This week on Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead  Devil Wears Prada  Jane by Design, India wants to make nice with Gray and Jane, but oddly enough they don’t trust her. So she decides to get revenge on Jane by sending the exclusive trunk show invites to a gang of punk rock fans. Gray is off the Skype and in the office (mostly). She also has a Beau – literally! – who may be her nemesis, or her husband. She’s also got herself a Zoolander. Billy is sticking to his guns with Lulu and absence is making her heart grow fonder. Jane gets a Birkin for a job well done. She also gets a laundry list of to-dos that includes the laundry, organizing an exclusive trunk show (did we mention it’s exclusive?) and break up with Zoolander. Things don’t go quite as planned and she loses the lovely bag. But she’s got bigger problems than a purse: she’s tied for first in class with a bitchtastic Lulu and her brother is teaching sex ed at her school. Billy is going to want to save the news that he’s kissing Lulu.

 

Oh Jane, I’m still not sure how you’re doing it. I can barely manage a blog and a full-time job, let alone a job, high school and the commute into the city. But somehow, you still look super cute.

 

Kiddo, that dress is to maim for. And I love that you keep it from getting too cutesy by adding the black belt and the blazer. Next to Gray in her charcoal Career Gal sheath dress, you’re a breath of fresh air. And I’m in full on agreement with Gray about your bag.

Jane, sweeite, not everything in the second hand stores is vintage or cool. We all learn that the hard way. Sadly, you’re learning that by carrying the purse of someone’s dead nana. Did it still have tissues, hard candy and canasta money in it?

 

Gray’s solution to your bag woes may be the worst.

 

Oh. No. NO! Gray, you do not give your ostrich Birkin to your assistant to borrow. That’s worth more than you pay her! She could quit and sell it to pay the mortgage on her house. And then where would you be? Back on the waiting list behind Victoria Beckham and well in front of the rest of us to get a new one. That’s where.

 

Honestly, when she smelled the Birkin, that’s when you should have taken it away. Because if you had, then we could have avoided this:

 

Someone needs to tell Jane that being a Birkin doesn’t mean it goes with EVERYTHING. We still need to pause, take in it’s orangeyness, and then coordinate appropriately. And not with skirts that appear to be made of fringes either. Something along the lines of this will do just fine.

Clearly she’s a motherless child, because her late dad and goofy bro didn’t teach her how to carry a purse, that’s for sure. However, she did figure some things out. Like the colour blocked dress in colours that complement the bag? Fantastique! As George from My Best Friend’s Wedding might say: Love the bag! Love the hair! Love the dress! Love the giant accessories!

 

He would not love the shoes. But that’s because with that bag? Well, that’s where you lost me kitten.

Maybe with the dress they were a bold, fashion forward statemnt. But with the orange bag? Oh no. nonononono. You’re making the poor Birkin cry, Jane. (p.s. how do you run in those heels? Have you been practicing since childhood? Did you start in stilettos at seven? Please, tell me your secret…because I still can’t walk without a wobble in a heel over 4″.

 

Glaring Jane down for much of the episode is, of course, India Bitchface Jourdain. 

 

If that’s not legally her middle name, it should be. Although, India let me down hard this episode. Instead of dressing like the Evil Villainess that she is, she dressed like…well, like she was headed to yoga.

That is to say, if one went to yoga in platform stilettos (not pictured), giant earrings and had really fantastic hair. Which is how we all accessorize for yoga, right?

 

We learned a few things about India today. Like, somewhere, deep deep down inside, she is a little bit vulnerable and really does look up to Gray, that she’s still a beginner at revenge (!!!) and that when there’s party people in the house, India knows how to cut a rug.

 

She’s double fisting while you empty, Jane. Good thing you’ve got Billy to rush into the city in what must be a magical car. I mean, I’ve never actually tried to drive in NYC, but considering it takes me 20 minutes to drive the length of my Central Park sized city, I’m not sure how he drove in and helped you clean in under an hour. That’s okay! Because he’s downright adorbs!

 

Aw Jane, why you no tap that already? Your obsession with bland old Nick is baffling when you’ve got this fellow at your beck and call. AND wearing a jaunty chapeau. Bitch, I cannot wait for the episode where you realize you’re butt crazy in love with  Billy. Even if his trompe l’oeil t-shirts are so three years ago, he’s the real catch.

I mean, any dude who will drive you everywhere, tell everyone how smart and beautiful you are, and will deal with this much embarrassment from your poorly dressed brother? He’s a keeper – and not just a BFF.

 

Speaking of your brother. Is he auditioning for a community theatre production of Dead Poets Society? No?

 

Then maybe he should ditch the lame tie and corduroy jacket on his less than triumphant return to high school. And break it to him gently when you say y’all can’t be the three amigos at school. In fact, he’s going to have to walk a few steps ahead of you once you get out of the car. Because you’ve already got a raw deal at school. Especially with Lulu’s nouveau Heathers chic happening.

I bet she totally has after school croquet games and paté.

 

When she’s not doing the full on Heathers (although, with much much shorter skirts. Maybe she just came from tennis?), her and her Generic Mean Girl declared Wednesdays to be Equestrian Day.

 

Being head Mean Girl, Lulu does it better. Because she wears the hell out of that pink Smythe jacket. Too bad she didn’t have a cuter bag to go with it.

Then again, I guess she’s more focused on how to use her purse as a weapon.

 

Back in the city, it’s all vests, all the time. It’s like Jeremy figures he needs to wear the the vest to prove he’s British and fancy.

But here’s the thing Vesty. You really don’t need to wear only vests. Your accent does it. Even if you’re not actually fancy, all of us on the other side of the pond will assume you are because you have a fancy accent.

And you certainly don’t need this neckwear.

Is it an ascot? Is it a bow-tie you decided not to tie up? I don’t understand!

I’d normally take this time to point out how Carter is showing the men of the world how you do a casual cable knit sweater right. I would. I’d probably cc Rufus Humphrey on that note.

 

But I can’t. Because earlier in the episode, he too was guilty of the vest.

Et tu Carter? Vesty is having a horrible influence on you.

 

At least his alternative to the vest is a treat for all the viewers.

 I’m going to let it slide that India has gunmetal grey satin sheets and a grey satin headboard. Let’s talk about vests again. Because he’s even designing them for the exclusive trunk show guests. Who hopefully take some style pointers from their new friends and ditch the vest before it’s too late.

 

Speaking of that trunk show…Gray really should have let Jane keep the Birkin. Because she probably got excellent feedback from the guests about that party – and I don’t think it had anything to do with the champagne and canapés.

 

Then again, Gray’s got 99 problems and dudes are at least two of them. First there is the dashing possible husband Beau.

I bet he’d look good alongside the impeccably dressed Gray.

I’m not actually sure how she keeps her boobs inside that first dress. There must be some kind of miracle bra or tape that does it.

 

Gray’s other problem is Zoolander Brad.

Yeah, pretty boy here is a male model. He likes to chill out without a shirt on, drink a glass of vino with his other Zoolander buddies.

 

Sadly, he isn’t the shiniest coin in the fountain. Solution to Jane breaking up with him on behalf of Gray? More gratuitous male shirtlessness, accessorized with a bed of roses. Literally.

Poor male model. He just didn’t realize that he was little more than an accessory for Gray.