Jeez, a girl sets out to destroy a few dozen lives and suddenly everybody’s rooting against her? There have only been 7 episodes, how does she have so many enemies already?

Starting with Intense Security Guy Frank, who’s half out to AVENGE (!!) his layoff from the Graysons and half out to win the heart of Victoria. Here’s his look when Emily finds him chillaxing in her casa: rumpled suit (like he hasn’t changed since Queen V broke his heart & fired him) and oversized firearm (borrowed from Emily).

 

He’s like a dog with a bone, sensing that something’s off about Emily and checking under every rock to find out what it is. I wonder how he managed to track down this strip club… could it be the neon stripper silhouette added to the side of this otherwise-innocuous building? (Note, he’s still wearing the same rumpled suit – has he even taken a bathroom break in his failed quest?)

 

And it is under that same glowing neon stripper that Frank finally meets his maker… or does he? Seriously, though, when Real Emily Thorne was like “Did you tell anybody else about me? No? OK, meet me in the parking lot in one hour,” that he was obviously about to get a crowbar to the skull from THE NOXZEMA GIRL!

 

Seriously. Did you not think of The Noxema Girl once we saw Real Emily Thorn out of her stripper wig? On the left, Real Emily Thorn. On the right, Rebecca Gayheart before the whole vehicular homicide thing, and before she married McSteamy:

 

 

Whether you see the comparison or not, I cover Real Emily’s curls. How does she think the blond wig is better stripper hair? When I was writing the mini-recap I gave best-dressed honours to Real Emily’s sassy stripper-cop outfit. I do still think it’s fab, but upon re-watching, I may have to change my mind… stay tuned for the next part for deets.

 

Anyway, here’s Real Emily in her stripperific glory. Don’t you think she’s kind of an overdressed stripper? Like, I don’t know how she plans to strip out of that bodysuit in any sort of graceful manner.

 

Anyway, after she TOTALLY MURDERS FRANK, she shows up on Emily’s doorstep looking all wholesome and sweet in this stripey tee. Why did I put her in the “enemies” category? Well, I don’t think she’s making a social call on her ex-roommie. Frank told her that Emily’s dating the son of a multi-billionaire, and I think Real Emily’s out for some hush-hush money.

I also think the Hamptons are going to get even awesomer now that she’s in town. MURDER STRIPPER!

 

Declan makes a surprise appearance in the enemies category, too. Why is he so obsessed with having Emily get together with Jack? Why does he think Emily led Jack on? Why is he wearing so many silver rings?

Seriously. That’s like three rings in one hand. He really should have taken Charlotte up on her offer to dress him. Remember? When she went to talk to him on the oyster-shucking pier, she offered him a bag of clothes and he refused.

 

I understand if you forgot that scene, it happened in front of the world’s worst greenscreen harbourfront “special” “effect”:

“I am totes really on a pier! Look at the water and ships behind me! Also, those were not at all somebody else’s hands shucking the oyster! I am an actor of many talents!”

 

And what’s a discussion of Emily’s many enemies without mentioning that festering wound of skeevetastic annoyance, Tyler “eyeballs like dartboards for THE SHARPIE OF DOOM” McAwfulstein. Here is, modelling the latest nautical wear for psychotic douchelords:

 

And then here he is, just hangin’ out all relaxed and shizz in his purple polo and aviators:

Oh, sorry, did I say he was looking relaxed here? Rather, he’s demonstrating how by clenching every muscle in his body, he’s able to keep from reaching over and murdering Daniel and Emily, so undisguised is his hatred of both of them.

 

He’s still got this purple polo on later, when blackmail-time turns into sexytimes chez Nolan:

 

And now Tyler’s sucked Ashley into his Web Of Douchery. Or, maybe she was always an asshole and we just never noticed before. She’s always been well-dressed, but now we learn that she’s only working for the Graysons as Step One in a pretty stupid plan to become rich herself.

Whatevs, her shoes here are ferosh and I love her separates. This is how you do classic American sportswear.

Those shoes are OFF THE HOOK. If your party planner shows up looking like this, watch your back, is what I learned this week.

 

This look is cute, but I’m distracted by a) how she can hold hands with Tyler without vomiting, and b) what’s that splash of yellow behind them?

 

Why, it’s the brightest dressed extra EVER! This lady was seriously in the background of this ENTIRE SCENE and I kind of love her.

When it turns out in the season finale that this lady is the one who shot Daniel? I reserve the right to say “told you so.” Because why else would they make one extra stand out this much? Or maybe she’s the costume designer, and she chose her own outfit – knowing how much it would stand out – and she just snuck onto the set. Who knows? Just a little extra slice of awesome in this week’s mega-awesome-overload episode.

 

What were we talking about? Oh, right, the suddenly-maybe-evil Ashley. And her cute party dress.

Actually, it’s not even that cute. Maybe turning suddenly evil makes you lose your fashion sense.