Part 1 of 3: Closeted Affection

So, here’s what you missed on Glee: Rachel questioned Mr Schue’s choreography and totally knocked his confidence, so he formed the Acafellas, an all-male a capella group that has something to do with Josh Groban and Howard Bamboo and then had Finn and Puck instead. The Cheerios try to sabotage the glee club yet again by convincing Mercedes that Kurt is into her when really, he’s as gay as the Fourth of July. They make up, and Quinn decides not to let coach Sue bring her down today. Let’s roll on with the show…

 

I don’t really feel I can praise anything but Rachel’s eyebrows this week, so go Rachel’s eyebrows! As for the rest of her…that lavender blouse is so cute, and you should all thank her for hiding the hot mess of a brightly coloured shag rug waistcoat behind some cute binders.

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If you want someone to take you seriously, don’t dress like a marshmallow. The pink is quite flattering, I’ll admit, but it doesn’t say “wow”. Or “boo”. Or even “hey”.

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Hello there, Morticia. Is there a two for one deal at Funeral Parlour Couture today?

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Rachel picks it up with a chic plaid skirt in the presence of glorious Kurt and his crimson cardigan, whereas Mercedes drops it. “It” is a pair of Teen Mom-esque overalls that turn her curves into lumps and make her look more like a decorater than a diva. Even a pretty blue beret can’t save her.

Tina looks – dare I say it – classy! The side parting and soft waves of her hair are oh so vintage, and the combo of a flouncy cream dress and piped blazer is almost Waldorf-worthy.

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…and all that Waldorf-worthiness goes down the toilet as Tina reverts to basic black and her necklace of keys. Even Rachel can’t help staring at this fashion nightmare.

Rachel herself is doing okay in fuschia and oversized buttons, but there’s nothing exciting about her ensemble. She’s Ohio’s Boring Betty, 2009.

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And this array of sad sacks do nothing for me either. Tina, Finn and even Kurt look drabulous in varying shades of black and grey, while Artie’s forgotten what colour is – again! – and Mercedes has stolen a rain mac from a fifty-four year old tourist. Yuck.

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With Mr Schue back in the picture…can’t say things are much better. Artie’s beige top and bottom make him look like an old man in a onesie, and Kurt is bizarrely dressed like Mr Schue himself, in a brown cardi and shirt and tie. This is not the Hummel I know and love!

Tina gets a weary nod for her yellow scarf and Rachel for matching red argyle and red in her sneakers, but I am so done with these meddling kids and their poor sense of style.

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Speaking of a poor sense of style, Mercedes can be terribly hit and miss. I actually like this outfit, as the same shade of pink runs through her t-shirt and her headscarf and is continued in that gorgeous artsy satchel.

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Another snazzy headscarf, poor jewellery choices – too heavy and too gold, as ever – but some lovely warm makeup, and actually smiling does miracles for this look.

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Mercedes finds out Kurt’s just not that into her and Busts His Windows, and I am thrilled to say she does so fantastically dressed. If you’re fuller figured, all black can give you a sleeker silhouette, but it’s always good to spice it up with colour, as Mercedes does with this awesome fringed jacket.

Very Michael Jackson, very Tina Turner, very hot.

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Mercedes often chooses very harsh colours, and it’s lovely to see her in softer taupes and greens, plus the recurrence of that floral satchel. Way to appear apologetic for smashing your GBF’s windows.

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I wonder how anyone could doubt Kurt’s sexual orientation when he dresses like a high fashion Sergeant Pepper.

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Not to mention that this cream trench coat was to die for, but was clearly intended for a lady. It’s far too clean and well-fitted for a heterosexual man. I admire, adore, worship bowties, so go Kurt, and go Kurt for wearing a green shirt with a contrasting collar. Sartorial genius.

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This is the ‘Kurt dressed as Mr Schuester’ outfit I mentioned earlier, and I don’t like it anymore up close. That is all.

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We end this section on a palate cleanser: the Blandness of Finn Hudson. First, American Eagle Grey:

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Now Barely There Plaid:

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Now Dull as Ditchwater stripes in grey and greyer:

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