This week, on a Very Special Xmas Revenge (!!!) : After a counselling/karate (kung fu?) session with The Revenge Sensei, Emily sets the wheels in motion to get her enemies to destroy one another. Little does she know, everybody else has their own scheming going on, which makes one beautiful hot mess of an episode. Daniel tells Conrad that Tyler used underhanded means to get Nolan’s investment, Nolan pulls his investment from Tyler, Emily makes Daniel think he’s landed Revenge Sensei as a client, Conrad files for divorce from Queen V, Queen V gets the awesomest divorce attorney ever, Fake-Amanda gets closer to Jack (with help from a faked childhood diary that Fake-Emily faked). Desperate for a plotline, Charlotte and Declan decide to move in together, but change their minds 2 minutes later. And Sam the Dog totes knows who’s the Real Emily and who’s the Real Amanda, but does anybody listen to him? Sadly, no.

 

I don’t know much about martial arts, but I do know that a black belt means you’ve reached the top level of skill. So, it’s no surprise that Emily “fluent in Japanese AND treachery!” Thorne accessorizes her white outfit with a black belt:

 

And her mysterious Revenge Sensei (forever known to me as “X”, which is how he’s listed in her phone) gets to wear a black… EVERYTHING.

He even had on a black wrist brace, y’all. Black belts are pretty great, but how much of a master do you have to be to get the black do-rag AND the black wrist brace? X is hardcore… and also suspects that Emily is kind of falling for Daniel.

 

How else to explain her blandy mcbland outfits this week? She’s so luuurvesick she’s forgotten how washed out beige makes her look:

This barely even counts as an outfit. Girlfriend has a rockin’ bod – why cover all that light under a beige-covered bushel?

 

The colour-blocked dress she wore for “friendly” lunch with Daniel and Queen V was a better choice, but the fit seemed a bit off:

It emphasizes her waist, but the top is just all kinds of Project Runway “you have 10 seconds to tailor this dress!” wrong. However, the colours look lovely on her – she needs to embrace the jewel tones and avoid the beige…

STEP AWAY FROM THE BEIGE, YOU FABULOUS TEMPTRESS. The lace detail is cute, and at least it fits better than the other beige, but Em’s outfits this week brought the ZZZs. X told her to avoid the explosion (of dramz) and I think she’s taking that literally, trying to blend in and avoid suspicion/attention.

 

I also give snaps for wearing a sensible one-piece swimsuit. When was the last time anybody on any TV show EVER wore a one-piece? Note: the rockin’ bod. Memo to Fake-Amanda: you don’t have to slut it up 24/7 to look superferosh.

 

She’s so busy playing at being Emily Thorne, it was nice to catch two glimpses of Real Amanda, in her youth. First up, when she was separated from Jack and Sam The Dog in a very Hamptons Jr. ensemble, complete with mini deck shoes:

How anybody could mistake Fake-Amanda as the grown version of this cutie pie is a TOTAL MYSTERY. Yes, she had curly hair, but would this girl grow up to wear booty shorts cut so high her booty actually FALLS OUT OF THEM? I think not.

 

Anyway, we also get a taste of Emo Teen Amanda in her “fresh outta juvie!” jean jacket ensemble. The stripey shirt adds a slight touch of the nautical/preppy look she grows up to enjoy.

 

Meanwhile, on the other side of the economy, Amanda is running around with one of Jack’s henleys and the same pair of booty (emphasis on the BOOTY) shorts (emphasis on the SHORT) from last week.

 

She coerces Jack into taking her shopping. That’s a smitten guy, right there – going clothes shopping with your GF of like one week. The results of this shopping trip is her delightfully misguided attempt at Hamptons nautical prepster style:

Luurve the white peacoat, but with a skintight blue cami inside? And weirdly-fitting camel coloured jeggings? Seriously, you guys, the camel jeggings were all kinds of wrong – I guess she went overboard in avoiding cameltoe by buying a pair where the crotch sits at mid-thigh.

 

She cleans up OK (it wouldn’t kill her to brush her hair every now and then) but I think we all know that Fake-Amanda/Real-Emily’s natural habitat is something closer to this:

“O hai! Just digging in the dirt under your porch. No bigs! It just reminds me of my childhood, or whatevs.”

 

And apparently this is the other half of her shopping spree finds – a skintight white cami and a pair of cargo pants.

Bringing the Chino style to the Hamptons, beeeyotches!

 

Seriously. How could Jack ever think that Fake-Amanda is actually Amanda? LISTEN TO YOUR DOG! THE DOG KNOWS!