizes her teeny tiny waist. Actually, the bright pink and highwaisted pants wouldn’t be that out of place in 2012. But I think we all know the camera cut away before SJP actually ate any of that ice cream for reals.

 

To do research for her column, Carrie gets her spy on and stakes out a local church (I guess to get a taste of what sorts of people attend church?). Her superspy attire leaves much to be desired:

I mean, there’s low key, and then there’s dressing like Sporty Spice making a coffee run. Step up your game, C-Brads.

 

The fab four meet up for cocktails, because it’s the 90s and that’s what you do, and each of their outfits perfectly sums up what we’ve come to know about them this inaugural season:

Carrie: Hot Mess, morning-after hair, nerps

 

Charlotte: Victim of 90s trends, regrettably overdone hair

 

Miranda: Lipstick lesbian

 

Samantha: big shoulders, bigger sex drive

 

Samantha comes bearing EARTH SHATTERING NEWS: she thinks she might be falling in luuurve! (Spoiler: it doesn’t work out. But imagine how different the series would have been if Sam had settled down with a guy in the first season)

She met him at a jazz club which is just, yuck. He was wearing a white blazer with a black button-up inside which is yuck squared.

 

Fashion victim Charlotte puts on yet another strappy cocktail dress (and her trademark TRAGIC 90s HAIR) to go and see a psychic to hear what she hopes is good news about when she’ll meet her future husband.

The news she gets is bad, but my advice? Ditch the blue eyeshadow and the cocktail prom dresses and your luck might change.

 

Of all the girls, Miranda’s got the strongest sense of friendship. Notice how she’s always the one most willing to step up as a friend? She’s totally the Spencer of the SATC crew. So, it comes as no surprise that she’s Carrie’s wingman to stake out Big and his Mom at church.

Bur Mir being Mir, her church lady outfit is 5% OK and 95% OH HONEY NO. The hat is great with her colouring, but combining bright pink with bright orange is a VARSITY LEVEL FASHION MOVE. On experimental fashionistas like PLL’s Aria, Apartment 23’s Chloe, or even Ms. Bradshaw – fine. But on Miranda, it looks like donned clashing colours by accident, not on purpose.

Plus, SAD BEIGE BLAZER.

Unfortunately, this is not Miranda’s biggest WTF moment this episode.

 

Carrie goes typically overboard with her church-goin’ garb, including not just a wide-brimmed hat and demure dress, but also white gloves:

Her dress is adorbs, but all the church garb in the world won’t make her relationship with Big work out. He not only introduces her to his mother as his “friend,” but his mother has no idea who Carrie is. And they’ve been together for MONTHS.

BU-URN!

Even a nerps-filled dinner (note: love how the camera cuts away when Carrie puts the spaghetti in her mouth; continuing the trend of SJP totally not eating anything, really) won’t make Big make the commitment to her that she wants.

“Food is a fun accessory! What do you mean you want me to eat carbs?”

 

Then it’s PARTY TIME! Bring out the go-go dancing male strippers dressed like angels!

As you do.

 

Carrie’s still bummed about Big, so she tries to cheer herself up with the WORST HAIR EXTENSIONS EVER.

Like, those curls aren’t even the same barrel size as her natural hair. Also, that dress is nasty. I appreciate the raspberry pink colour story she’s been working this week but like… is that lace on the neckline? Why isn’t the waist fitting her properly on the (teeny tiny, carb-free) waist? Also, the hem is way too long. Sorry! Try again!

Literally. WORST EXTENSIONS EVER.

Also, the lipstick doesn’t really go with the dress. But girlfriend’s mid-crisis, so I guess I can forgive it THIS ONE TIME.

 

And what are the other ladies wearing for the party?

Charlotte: 90s prom dress. Sam: Buffy the Vampire slayer hair. Mir: Lipstick lesbian.

And can one of the girls please gank Carrie’s weave? Like IMMEDIATELY?

 

Sam has a sad because Mr White Jacket Jazz Guy turns out to have a tiny member, which is like the ONLY THING SHE LOOKS FOR IN A GUY. “I like a big c*ck,” she says, through tears.

Don’t worry, Sam. You’ve got like 6 seasons of c*cks to work with, coming up.

 

Miranda actually chose an OK dress for this event. The blue colour is striking with her red hair and porcelain skin (shame about the pashmina, but I’ll take what I can get with this lady), and the neckline reminds us that she’s actually a LADY with some mega-cleave.

But it turns out she was wearing BAD DECISION JEANS because, still reeling from being dumped by the Catholic guy (for forcing him to snuggle with her) she makes the WORST CALL.

 

Who’s there, hoping to run into her? SKIPPER.

She doesn’t do the rational thing which is, RUN RUN RUN AWAY. No, Miranda tells him that she MISSES HIM. Suddenly Skipper is a viable boyfriend option, just because he wasn’t traumatized by nuns like her recent ex.

What’s the opposite of a squee? Vomit?

 

Let’s cleanse our palate with the always nattily-dressed Stanford and his latest piece:

Awww.

 

Anyway, Carrie finally decides that she doesn’t want to be with Big if he’s not going to take their relationship seriously. She dumps him just as they’re about to go for a holiday together, and when she’s weirdly wearing her second pair of gloves this episode.

I like her big hatbox-esque suitcase. And her red shoes. Actually, this is a pretty decent outfit, aside from the bizarre gloves:

Her nerps are covered and everything!

 

Anyway, so she dumps this Big character. I guess that’s the last we’ll see of him, right? Good riddance, I don’t think he was good for her anyway. You can tell by how he’s wearing a SPORT COAT over a TEE SHIRT.

So long, bad boyfriend! Don’t let the door hit you on the way out! In the next six seasons and two movies, I’m sure we’ll see Carrie get lots of better boyfriends, right? This guy’s gone for good… right?