Seriously, trying to recap this episode is like trying to recap a chess game. An awesome, sexy chess game. Everybody’s got their own little schemes at this point and I don’t know if I totally understand everything that’s going on. But I do know that it’s AWESOME!

For instance, BAM! Out of nowhere, Ashley is like an evil genius and SO PRETTY:

Her pink lipstick here, with the pink blush, artfully tousled hair, fake lashes and gorgeous skin? Why haven’t I noticed how pretty she was before? I guess it’s like with Daniel, as soon as a character becomes more interesting, you pay attention to them more.

 

And her pink dress this week? Knocked it out of the park.

Outfit of the week, anyone? Yeah, that’s a unanimous decision. It’s interesting that Emily’s outfits were so bland the same week that Ashley was working it hardcore in this fuschia beauty. With the studded bracelet and skinny black belt? WANT.

You can’t even see in this picture, but there’s a visible black zipper running down the back that keeps it looking fresh and modern. Yes, girlfriend is in cahoots with TYLER of all people, but once he’s been Red Sharpie’d I bet she’ll do just fine scheming on her own.

 

And if you’re like me, I know you’ve stayed up nights wondering what to I wear for a dinner date with the guy I thought was into me, but who is really a gay hustler, and my possible new accomplice in social climbing my way through the Hamptons?

Answer: THIS.

She is like a column of British goddess AMAZINGNESS and she deserves SO MUCH BETTER than to be Tyler’s girl Friday. The gold bow belt over the dress just seals the deal. Ashley may just be the best-dressed person on this entire show. Bravo, party planner.

 

Her partner in crime, ODIOUS TYLER, had some soap-style dramz this week. First, we see him taking a MYSTERIOUS PILL (choking it back with a stiff head jerk, like all fine soap opera actors):

Hmm, can’t quite make out the name of the drug on that label… let me just look a bit closer:

Clozapine. According to teh internets, this is used for psychotic disorders including schizophrenia. So I bet it’s no big deal that Tyler ran out of pills this week, right?

 

Oh, I guess one effect of Clozapine withdrawal is sudden lack of fashion sense amiright?

Just compare this to Daniel wearing a suit. Tyler’s shirt and pants are too big (are they Daniel’s, maybe, and he’s borrowing them?), and he’s dressing like a 50-year-old accountant. Deffo not the way to win Conrad’s affection.

 

Neither is blackmail, but apparently that keeps you from getting fired! Or maybe it was just that Conrad could smell the crazy, emanating off of Tyler like too much aftershave.

Because SERIOUSLY? Would you invest your money with this guy? Oh, Nolan, honey, I’m so sorry you’re so socially isolated that you fell for this guy.

 

This is not going to end well.

Meanwhile, in this week’s episode of The Tyler Chronicles, our hero appeared in a charming red-white-and-pink ensemble, including these KILLER topsiders:

LOVE. WANT. (The shoes, and Nolan, just to be clear)

 

He went with one popped collar, one unpopped collar this week – matching a stripey shirt with a solid coloured polo. AMAZEBALLS. He’s like a gorgeous blond candy cane!

 

For a night on the town (i.e. in Jack’s bar: The Only Pub In The Hamptons) he just adds a white sport jacket and a red pocket square and he’s good to go:

 

And THEN! 

THEN!

He meets up with Emily on the beach, wearing these OFF THE HOOK plaid madras shorts, with another amazeballs candy cane striped top (I told you this was a Very Special Revenge [!!!] Xmas!)

Oh, his legs are so skinny and pale. That just makes me love him more, if that were possible.

 

But then the heartbreak kicks in. First, we find out that he genuinely cared about Tyler (seriously? Oh, Nolan), then he finds out that Tyler knows about the sex tape, then Tyler throws his laptop into the pool, which leaves Nolan like this:

Brokenhearted Nolan!

(Note his popped-collar black and white striped polo, matched with a white sport coat. Even when he’s being reverse-blackmailed, he’s still got style for miles.)

 

And then!!! He realized that Emily has kinda double-crossed him, and Nolan’s like this:

Betrayed Nolan! (complete with tears!)

The poor guy. I just want to give him a hug, and then go shopping for polo shirts and boat shoes with him. And then go for cocktails. In Monte Carlo. Call me, Nolan!