YOU GUYS! THIS SHOW! I JUST… OK. So, it’s Queen V and King C’s 25th wedding anniversary, and they hate one another just as much as the day they got married. Emily entrusts Nolan for his first solo takedown, sending him to get dirt on Tyler. Nolan discovers Tyler used to be a gay hustler, and so they TOTALLY DO IT! But it’s all part of Nolan’s soon-to-be-revealed REVENGE (!!!) plan. BUT THEN! Frank tracks down Amanda Clarke’s former juvie roommate, now working as a stripper. He phones Victoria to let her know Emily is not Emily, but then Real Emily Thorne TOTALLY HITS HIM ON THE HEAD WITH A CROWBAR! TWICE! AND LEAVES HIM IN A DITCH! And then she shows up at Fake Emily’s Hamptons beach house with Frank’s phone…

Emily’s Target
Third week in a row with no RED SHARPIE OF DOOM. Much as I want to see it lodged directly in Tyler’s eyeball, Emily’s too busy with Frank and Tyler’s scheming to get in any of her own Revenge (!!!).  

Gala of the Week
The Grayson’s 25th Anniversary Dinner is just like the marriage it’s celebrating: a total mess. Tyler is a no-show because he’s too busy TOTALLY DOING IT WITH NOLAN, which upsets Ashley (who was supposed to be his date). And then Declan goes postal on everybody, calling them all out as liars and hypocrites. But Charlotte thinks that’s hot, so it works out for the teens. 

Best Dressed 
How can I not give this to Real Emily Thorne’s surprisingly tasteful stripper-cop ensemble? Those boots are FABULOUS and she was working the hat and belt. I also need to point out that in one critical scene, Nolan’s collar looked like it may have been at HALF-POP – popped up on the left and down on the right. That perfectly summarizes his moral ambiguity this week.

Most Soapy Moment
Again, it goes to Real Emily Thorne taking down Frank with a crowbar in the stip club parking lot? I’m pretty excited about this new murderous stripper character. Throw in a long-lost evil twin (and/or someone with crazy multiple personalities), and it’s officially THE BEST SOAP OPERA EVER MADE.


Who’s the lucky writer who gets to do Friday’s full recap? Oh, ME! Ann! Now, I need to go back and watch this awesomesauce all over again. REVENGE! (!!!)