After a very booze-soaked holiday (just me?), REVENGE(!!!) is back! The second half of Season One kicked off with Crazy Pants Tyler pulling some serious Fatal Attraction shit. If these people ate, I would have expected to see a bunny boiling on the range. Emily and Nolan are back on friendly terms, Daniel falls more and more pathetically in love, Victoria and Conrad trade insults like two drunk drag queens, and shifty eyes as they meet Amanda Clarke (who’s actually Emily Thorne), while the real Amanda Clarke (who’s playing Emily Thorne) watches with delight. Oh, and everyone forgets that Ashley was sleeping with a murderous psychotic. She’ll be fine, she’s English – stiff upper lip and all that rot, you know.

 

BOOM. Now this is how you start an episode. What’s that producing team? You knew everyone was craving some serious REVENGE(!!!) action after the holidays? And you knew everyone hated Crazy Pants Tyler? Fantastic. Nothing says a Hamptons Clambake like staring down the barrel of a gun.

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Speaking of clambakes, I’ve been to one or two, and they did not have fresh linens, a lavishly decorated tent, or real glasses. But hey, I’m just a reasonably stylish, metropolitan gay man who works in the creative industry. What do I know?

 

Alright readers, I pose a challenge to you: tell me who creates Daniel’s polos. He clearly has the entire colour range, and I’ve been searching since I saw him wear a lighter blue in previous episodes. Does anyone else pull that trick? Buying multiple items in different colours? Something tells me Daniel just recently started shopping for himself and that his repetitious wardrobe is the result of Victoria dressing her little boy as the poster child for High Hamptons Society. But he sure knows how to fill out a polo, girl. 

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You devilish minx, look at you getting all made up before greeting the day. Fabulous. Yes, keep smiling, you are the prettiest girl in Grayson Manor. I can’t say I’m crazy about the embellishment around Victoria’s neck for the white sweater, but DAMN if she doesn’t look sexy in that disco ball inspired dress. The real victory for her this week is not duping Connie into giving her half of the Grayson fortune – it’s wearing those platform heels on beachfront property. Some labourers wear steel-toed boots, but Victoria Grayson wears heels that break ankles.

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Sidebar: can we talk about Conrad’s lawyer? Ferocious. I love her dress, I love the colour, and I’m especially taken with bow that’s not really there. I had to keep staring at this one, but the shoulder knot turns this toga wrap into one of those 3D puzzles – keep staring and you’ll find the bear!

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OK, so Ashley is played by real life fashion lover, Ashley Madekwe, and every damn week they barely show a full H to T shot of this lovely lady. WTF, ABC? I would have loved to see the aqua micro-mini she’s rocking in this scene but all I can muster a glimpse between a kitchen chair? Hells nah, son. If you read IRL Ashley’s blog, you’ll notice that her own personal style has crept into this character more and more, going from sassy PR maven to sultry industrial design enthusiast. Just look at those bracelets and bangles – I bet she listened to The Smiths in high school. 

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Oh look, J.Crew birthed another blonde-haired, blue eyed lady who probably pretends to enjoy gardening! Come on Emily… short pants? I know it’s the summer but you can do so much better. It’s not like this outfit is awful – it’s actually simple and stylish – but your daywear is nothing compared to you evening attire. I suppose I can’t judge her, I wouldn’t want to slip into a form fitting dress that shows off my killer body every day. Actually, I would, who are we kidding?

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I’d like to title this photo, “Portrait of a Crazy Pants”. So, enough with the suits dude. Daniel knows how to rock a business casual look – you consistently look like a tool. Apparently when you go off your anti-psychotic medication, your hair gets bigger. Can we judge the level of crazy by the height of Tyler’s pompadour? Right now, he’s verging on Threat Level Buddy Holly and he’s got the Grayson’s by the balls. I’d hate to see him at Threat Level Lyle Lovett.

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This week, Nolan was a little off his game, but I’m attributing it to his naive trust in technology. First off all, he doesn’t even have a collar to pop as he shows Emily Tyler’s whereabouts via the Super Spy iPad app. And although we love us a shirtless man ‘round these parts, I wasn’t swooning over Nolan. Don’t get me wrong, I love him to bits, but I like a burly fella (i.e. Jack). Once he does realize that the Tyler problem might not be totally solved, he throws on his best neon polo and thoroughly pops that collar. I love his solution for getting rid of Tyler – “I’ll just gas up a gulfstream and you’ll be here by 9 p.m., OK?”. Christ, that’s decadent.

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For a few minutes, we get to slum with the working class as Jack and Amanda flirt over washing clams. You know, a less mature writer would have a field day with clam innuendo… but I’m a lady, assface.

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I think I’ve come up with a great study aid for SAT analogies – Jack:Handsome :: Amanda:Trashy. Works, right? Jack, what are you doing with this broad? Does anyone else find it a little unsettling that he and the real Amanda fell in love when they were like 9-years old? When I was 9, I had a crush on Spider-Man. When they were 9, they had fully actualized emotions about another human being and were ready to commit. Something’s not right, yo.


Oh, just in case you weren’t sure how crazy Tyler could be – he’s sitting in the dark waiting for Daniel to come home. I tried to do that once to scare a friend. I gave up after ten minutes and started to drink their beer and watch television. Different strokes, I guess.

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