After discovering that her marriage to Prince Louis is a fairytale in theory but a nightmare in reality, Blair goes full-on Runaway Bride and flees her own reception with Dan riding shotgun.  Serena and Chuck begin to search for her, as do Princess Sophie and the nefarious, heartless Louis.  Blair’s first stop on the getaway train is JFK–she intends to make like Elizabeth Taylor and petition for divorce in Santa Domingo.  Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Sophie puts the thumbscrews on Eleanor and threatens to re-activate the dowry that was initially waived in the prenup.  There must be a pretty steep price on Blair’s head, because even Eleanor goes a little white when she hears this new development.  Georgina has also entered the hunt for Blair, locking up Dorota (but with snacks!), and she follows Chuck and Serena to the airport hotel where Blair and Dan are camping out.  Blair accuses Serena of ruining her life (again) and Georgina has just enough time to snap an incriminating picture (again) before Princess Sophie turns up and demands Blair leave with her.  To everyone’s dismay, Blair agrees and pulls her own Kim Kardashian, posing for pictures with Louis as they leave on their loveless honeymoon.  Nate changes his mind about his date with Lola, who then changes her mind about him.  Would these two just get on with it already?  We all know that Nate can’t resist any blonde within a fifty mile radius and Lola, while claiming otherwise, can’t deny her DNA was specifically created to date Nate Archibalds.

 

 

While running around like chickens with their heads cut off, every single character apparently forgot they were supposed to get at least two costume changes per episode.  A shocking breach of contract, I know, but we’ll do what we can to break down the outerwear disasters and of course, dear Princess Blair’s foray into airport gift shops.

Poor Blair.  Not only was she sporting beachy waves that were more Jersey Shore than Palm Springs at her wedding, she’s forced into tourist castoffs from an airport mini mall.

And dare I remind her that leggings are not pants?

Dan, her partner in crime, hardly looks any better, and he’s still wearing most of the pieces he had on at the wedding.

Someone must have missed their costume fitting because this is just hanging on Dan like a sack.  It’s called tailoring, people.  Get with the program.

I was also particularly gratified to hear Blair finally say something about the atrocious mop head that is growing on Dan’s head.  Get that dead animal cut, ASAP.

 

Serena’s lace trench was a little hot mess, but just chic enough for her to pull off.  If she wasn’t sporting young Bridgitte Bardot hair and makeup, she might not have been able to manage, but thankfully she thought ahead and packed plenty of bump-its.

 

Chuck, as always, looks dapper in his tan greatcoat.  Not quite dapper enough to win back the Princess for himself, but we give him high marks for the attempt.

The pocket square is just right distraction from his angsty expression.

Lily returns from the wedding complaining about how much her feet hurt.  Really?  She is born and bred Trophy Wife material.  Didn’t she learn to run a marathon in heels?

Those genes must be temporarily missing, along with the brain cells that would have told her this woven coat was an idea best left to a departed Vanessa Abrams.  Give it back, dear, Vanessa will probably need it in the wilds of Spain.

As for her niece, the mysterious Lola Rhodes–she’s got the genes in spades.

She waited tables in those heels–Lily needs to take a lesson from her.  Plus, she wears her cater-waiter uniform with such chic flair.  Remember how shabby Dan looked in his cater-waiter uniform?

Lola even outshines Princess Sophie, who’s in serious need of both an attitude and an outerwear adjustment.

Pairing this wine satin tuxedo jacket with her olive green gown is not right.  We’re not at a Tuscan farm, ready to partake in a tasting.  The dress in itself was bad enough, but that’s just throwing fuel on the fire.

 

As for his son, he’s ready for his honeymoon (enemymoon?), and dons just the right ensemble.

His pompadour hair, the open collar, the pinstriping on his shirt and the used car salesman vest?  Louis is showing his true colors now, folks.  What a tool.

As for his lost wife, Princess Blair finally agrees to continue with the nightmarish marriage.  After all, what can be more of a nightmare than having to wear your honeymoon clothes that were fitted while you were pregnant, after you’ve lost your child?

There is no other explanation for why this is so ill-fitted on her.  It’s a pretty enough dress, with the sculptural sleeves and the lovely dove gray color, but it hangs on her like a bag.

 

I’m not entirely sure how I feel about this hat phase.  If headpieces of any kind are royal, why couldn’t Blair just stick to headbands?

This navy blue sequinned montrosity looks cheap and tacky and she’s too good for it. Kind of like that loser on her arm.

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