Sweet Falcon Crest dramz, y’all. Winter brings out the best in the Hamptons elite as far as I’m concerned. Forget passive aggression, now it’s like a real life game of Clue – I was seriously expecting someone to get clubbed with a candlestick in the Grayson’s Conservatory. The big news is that Daniel is out of prison and in way over his head with Daddy’s widdle secrets. Charlotte got busted for prescription drug use at school (no thanks to Declan) and can’t seem to let go of the whole “being David Clarke’s daughter” thing. I noticed this week that Jack is flying fast and loose with the info about being on the beach when Tyler was shot. That’s fine and all but just to be clear, the case doesn’t “close” just because Daniel’s set free. They could still frame you, you big, dumb handsome slab of handsome. All that said, I think my favourite moments from this week were Emily getting back to her sleuth-y Revenge (!!!) roots. I love a half-assed costumed caper! Oh, and of course Nolan’s “dead” aunt pulling a shotgun. That was just hilarious.

 

So, Charlotte… let’s talk. Your school uniform is not by choice. I get that. But what overpriced private school can’t match a skirt to a wine-coloured vest? There are so many more plaids to choose from, yet they went with one that’s predominantly blue? Burgundy is one of the easiest colours to complement. Seriously. You got hosed, girl. 

 

At least her own personal wardrobe is bangin’. This. Dress. For. Reals. Dark grey and almost tweedy? Cinched with a skinny black leather belt? Sure, it kind of looks like you’re covered in asbestos… but it’s a fine looking asbestos. I wonder why Charlotte never really curls her hair? It’s just like Victoria’s – straight with a little volume on the ends. It’s winter girl, try pumping that ‘do up.

 

Say what you will about the Grayson women, they sure know how to dress for bed. I have to be honest – I totally want Charlotte’s grey silk robe. Not for the floral patterns. Just because it’s hard to find a nice grey silk these days. Victoria’s lacey number… well… it’s cute?

 

But wait… is Victoria’s lace garment actually meant for daylight and the general public? Oh yes, friends. Girlfriend wears it proudly as her son is interviewed by a primetime investigative journalist. If your family is on the verge of a federal investigation and you’d prefer to wear something lacey and backless over a smart, conservative pant suit, we’ve got the look for you.

   

 

And you know what?

 

OK, we’re used to Queen Vic strutting about in body wraps that pass for dresses, but that revealing little number is just one step beyond werking it. Because I seriously feel like you’re working hard to pull it off. You are not on your way to an after party for the 40+ crowd at Coachella. You’re trying to look warm and friendly so the public doesn’t turn on your family who is at the centre of a full scale federal investigation. I mean, whatever happened to this look?

 

Victoria wore one accessory this week that made me windmill snap – and it was these purple leather gloves. Because DAMN SON.

 

Chuck knows what I’m talking about.

 

Aside from dressing like a future Rihanna trying to recapture her youth, Queen Vic also managed to ruin Ashley’s life this week! Poor little British crumpet thought she had a sweet media relations job lined up with the Grayson family lawyer. Here’s Ashley looking so seriously amazing in an emerald dress with her signature gold bracelet that could take down at least one security guard.

 

And here’s Ashley looking cute and hopeful in this black (possibly) velvet top with a sheer collar that’s a sheer throwback to early 90s formal wear. I swear I saw Alexa Chung wear this six months ago. But whatever, Ashley’s all, “I’m leaving this labyrinth of crazy bitches to start a new life”.

 

And here’s Ashley scowling on her iPad after getting fired from her media relations job because Victoria’s reference was that she was “a little tricky”. Seriously ouch times.

 

Of course, every cloud has a silver lining. In this case, it came in the form of silver daddy Conrad who gave Ashley a new silver Lexus in exchange for working at Grayson Global. Girl was clearly desperate and took it. Here’s a thought Ash: if the ex-wife of the man who just hired you could wipe out your future by snapping her fingers, wouldn’t you be a little wary of him? Nope? Alright, well you look fantastic in this rare H to T shot. A patterned skirt and a long trench? Girl, you crazy.