So here’s what you missed on Glee:

Rachel and Kurt finally audition for the New York Academy of Dramatic Art (NYADA). Kurt kills it in gold lamé pants, Rachel blows the audition of her life, and I find myself genuinely feeling sorry for Ms. Berry. You know how they say you want something so much you hang onto it too tightly and it slips away? Yes, that to her. Puck may not graduate. I wonder if this plot point was put in so that the show would lose as few cast members as possible? The shocker of the week was that Coach Beiste is a victim of domestic abuse. As a legal aid lawyer who has represented battered women, I can attest that this crap goes on everywhere. I’m really hoping Glee has the guts to follow through with this very dramatic shift in tone and follow Beiste’s journey. She’s got a long and possibly dark road ahead of her…

Now onto the rest of the show.

 

Rachel’s Melodramatic Solo of the Week:
My actor friends tell me that auditions are a tough thing, no matter how many you go to. Rachel, to my utter disbelief, absolutely choked. She didn’t even get a full melodramatic solo, just half a minute of a song she screwed up all the words to. The kid bent under the pressure, yet you know she’d successfully sing for her life if she was kidnapped by a crew of Somali pirates who demand she exchange the rubles they got from robbing that Russian cruise ship into American dollars so they could hit the outlet shops in Honolulu.

Poor Rachel…she’s so uncomfortable. That dress seems to constrict her and get in her way. Yes, it’s pretty, and she always wears these very proper dresses like she’s always waiting to get engaged (and even then her own engagement outfit was from the leftover bin at Dress Barn), but it’s not right. This is what one wears to a funeral. Say, the death of a dream.

Time for her to start on the community theater circuit. Even Barbra Streisand got her start waiting on tables at a Chinese restaurant by day and singing in gay bathhouses at night. Are there any of the latter in Lima, Ohio? Rachel better start researching, and also waiting tables at Hunan Palace at the same time.

 

Brittany Bon Mots:
None to speak of, unless Heather Morris delivered it in her trademark half-whispery delivery and I missed it. But she looks like Britney Spears circa 2002 in this getup for the “Cell Block Tango”.

This was what the pre-K Fed Britney Spears looked like: taut, fit, dancing in time with the rest of the crew, and commanding a stage. Seeing Brittany hearken back to classic Britney (I just hurt myself typing that) makes my heart break a little for the fallen pop star. Damn, this was an emotional episode.

 

How Sue Sees It:
I’m actually very, very happy that Sue has gotten softer, because now it has purpose. I can’t wait for the day she goes up to Beiste’s no-good husband, lifts him in the air and makes mincemeat out of him, and then gives him the tongue-lashing of a life that will send him screaming out of town and into a pack of wolves who will happily castrate him and serve up justice. I want Sue to go Titus Andronicus on him.

 

And I imagine this is how she would look like delivering the line. Perhaps not in teal, though. I’m thinking this is a time for a blood-red tracksuit, or perhaps even black-on-black. Does Adidas make that?

 

Outfit(s) of the Week:
This week’s first winner is Kurt Hummel, or as he will soon be subtitled: “Broadway Bound”.

The shirt may not be a challenge to find, but the trousers certainly are. The man is wearing SOLID GOLD JEANS. This is the only time all year that I’ve seen Kurt dressed relatively conservatively, yet put a spin on the look that he completely owns. Plus, he absolutely knocked it out of the park on the number. I’m guessing poor Rachel took one look at the pants and was temporarily blinded, which was how she forgot the words to her song.

 

I’m also giving this week’s other winner to Rachel, because I feel bad for her. Also, this cute dress reminded me of the Rorsarch-inspired number that Mondo Guerrero used on the all-star cycle for Project Runway.

   

Looking back at it now, it’s a bit like bizarro Rachel: it’s her usual silhouette, but the outfit was not cutesy. In fact, it’s downright disturbing right now in hindsight. But it’s still the closest thing she’s ever worn that could be classified as couture.

 

Guest Star of the Week:
I must give a shout out to guest star Whoopi Goldberg, still dressed as Oda Mae Brown. I remember Whoopi on 30 Rock saying she does have a legit EGOT (she claims a Daytime Emmy Award counts).

This episode was a roller coaster, but in the end I wondered three things:
a) if Whoopi’s Glee guest spot is her way of trying to get a Primetime Emmy to stick it to Tracy Jordan
b) how many people in suburban Ohio saw this New Yorker walking around, and thought for sure she ain’t from these here parts
c) if the art installation on her head turns into the Cheshire Cat.