Neither the tortoise nor the hare are winners in this episode. The girls attend the wedding of someone who has “settled” for a mate, and are thus in a tizzy, making bad decisions left and right. You know, as opposed to every other episode. Miranda and Charlotte swear off men in exchange for the Rabbit, Samantha dates New York legend (The Turtle), and Carrie tells Big she wants to get married someday. We hope she’s cool waiting for about nine more years.

 

Weddings always serve to be great people watching, and this Upper East Side affair is no different. Bride Brooke exhibits 90s perfection in an overly puffy gown and a enormous veil. All she needs to be fully entrenched in retro bridedom is bedazzled sleeves and a skirt pick up… oh wait, nevermind. 

 

After analyzing the bride, the most fun of a wedding is checking out the other guests! These nuptials are filled with “boring investment bankers and the women who love to hate them.” Obviously these ladies show their investment banking distaste by wearing boring pastels, shoulder pads, and puffy hair. 

 

This girl must really hate investment bankers because she has the puffiest hair and the worst dress of all. A square neckline and shoulder pads? And in white… at a wedding?! Tisk tisk. 

 

Amid this sea of colorless conservative cocktail attire, we have trainwreck island. Clad in tight black dresses and nary a puffy sleeve in sight, these chicas are hitting the bar (and the hairspray bottle) hard. Carrie said that they look like the “Witches of Eastwick.” I think they look more like Fly Girls from In Living Color. Potato, pah-tato. 

 

For those of you on Cosmo Watch, please note the appearance of the iconic pink martini during the wedding cocktail hour. I almost missed the girly drink because I was so caught up in Charlotte, in the first of many fashion mistakes in this episode. What is with that completely odd hair style? 

 

Whatever it is, it might look worse from this angle. 

Carrie and Miranda won’t even make eye contact with it.

 

Every good wedding has a fabulous singles table, but unfortunately for the girls, they got put at the not-so-fabulous singles table. Perhaps being seated here is punishment for not wearing pastels? It appears gold chains were also an intolerable transgression. 

 

But I will say that Samantha looks amazing in her sexy black cocktail dress. I’m even on board with the feathery banana clip/ fascinator.

Enter Bernie Turtletaub, a Wall Streeter with bad breath, bad game, and a purple tie. He’s smitten with  Samantha, who is suddenly very interested in her cosmo.

 

Alas, all good weddings come to an end. On the way out, Brooke whispers into Carrie’s ear that “It’s better to marry someone who loves you more than you love them.” I’d be careful taking advice from someone with fluffy bangs.

 

But of course, this got Carrie thinking. And when she thinks, she thinks Big. 

Interesting. I never noticed they had the same colored walls and floors. Is this a sign? Or just lazy set dressing?

 

Matching bedrooms aside, B&C do not appear to have matching matrimonial plans. Carrie ran straight to her girlfriends to talk about her Big problem. Could she stay with him if she ultimately envisions tying the knot? Samantha explained playground politics (act like you don’t like the boy and then he’ll like you more), while Charlotte waxed poetic about relationships being built on trust. 

I’m inclined to agree with Charlotte, although I do not agree with her choice of footwear. Charlotte, I love you, but you can’t wear those shoes. This is not Working Girl and you are not Melanie Griffith. Please find some sensible flats for your business casual ensemble. 

 

But Miranda had something more important to say: men are almost obsolete. All you need is a Rabbit. As in, the vibrator. Charlotte was obviously intrigued but embarrassed. Either that or she realized that her shoes looked dumb. 

 

After dinner, the girls went to search for their own little bunny. Carrie, looking adorable and innocent in this white cardigan, had total sticker shock in the sex shop. The Rabbit cost $92! 

 

Back at the Briar Patch, Carrie she traded the cardi for a simple men’s tank while she figured out how to use her new furry friend. Judging by her confused countenance, I’m guessing that the instruction manual was in Japanese. Oysuminasai Rabbit! 

 

Fortunately, Samantha called to talk about her night. 

 

Usually when I talk to girlfriends, I like to stay dressed. I guess I’m just a prude. Evidently, Samantha felt this story required a plunging bra and matching undies. Sometimes a burnt orange silk robe is too restrictive. 

 

Ms Jones’ sexiness must have been oozing through the phone – Carrie needed a cigarette and unflattering pajama pants to neutralize the air.

