Part 1 of 3: It’s a Diva-Off!

So, here’s what you missed on Glee: Will ropes in an old school crush to liven up glee club in Rachel’s absence (despite the fact that it’s Kristin Chenoweth and she’s, like, old), but Finn thinks flirting will get the Berry back, which totally backfires when she realises Quinn’s totally pregnant. Kurt turns into Don Draper for one memorable episode and Emma manages to look chic and sweet even when looking down her nose at Glinda the Good Witch April Rhodes. Let’s roll on with the show…

 

Damn, Glinda got slutty. I don’t know it’s the several pints of wine she’s downed, but April is glowing. Great hair, great tan, great denim romper thing – who says homeless means homely?

 

Rachel, on the other hand…is Rachel. She’s wearing a sweater with a cutesy print. No one is surprised.

 

April and Rachel do simultaneous performances of ‘Maybe This Time’, during which April looks like a white trash fairy princess, cropped jacket a-flowing and cleavage swelling to new heights. Her dress is floral patterned, skintight, and R-rated.

 

Rachel is rated U for Unimaginative. A little black dress does not a glamazon make, Berry.

 

Dear Lord, I think even April’s earrings are denim. It’s like they’ve decanted Carrie Underwood into a smaller package, boosted her bust and stolen her class. There seems to be a running theme of blue and hot pink going on here…

 

Or blue denim and salmon as she drives Kurt to drink…

 

Or skanky blue leopard print…

 

Or skanky leopard-coloured leopard print, which has matching lace to keep April classic (NOT).

 

Rachel could do with being a lot more skanky, in my opinion. She’s young, she’s pretty but she’s always hiding behind an animal print she stayed up half the night knitting while her tears of repression soaked the fabric. Oh, and a button-down shirt.

 

Another day, another patterned sweater. This one appears to have been inspired by a dixie cup.

 

I can see a sort of naval theme going on here, and I approve, especially since Rachel’s skirt has a structured waistband and plenty of useless – but a la mode – buttons. The only problem is that I think she’s painted her nails white to match her sweater.

White nails are like white tights, Rachel.

You don’t want to know what I say about white tights, Rachel (if you want to know what I say about white tights, why not try our Gossip Girl recaps? Fun for the whole family).

Nuh-uh. Do not wear one shade of pink in a hooded sweatshirt with another, sludgier shade of pink as a skirt. That is a lampshade skirt and I will not have it.

 

And that…is a camisole worn as a shirt beneath a blazer. Woohoo for the tailored jacket, but babies wear those kind of underclothes. You should be more skanky, at all costs.

 

Like this! A sexy hot pink hat ‘n’ dress combo with gold fringe, gold detailing, a big ol’ gold belt and a pair of inexplicable gauntlets. April looks like Barbie the Stripper. I tip my hat to her.

 

Rachel is dressed like a man. I tried.