Episode Synposis: ChIvy gets blackmailed (and gets a nickname…you’ll see), Grandpa Vanderbilt meddles, Grandma CeCe passes out, Serena dresses like a James Bond villain, and Chuck does for green socks what Carrie Bradshaw and the Girls did for cosmos.

We open with Blair writing – or attempting to write – Thank You cards. Shockingly, gratitude isn’t one of Mees Blair’s best suits. “Why should I thank someone for a blender? Do I look like the kind of girl that makes margaritas?”

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No Blair, you do not. What you do look like is someone who’s slowly being strangled. All that volumnous fabric (plus a turtleneck, plus an oppressive fiance) will do that to you.

 

We cut to Blair and Chuck in therapy, where Chuck is wearing the greatest socks ever crafted by the hands of man. What does the color green represent? Life. Rebirth. Growth. OK, this isn’t a Terrence Malick movie, but for a guy who always dresses so dark, those Kermit colored socks show he’s coming back to life from a broken heart.

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Blair’s aforementioned turtleneck dress goes against my basic “Dress for your figure” philosophy. She isn’t showing yet, so girlfriend needs to ditch the Barnum & Bailey approved circus tent and flaunt that UES approved bod. I will say that the vertical black lines of her stockings work perfect for her stems. All the best fashion in this scene is from the knee down. How many times has that happened in an episode of Gossip Girl?

 

Back in her bed, hugging a pillow that is literally half her size, Blair is sulking; unsure of who she loves and who loves her back.

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I know what I love (besides Dorota) – Blair’s lacy nightgown. Does this girl have an endless supply of fabulous nighttime attire?

 

If Chuck and Nate had a “suit-off” who would you vote for?

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They are both pretty standard looking to me. Maybe if Chuck wore a suit the color of his green socks…

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Hmmm. Nevermind.

Anyway, Nate. Nate has started wearing boring suits…did you notice? He’s either playing boss, or it’s “Bring you Grandson to Work Day”.

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I guess they’re the same thing, come to think of it.

Hello, cute co-worker! She’s not glamorous enough to be worked into the storyline, so instead let’s admire her apple green notebook, pop of purple, and blingy chains while we can. Congratulations on the scene, Gossip Girl extra. Now go frame that SAG card!

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Grandpa vdB pops in to chat about cousin Tripp’s latest scandal (yeah, we’re still spelling it with 2 Ps…we’re old school like that), and to show Nate how to wear a suit.

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Meanwhile, in the land of arrowhead-shaped-hairlines (say that three times fast), Dan and his agent Allesandra are thinking of ways to drum up publicity for his book.

Allesandra looks appropriate enough in her agent-woman suit, but did Dan get those jeans from a Brett Favre Wrangler commercial? They are so very blue. I’m fully expecting him to go load a pickup truck with something dirty, and then readjust his baseball cap while looking out onto the horizon and feeling pride for an honest day’s work and an honest day’s wage.

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But no, he’s just going to sit around and Tweet about himself. See, this is why America is in trouble. It’s people like you, Dan Humphrey. YOU!