Here’s what you missed on Glee: Sam and Mercedes are still thinking about their summer lovin’, but she’s got that football player whose name I can’t remember. Becky sets her sights on Artie, who learns a valuable lesson about his friends being jerks when they try to talk him out of dating her. It doesn’t work out, but that’s okay, Becky’s got Helen Mirren for a voiceover and Sue to eat ice cream and watch Lifetime movies with. Emma wants to get married and Will is thisclose to being persuaded by her horrible parents not to propose. In the end, he changes his mind and gets New Directions to do most of the work on his proposal. Finn’s considering the army and proposing to Rachel while they’re still in high school. Because legally binding marriage vows are always the way to deal with your teenage insecurities about the future (or lack thereof). And that’s what you missed on Glee!

 

Welcome back, Gleeks! It’s been awhile since the Christmas episode was Very Special and removed us from the narrative arc of the season, which is just another ride to sectionals. Despite the drama, it appears that Mercedes is back and in her element, as her first leopard-print coat and “Foxy” (as in Brown?) necklace shows us that this girl is ready to spill the beans in a Glee version of I Know Who You Did Last Summer.

 

Hey, isn’t it snowing in Ohio in mid-January? Why is no one bundled up? Because it can’t work with the Grease intro, that’s why. Honestly, why do we still care about Grease? Will we feel the same way about Clueless in ten years’ time or Bring It On by 2015? Glee producers: please stop with the obvious, safe music selections and perhaps swap this with something more imaginative, like say Bjork’s “Violently Happy”. I mean, both songs convey essentially the same meaning, right? Right? (Or not).

Clearly, New Directions is intent on recreating all the magic of that movie because they even did an “homage” to the original production number in the play. I mean, seriously, is this musical – and I admit that I HATE GREASE AND I WANT IT TO DIE – just going to follow me to the grave??? Why don’t more high schools do something simpler for their annual school musical, like Wagner’s Ring Cycle? (Note to producers: please don’t take this idea and turn it into reality unless you’re going to cut YKYLF a minimum 25% finder’s fee for my brilliant idea.)

 

I normally don’t really give a fat turd about Sue’s minions, but Becky’s inner monologue is delivered by HELEN MIRREN. For this, I may forgive Glee for inflicting Grease on us. And for never giving Becky an outfit to wear other than the Cheerio uniform.

So yeah, Becky’s on the prowl and decides to make Arty her soul mate. Or something.

PS: Bonus points to Becky for co-opting the gay term “rice queen” and applying it to herself to dismiss Mike Chang as a potential mate, and extra points for having Dame Helen deliver it like a proud grandma who’s just picked up her first issue of Out magazine.

 

I absolutely love the Irish potato-faced lad’s outfit. Every detail works and is actually part of my own wardrobe, which means that unlike most of the outfits on this show, it’s something that real people might actually wear.

The vest that’s ran away from his dad’s late-80s wedding suit (thoughtfully unbuttoned at the bottom), the newsboy cap, the rolled-up sleeves, the bitchin’ belt buckle and dark jeans, the watch with a strap so big it might as well be a bitchin’ leather cuff all its own … it’s workin’. Midwestern boys, this is the fashion statement you want to emulate to be cool but not make everyone think you’re playing on Blaine and Kurt’s team.

 

Switching gears and setting up for the rest of the episode, Emma schools us all on mixing patterns: take one bold print like the leafy top and pair it with a skirt colour that is just a shade away from one of the base colours, in a less obvious print. Top it all off with a bit bow and it’s adorable. Plus, the Judy Jetson-style lunch box is sending me over the edge.

 

Speaking of matching prints, I wonder if Sugar’s outfit was once sold together with Mercedes’s coat? They appear to have come from the same retired stripper’s closet.

 

Behold, Sam, burner of many lady parts and gay parts. My only complaint is that on American TV, all of the men’s underwear and swimwear are board shorts, while in Europe they actually dress like they’re competitive, i.e. in Speedos.

It’s like extra-large displays of text messages on cell phones. IT ONLY HAPPENS ON TV. I’d like to know if there’s some morality clause stating men are not allowed in any body-hugging undies or swimwear?

 

Thankfully, we have the arrival of a fierce new synchro-swim coach, Roz Washington, who I will swimfan love forever because of her matching outfit and SHE’S WEARING AN OLYMPIC MEDAL AS AN ACCESSORY.  I am still looking to find the perfect chocolate coin to add to my souvenir lanyards and parade around with my memorabilia in town every time I take tourists to visit the Olympic flame in Vancouver.

 

While Sam is mocked for being in synchro and in glee club, no one makes any comments about the black-red-matching-tie-to-T-shirt combo the men are sporting here. In the most recent Project Runway: All Stars, Badgely and Mischka savaged a contestant from combining the two colours, and while I didn’t agree with them at the time, I agree with them now. The ties look like a lazy accessory in an attempt to look metro, but the execution is extremely poor. 