 

But back to Sam’s tale du jour. She and her fabulous jewel tone silk top went on a date with a fellow wedding guest. In the first five minutes of the night, he said  “I’m the kind of guy… I see something. I like it. I go after it.” So, this means he likes red button down shirts from Express with exposed undershirts? Yikes. 

 

Several cosmos later, Samantha discovered her lame-o date kissing another girl. I’m just glad that she got away from the bartender. A black shirt and white tie? Seriously? 

Oh wait. It’s still the 90s, isn’t it?

 

Anyway, Samantha was sneaking out of the restaurant when she buzzed right past The Turtle. He jumped up and invited her to join him for dinner. 

She was not amused by his plaid shirt or his breath. But he was very sweet. “He’s a cute little fixer upper!” Samantha told Carrie. “Sweetheart, he is a man, not a brownstone.”  Is it time to settle for what you can get? 

 

 

The next day, Carrie met up with Brooke, fresh from her honeymoon. I was hoping she’d get her bouncy bangs under control after the wedding but alas, she seems more focused on returning gifts than on hair maintenance. Brooke told Carrie that she happily settled for her husband and feels like a giant weight was lifted from her shoulders. If she could tame her ridiculous bangs I bet she would feel even more carefree. 

 

At first glance, Carrie’s ensemble seems perfect for a weekend shopping expedition. Such a cute plaid cape-like coat, but upon further reflection (and a longer shot), we saw that Carrie took a page from Charlotte’s playbook. She is wearing tennis shoes… like actual athletic shoes that you would wear to the gym. Baaaaaad. 

 

I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and say that perhaps Charlotte and Carrie were wearing said tennis shoes in anticipation of a little physical fitness later in the day. Both ladies look very current and modern in their yoga attire.

 

“I think that I broke my vagina.” And there goes the zen moment. Thanks Char. Maybe you should put the Rabbit away? I’m guessing it’s not just the pink top that’s giving you a healthy glow.

 

Since Charlotte opted for the bunny instead of the ballet, Carrie decided to invite her other bestie as her date. Carrie is totally channeling Audrey Hepburn in Funny Face with her cute hair, royal blue coat, and chic black outfit. And Stanford! Don’t get me started on the fabulous floral button down. Love!

 

Here’s a close up of Carrie’s cute hair. Adorbs.

 

Oh, but Stanny is a little depressed. It seems that he placed a personal ad in hopes of meeting a boyfriend…

 

…and was summarily rejected by a bad man sporting a leather jacket and hoodie. Based on that look alone, I can safely say that you’re too good for him, Stanford!

Nevertheless, he considers throwing in the dating towel and just marrying a woman so he can get his rather hefty inheritance. Who knew that matrimony came with a cash prize? Stanford suggests that he and Carrie get married. He promises to buy her expensive shoes and let her cheat on him. Huh. Not a bad deal.

 

After Charlotte canceled plans again, the future Mrs. Blatch and Miranda staged a bunnitervention. They mean business in their matching black coats. 

 

Sigh. Charlotte hid her Rabbit behind a stuffed rabbit. Oh Char, leave the stuffed animals out of it! At least she’s looking lovely in her silver sage silk robe. So perfect with her coloring.

 

The next day, Carrie and Stanford went to meet Stanny’s grandmother. Clad in an original Chanel suit, she discussed her family and love for her grandson. 

 

Seeing the family pictures on the mantle made Carrie day dream about having children of her own. What a sweet baby. But more importantly, can we talk about the pink Chanel suit? Yes please!

 

Meanwhile, Samantha and the Turtle were out to dinner. He is very focused on his mushrooms and she is very focused on how annoying he is when he is talking about his mushrooms. She wants to date him, but she just can’t, even if he’s in Helmut Lang.

Sam is such a heartbreaker in her metallic bronze halter and warm lipstick color. Both pair perfectly with Samantha’s honey blonde hair.

 

 

Speaking of honey, Carrie decides to tell hers that she wants to get married someday. She says that she can’t date someone who won’t tie the knot. 

 

The wise Big tells Carrie that it is all in the timing (both making tomato sauce and dating). She decides to live in the moment.

Hey, at least he’s not in a button-down from Express. There’s no need to settle for that.