It’s Champagne Sorrows time where taking your friends to a penthouse in Vegas is as commonplace as pouring a glass of milk.

This week’s episode:
90210: “Vegas, Maybe?”

 

Can you say road trip? Well, Naomi can when it comes to chasing down her beau, so she’s flying all her friends to The Vegas! I can’t even begin to imagine how fabulous it would be to have Naomi as a friend. Sure, she’s batshit crazy, but she’s also filthy rich. Not to be counted out, the most famous abs in Beverly Hills decides he can afford to book the penthouse that will fit everyone. Thanks for making me feel forever inadequate, Abercrombie & Fitch. It’s a trip full of intrigue and heartache as Navid gets to pretend he’s on “The Wire”, Annie and Naomi find out some nasty boyfriend truths, and Dixon struggles with his new addiction of being addicted to mostly anything that comes his way. What happens in Vegas, will definitely NOT stay in Vegas because these kids thrive on the dramz.

Can I start off this post with a little Silver love fest? The girl does not know how to make a mistake with the fashions. Alright, this week was a little heavy on the flowing silk pieces and head-to-toe prints, but it looks great so who cares? That’s what I love about Silver – she dresses for the occasion. Which is pretty rare these days unless there’s a giant red carpet in front of you. My favourite look is in the top right corner next to Naomi’s “I Dream Of Jeannie” tribute: a low cut romper with tousled hair and aviators. Glam.

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Speaking of Naomi, she’s had a rough week with Austin. I mean it shouldn’t be a big deal, girl just wants to celebrate his b-day right? WRONG. When your boyfriend’s dad is secretly the King of Country Assholes, Billy Ray Cyrus, birthdays suddenly becoming as big a deal as the Country Music Awards. On a lighter note, I’ll admit, I’m jealous of Austin’s denim shirt collection. He has so many shades of blue! But I suppose you’d have to dress it down when you’re an urban cowboy whose girlfriend is clearly not afraid to lay it out. Seriously, Naomi? You’re just sashaying through the hotel lobby in that swimsuit? It’s hot, but it’s barely even an idea of a swimsuit. I guess that’s why you have that amazing gold (bordering on chartreuse?) wrap.

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What can I say about Annie? She brings the fashion in her own, special way… that you can easily buy for yourself at Anthropologie/Urban Outfitters/Aritzia. Florals? You betcha! Pattern that borders on mod-retro? Of course! Evening wear that doesn’t complement your daytime style at all? Well, obviously. I died seeing her and Naomi both rock a sequined mini-dress for their sexy rendezvous; it was like a scene from “Showgirls”. Annie, here’s a pro-tip: if you met your older, millionaire “boyfriend” while you were working as an escort, he won’t stay faithful. How do I know? BECAUSE YOU’RE AN ESCORT. The only thing saving you this week for me is that ridiculously cute beaded belt on your swimsuit. It’s the perfect pop of colour and… oh balls… am I back into belts?

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Huh, I just realized the Wilson kids have got some serious issues. One is naive call girl and the other can’t indulge in a single vice without becoming a serious addict. Dixon, from me to you, listen up – I’m here to help. We can get through this together but the first step is acknowledging the problem. Now say it with me: My name is Dixon, and I have bad taste in hats. 

In fairness, I have to say that I like the grey porkpie hat a lot, but it might be due to pairing it with navy and red that has me sold. The key to successfully wearing a hat? Show your forehead. See the difference between fun, easy going Dixon on the right, and the shady, got-something-to-hide Dixon on the left? Trust me – I wear a lot of hats.

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Of course, I shouldn’t be so hard on Dixon, he is going through a rough time right now. So rough, in fact, that he’s started messing about with Adriana. Or should I call her BRAIDriana? Confession: in junior high, I thought it would be cool if I could grow my hair long like Dave Grohl and then braid it like he did in the “Learn To Fly” video. It didn’t pan out (thank Baby and Grown-Up Jesus). Remember when I said this girl knows how to rock a sundress? Well… was I right or was I right? Besides, that green made her eyes like sensual emerald lasers. 

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So, here’s the thing about Teddy – I don’t like him. He’s kind of annoying, his hair (colour and moveability) bothers me on an emotional level, and I think he’s insipid. Pus, he (probably) doesn’t even appreciate the amazing plaid shirt he’s wearing, nor did he wear a skimpy swimsuit in Vegas. I mean, what’s the point of spending hours in the gym if you can’t squeeze into a pair of trunks and pose for a “candid” Instagram shot? Oh, and Shane’s hair is just a pile of yikes. What is this? An episode of “Friends” in ’99? Hey, Joey Tribbiani, use some product.

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But enough about those people, we all know why you’re here – shirtless men. It’s OK, like Dixon, the first step of the process is admitting you have a problem. But with guys like Liam – this ain’t no problem I want to get rid of.

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BAM. Who knew Navid had it goin’ on? Or that Dixon is on his way to becoming a most adorable little bear cub? Note: in the vast world of gay men, dudes who border on the burly side of things, and who aren’t chiseled like Liam, fall into the Bear family. Dixon has time before he’s there – but I can spot a potential Bear from a mile away.

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So, remember when I mentioned that Austin’s dad was Billy Ray Cyrus? I wasn’t joking. As far as guest stars go, I’d take Billy Ray or Vinny from Jersey over P.Hilton any day of the week, month, year, century, and so forth. Do you think their stipulations for the episode were:

Billy Ray: ALL THE FRINGE. EVERY LAST STRAND OF LEATHER SHALL BE MINE.
Vinny: It’s going to be like my show, right? ‘Cuz I can’t act – unless the role is douchebag.

I also threw in Ivy as a cameo because… you know. Alright, two quick things about Ivy: 1) I can only imagine the turmoil her character is going through, but can we stop using Raj’s cancer treatments as a “things aren’t so bad” story accelerant? And 2) can you stop painting her as a completely devastated individual who couldn’t possibly deal with her husband’s illness in a healthy, positive manner? OK, I’m done – thank you. Character waste really puts fire in my belly.

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So, it looks like the kids had a great time in The Vegas. Navid didn’t get shanked during his guest spot on “The Wire”, Naomi and Austin didn’t progress as a couple, Annie remembered that she’s a hook- I mean, escort, and we all learned a valuable lesson about being true to yourself thanks to Teddy and Shane. Oh, and Liam lost a face full of money, but managed to gain some back by showing a pair of brass ones to Vinny from Jersey. You bluffed on a pair of 8s? Dude, can’t you just hawk your abs for some quick cash? Side note: I just found out that to sell something by shouting is actually spelled “hawk”, not “hock”. I’ve been looking like an idiot all these years.

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Yup, thankfully nothing too crazy that could be easily manipulated by Brandy to ruin your dad’s Conservative political campaign happened, right Teddy?

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Time to vote, darlings…