Plus, why are they now karaoke-ing to “Moves Like Jagger”? Every time I hear that song I think of Patsy on Absolutely Fabulous (which has just returned, yeay!!!!) referring to Mick as “an old scrotum with a pair of lips attached”.

 

In the lead-up to the grand proposal, I note that Rachel has been largely absent in the first third of the episode. Thankfully, they have her return with a clipboard and a predictably “Rachel” outfit. She has yet to look into pants. I am wondering if an allergy to trousers is what binds Lea Michele and Lady Gaga together.

 

The ladies’ stripped-down version of “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face”, was quite possibly the best Roberta Flack cover since the Fugees and the awesome butchery of “Killing Me Softly” in About a Boy.

Retreating briefly to the ladies’ room to deal with an emotional Mercedes, coming to terms with her old feelings for trouty-lipped Sam, they are tastefully if unremarkably dressed, except for Rachel, who wears the most amazing bodice atop her dress. It’s cut the right way, it doesn’t look try-hard, and it’s still elegant. Best dressed of the week so far, clearly.

 

Emma’s hateful parents, meanwhile, make some remark about being “allowed Christmas” by “Comrade Obama”. And to prove their loyalty to Christmas, they match their ginger hair with green sweaters.

The fact that it’s now mid-January and even the Russians are done with their two-weeks-later Orthodox Christmas and just shows you how backwards and hateful the Pillsburys are. (And if they ever meet me, a Commie-loving homo, I can only say to them: ах ты сучка. Look it up.)

Plot point question: why would Will ask Emma’s parents for her hand in marriage? Didn’t we establish that they are ginger supremacists and are actually racists? Why would he want THEIR approval? Is this making sense?

 

Oh no I won’t say that, because look at the gorgeous outfit on Emma. She’s really hitting it out of the park on a regular basis. Having a touch of print to the gloves is a thoughtful surprise and doesn’t detract away from the sweater and blouse.

Even though I’ve now concluded that the entire wardrobe of The Help was directly inspired by Emma, I must say that the character is comparable to a lovely flower, specifically, a beautiful flower that grew out of a pot of dirt and fertilized within an inch of its life. (“ах ты сучка” now applies to me.)

 

Remember when I mentioned how Rory dresses with style that isn’t over-the-top? Case in point: Kurt, sporting what appears to be part of a fireplace tongs deconstructed and reconstructed as support for his tie. I’m not sure what I’m looking at: is it a chain like the one Nicole Kidman wore in sexual slavery in Dogville? Are they wing-tipped shoes that Kurt hasn’t finished bronzing yet? Oh I give up. Damn you, Kurt, your accessory has confounded me! Helen Mirren, where are you????

 

Even Arty’s confounded. Look at him. And the man’s wearing a Cosby sweater.

 

The stress is getting to Emma, too. I mean, just look at her in her matching outfit with sweater set and Day-Glo gloves that make her look like a perpetual kindergarten teacher.

Ryan Murphy mentioned there would be no Glee spin-off, but what I’d like to now see is a time-travel version where Emma gets sucked into 1960s Mississippi, in a dream crossover between Glee and The Help. If anyone from Fox is reading this, I have now given you two grand ideas on how to improve Glee. Please look into them and call me so we can discuss royalties.

 

We now come to the epic proposal involving a big, literally splashy production number. But before the big finish, I bring you this shot of singular proof that Glee has jumped the shark: Sue Sylvester is being lovely and decent and taking part in the production number to bring Will and Emma together. What’s next?

Santana the wonder lesbian is sporting an old-fashioned swimsuit. That’s what’s next. We live in dark times. Although, she does look amazing. Plus, with an Evita pose like that, it’s no wonder she got to sing the Rita Moreno part in the amazing production of West Side Story.

 

Just in case you were wondering if Glee remains the gayest show on TV, look no further than Mr. Schue dressed as Tommy Tune. Plus, the whole venture is a recreation of Ethel Merman’s outlandish 1930s musical numbers.

It’s certainly big and creative, but the musical selection has sucked to date. Quite frankly, if someone proposes to me to a Rihanna song, I’d sooner say yes if he sang “Rude Boy” rather than to “We Found Love”.

 

And finally we have Finn’s shocking proposal to Rachel. He states that he’s a big fat zero, he claims that his life is going nowhere, and he knows Rachel will turn out pretty spectacularly. If I were Rachel, I’d say “thanks, but you just told me how you’re going to suck, so if I’m ever going to get me a Tony Award and a record deal, I don’t want you hanging around while I go around the world being totally awesome”.

Plus, Rachel’s dress is a bit blah. You know she’d want to be proposed to while wearing a better dress. And a musical number to go with said proposal. Girlfriend likes to plan for these things. You don’t just surprise her with a ring after class.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I am off to find Helen Mirren and ask her if she’d like to do voiceovers in my head on occasion.