We’re back in the Screening Room asking that age old question: if a sonogram falls in an empty womb, will Andrew make a sound?

This week’s episodes:
Ringer – “Oh Gawd, There’s Two of Them” (to which I say, “Hooo lawdy loo – that’s your title”?)
Hart of Dixie – too busy tending the farm this week.

 

So, Ringer… 

You guys – I’m just not getting “Ringer”. Wait, that’s a lie — I know everything that’s happening, I just don’t care anymore. If Shivette doesn’t stop talking in her hushed, yet strained tones, I’m going to scream in her absence. Buffy would never have taken that shit lying down; girlfriend was always ‘a hollerin’. Anyway, a lot happened this week, and while we’re busy catching up, we can take solace in the fact that at least there was major soap. Twin Peaks are rocking as their usual selves, although Shivette looks a little worse for wear. Juliet becomes the responsible one? Andrew suddenly loves his wife? Henry is sad? I’ve gotta say, I’ve seen better collections in a pawn shop than this cast of characters.

Oh, Henry… where do I begin? His jacket is quite nice, but it looks like a suede fabric. Dude, if you’re going to wear a killer biker jacket, it’s got to be leather. I’m sorry, but these are the rules. Just check out the cast of Vampire Diaries. I will say, however, that I prefer Henry in a suit, which is just not his style (nor my type). Nope, it’s all t-shirts and sweaters for this chap, which I’m more than fine with.

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Aww, take a look at these fine people – no one here could commit murder! It would be most foul, indeed. I mean, there’s the lovable Charlie, who’s ready to lend a hand, especially when it involves hiding bodies. There’s also Mr. Carpenter, who should really get involved in his students’ lives – oh wait, he’s at the scene of Juliet’s car accident first. Interesting.

The feds this week were kind of hilarious. Machado is trying so hard to pull off a Good Cop/Bad Cop routine that I actually feel sorry for him… and his guyliner. Which the actor says is natural. Much like Scarlett Johansson not being a vain bitch is natural. But it all pales in comparison to this chick’s bangs and necklace placement. Listen, the Wintour bangs only work for two people in my life: Anna Wintour and fellow YKYLF staffer L-A. Done deal, cowboy. But my real issue was that necklace – straighten that shit out, sister; I was mad distracted last night.


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And there. it. is. Ladies and a few gentleman – Malcolm is topless and spectacular. You know, if you’re using QuickTime to watch this program, you can fast forward and rewind until you’re satisfied. Not that I’ve done it a few dozen times when no one was looking. It just makes it look like he’s taking his shirt on and off, over and over.

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Whew, now that was a little piece of alright. But, you know what would be even more amazing? If Andrew got a little topless as well and decided to party with Malcolm. Come on, you know he’s hiding a fantastic body under there. I just need to find it. Right now, it’s buried under some large, and unfortunately patterened pieces. It’s almost as if he wants to be a dad (again) really bad… hope that works out for him.

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D’awww, look at those two… in the prime of their lives. Andrew, ready to love again, and Bridget/Siobhan, who looks like she’s going to give birth to cleavage. Who would have thought that a former drug addict would turn out to be some sort of criminal mastermind who’s faking a pregnancy to stay off the streets. I wouldn’t trust this broad for a second. She’s the type that would steal your vital organs and leave you in a tub of ice without a note.

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Of all the photos from this week’s “Ringer”, I think Flashback Bridget is my favourite. Why? Because she didn’t give a single fuck (DGASF4lyfe). Look at her, all coy like, “this is the world news?”, and thinking, you’ll much prefer watching “The Real World”. I’m not sure what kind of pleather animal she murdered for that piece of maternity wear that is basically screaming, “I’M NOT PREGZ, YO”, but at least we can attribute her fainting spell to the chandeliers she wore to the gala.

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Siobhan, how is it that you’re living in Paris and dressing like some freshman sorority sister who just broke up with her first boyfriend? Granted, anything looks stunning on her, but I feel there could be more. Something alluring, something thought provoking… something that says, “I’m the bad twin”? What happened to your freaky dominatrix inspired threads?

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Well, my dear Juliet, it’s been a busy week hasn’t it? You’ve adjusted to public school fairly quickly, but you can’t forget who you are, right? Indignant looks whilst chatting on your cell as you organize a night of teenage debauchery in front of daddykins? Actually, there’s nothing inherently posh about that – you’re just a normal teenager, except there’s that trust fund thing. I appreciated that her track jacket and shirt matched Andrews pink and blue combo from earlier. 

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This is just a handy little inforgraphic, showing the stages of intoxication when you start drinking at 15 years-old. The middle girl? Well, you know that extra is pimping this episode to all of her friends. “I play ‘Drunk Gal #3’ and answer the door! Those years studying at NYU really paid off!” The chick in the green dress is fantastic. I love the kimono like feel to her look. Oh, and if I was Juliet, I’d leave Monica alone after bitchslapping her. That trust fund thing I mentioned earlier? It’s gone because Drunky McBarfPants wouldn’t chill and let Juliet handle the sitch. Amateurs.

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Yes! Step it out, honeychild! The sundress doesn’t exacatly do it for me from a construction point of view, but I’m loving the colours. For post de-trust-funding, a zipper on the front of your dress will allow for a quick costume change into appropriate sobbing clothes. I have to ask: was Juliet also drunk when she bought this? It’s a little too “Blonde Ambition Tour” for my tastes. Man, hit a J.Crew or something, sister.

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So, what did we think of “Ringer” this week? Like? Love? Or did you fast forward? Frankly, I’m finding it a little boring. Let loose some secrets, or bring back The Murder Trunk. Give me something ridiculous to latch onto! Maybe a Murder Bike? Or a Bank Robbery Hamster? Oh well, if you guys like it, I’ll recap it – no quesitons asked. It’s what we do.

 

But I would never want to assume. What did you think? VOTE!