In an attempt to not have to put next month’s rent in the proverbial swear jar, we’ll keep this short. Not sweet, though. Mr. Schuester and Rachel have enough sap and goody-two-shoesiness between them I’m surprised we don’t have toothaches or diabetes…except, who would mind a toothache if Emma’s ex, Carl, was your dentist? That’s what I thought. Bring on the cookies.  So…ugh, all right…three of the New Directions seem to have squat direction, but what else is new? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Especially given the song selection is a throwback to disco. Mercedes wants to be famous (who doesn’t?), Brittany posts a sex tape of Santana (let’s be serious, that was a long time coming), and Finn comes within a hairsbreadth of having a complete meltdown. Is this a retro episode I’m covering? See, nothing new. Oh, except Finn threw Rachel and the 7 other people watching Glee for a huge loop when he announced it’s been his lifelong dream to become an actor. Well, unlike their 7pm CDT time slot, that’s awfully convenient. And sort of delusional, don’t you think?

 

Rachel’s Melodramatic Solo of the Week:

As a child that grew up with a disco-loving mother, I don’t totally hate the Bee Gees and I actually really like “How Deep Is Your Love.”  Not crazy with what Rachel did to it, but I imagine she needed to really hammer it into Finn’s head how much she loved him, so she took that ballad and went to town.

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Unlike her singing and facial expressions, her dress is much more sedated. I like polka dots as much as the next gal (I’m wearing them right now!), but the whole thing is underwhelming.  A colored belt, shoes, or even that Godforsaken red beret she used to wear would’ve added something.  Gone are the cherished days of Rachel Berry pastel knee socks, argyle skirts, and cableknit cardigans (worn all at the same time, of course) and in its wake is Stepford Berry.

 

Brittany Bon Mots:

“It’s a bull testicle.  I drove all the way to Spencerville to get it.  They came in a pair but I got hungry on the way home, so…it takes just like a chicken testicle.”

B-T-dubs…W-T-eff is going on with her hair?  She went to Lord Timmington for a haircut, didn’t she?

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How Sue Sees It:

“Let’s be honest, William.  You’ve been out of ideas since Madonna week.”  

Her solution to the lost souls of New Directions?  A good old, smack-down competition.  Cue the cheesy dance-off, redonk LED dance floor that she just happened to have on hand, and a fight to the death (of their dignities) for a handcrafted polyester suit.  

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Track Suit Sightings: 4

 

Outfit(s) of the Week (feat. Song of the Night)

Best outfit AND best song of the night has to go to one Mercedes Jones.  She was a total powerhouse belting out “Disco Inferno” and she killed it in that red wrap dress.  I loved the ultra feminine ruffles lining the neckline and seam–she should do girly looks more often–and bless her heart, nary a lip print shirt, lip necklace, or some sort of oral-centric accessory in sight.  Plus, it fit her like a glove (and as we all know, fit is everything.  As Bethenny Frankel put it, she’d get her underwear tailored if she could) and the gold platforms and accessories added that touch of disco glam chic. 

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In what I found to be a way random plot, Wade from Vocal Adrenaline looks for advice from Kurt and Mercedes on whether or not he should perform at their next competition as himself or Unique, his true-self/mini-Andre Leon Talley, complete with a dress and heels. At Sue’s gentle urging, they give him the green light but eventually repent as all us goody two-shoes are wont to do. Of course, it’s too late and Unique makes her debut in a mini flapper dress and Janet Reno-sized glittery platforms.

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I’ve got to say, though…he is one pretty lady. The bob-cut wig was super flattering and it seriously took me a minute to realize that it was Wade up there.

 

I thought Kurt was especially well put together this episode.  Sometimes he can be a little out there with his choices, but I’ll give him this–he’s always interesting.  Take this Sound of Music inspired ensemble.  I’m usually not one for buttoning a shirt at the neck unless a tie or neckerchief is involved, but Porcelain makes it work.  I wonder if there’s lederhosen somewhere down there beyond the screen shot…

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The whole matchy-matchy situation Kurt’s got going on here was a bit much for the eyes at first glance, but upon further study (as interesting–not boring–outfits often encourage) it grew on me.  Who else but Kurt Hummel would have the stones to wear this, and who else but KH could pull it off?  As much as I adore Blaine’s retro, if-Mad-Men-took-place-in-high-school style, he wouldn’t be able to kill this look as well as his man.  Besides, it looks like it came off the From Scotland With Love catwalk.  Gotta love that.  

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Rachel’s hair was getting about as boring as her wardrobe so this loose curls, side part, and swept back bangs affair we’ve got going on here is a much needed refresher.  Now that she’s got her hair out of her eyes, maybe she’ll see that marrying Finn (and the center part) is possibly the biggest mistake ever.    

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Who on earth, one may wonder, can make a black and white polyester suit, gold chain, slicked back hair, and a fog machine look so good?  

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Blaine Anderson.  That’s it.  Finn can say he’s Tony Manero until he’s blue in the face, but he needs to put that flannel back on because Blaine totally nails it.  I know it’s a costume, but I don’t care…a tailored suit is a tailored suit and that’s all the truth you need in life.