Since Glee has started down a path of suckitude, we’ve decided to look back at the days when it ruled. You can expect retro recaps once every few weeks, on Mondays. Enjoy!  – Jen

So here’s what you missed on Glee: former show choir member and current Spanish teacher Will Scheuster takes over McKinley High’s glee club, a place where teenage dirtbags sing and dance and fall in love, kind of like the Island of Misfit Toys with a drum beat. Football coach Ken likes guidance counsellor Emma, who likes Will, who’s married to the crazily mercenary Terri. Cheerleading coach Sue Sylvester just hates everyone. Slushies are thrown and Journey songs trashed. Let’s roll on with the show…

 

Finn Hudson is a perpetually confused quarterback – is he happy, is he sad, is he a sportsman or a singer? He’s basically Zac Efron in High School Musical, only less hot. Finn will always return to one of three norms: a polo shirt, a hoodie…

 

Or a sweatshirt with stripes (he wears another red one this episode)…

 

He occasionally appears naked, rocking out in the shower while Will watches, pondering his ‘talent’. It’s not creepy, I swear – although Will forces Finn to come out of the musical closet by planting weed in his locker, which is creepy. Also illegal.

 

Hungry for fame and hungry for Finn is Miss Rachel Berry, queen bee of the old Glee club and wannabe Barbara Streisand. She wears an awful lot of button downs and some very pretty headbands (observe the Blair Waldorf like beauty atop her head in the second image).

Rachel, being an everywoman social outcast, often gets a slushie thrown in her face. Thank you, Glee, for giving the bullies of America and beyond something creative to do.

 

Rachel also enjoys sweater vests, knee socks, and basically dressing like a conservative Harajuku girl. This bleachers outfit is typical Rachel: lovely contrasting colours in the vest and skirt.

 

But she’s not all sweetness and spice, oh no. Rachel got the former Glee club director thrown out for touching little boys (not true, but getting there), and sometimes she makes bold fashion choices, like this gorgeous pleated green and black houndstooth skirt.

 

Other new Glee club members include Mercedes Jones (the Curvy One with the Pipes), whose fashion choices irk me. A fence printed t-shirt? Over another t-shirt? With a matching plaid hat?

 

Kurt Hummel (the Fabulous but Shrill One) makes statements with his clothing, and the one I’m getting from this ensemble is that he escaped from a prisoner of war camp.

He then stole a car and drove to Levi’s.

Then bought girl’s shoes.

 

Joining them is Tina Cohen-Chang (the Goth One), who kissed a girl and then raided her lock box to make jewellery. She’s like Wednesday Addams crossed with a really angry Avril Lavigne.

 

Along with Artie Abrams (the One in the Chair with Light Up Wheels, how awesome is that?), they make up the New Directions! Let’s get started on some group critique.

Kurt: I enjoy your outfit, and hate those white Michael Jackson gloves as much as you must.

Tina: sweetie, no empire lines for you – especially no Empire lines with an above the knee skirt. You have a waist, stop hiding it beneath a shroud.

Artie: who are you, my father? Add some colour!

Rachel: I’ve literally just come off Gossip Girl rotation, please don’t make me scream at you for wearing white tights. Nobody’s legs look good in white tights.

Mercedes: lose the sweatbands, you’re not a Williams sister. Pink and red do not look good together at the best of times, and those combat trousers need to be burned. Right now.

 

This club is devoid of glee since they hate old timey show tunes. This is evidenced by their pallette of greys and blues – props to Rachel for her purple sweater – miserable expressions – also, that sweater makes Kurt look like a mime – and the fact that Mercedes is trying to make yellow ‘happen’ in her accessories.

It’s not going to happen.

 

It’s not even going to happen if Kurt wears it.

I loathe this outfit, not just because of the icky lemon/beige colour. Translucent vests should never be worn, because a) they show your bra, and b) when your male best friend steals them, they fail to hide the tail end of his tie. Why tuck it in that case?

 

Mercedes does have her moments of coordination, like a marroon shirt with a sparkly shirt underneath and a sparkly head scarf, also with marroon accents. Bad colour, good concept.

 

Finn spurs the club into action when Will is bullied into becoming an accountant by his wife, Terri, who wants a sun nook for their baby on some rubbish. He persuades them to destroy that old classic, Don’t Stop Believin’, because a guy on a lawnmower once sung it to him.

Ok, time for more critique:

Tina: please stop wearing pleated skirts with bare legs and same colour knee socks. In fact, stop wearing so much black, it washes you out.

Kurt: for the love of God, someone explain that sweater to me. What is it…why does it…cerulean is a lovely colour, but that cut makes the poor boy look lumpy and ladylike.

Mercedes: the waistcoat is divine, and I almost don’t mind you matching your shoes and accessories to it. Camoflauge is a no, but military is a very good look for you.

Artie: WEAR SOME COLOUR.

 

In the end, these kooky kids bring it on home in their differently tailored red tops and jeans, promising good things to come. Why? Because all the best teeny boppers do it.