Welcome back to the Scotch-Soaked 60’s, a.k.a. The Time Before Spanx.
This week’s episode
Pan Am – “Eastern Exposure”
So! I have to agree with all of the previous recappers that the eyeliner in this series is GENIUS. For realsies. If the ladies and gents in the makeup room don’t get an Emmy nom, they obviously don’t appreciate true makeup artistry.
This week, Kate (Worst Spy Ever) is given a really easy spy job (deliver a camera) and manages to completely mess it up. She blames her sister Laura, who’s had enough of that shizz, and who then moves in with Maggie. Also, the pilot and co-pilot have a pissing match about who’s the better pilot, or whatevs. Do we care about the men on this show? Yeah, that’s right, we don’t.
The Pan Am ladies were all psyched to find out that this week they got to go to the tropics! And I am too? Why? SWIMSUIT COMPETITION!
First runner up, representing New York, is Maggie! She’s tres chic, suited up in an adorable (and much skimpier than the other ladies’ choices) blue polka-dot bikini.
Golf claps for Christina Ricci’s side-eye here. She’s like, “Step out of my sun, or I will cut you.”
Miss Congeniality? Laura! She’s started to edge from ingenue to glamazon in this flattering but modest white (crochet?) suit:
I also really liked her matching white swimcap when she later won a swimming race against one of the man clones on this show. I’m surprised this suit is waterproof, actually.
And the winner of Miss Pan Am’s SWIMSUIT COMPETITION IS… Miss France, Colette, who I really wish had more to do this week besides look fabulous by the pool:
This is how I suntan too, you guys. Sensible hat, shades, SPF100 and a trashy magazine. Keep on keepin’ on, Colette. I’ll just sit back and wait for you to get a spinoff.
Thanks for showing up, Kate. True to her name, Worst Spy Ever, also gets the Worst Pool Attire Ever:
I mean, the eyeliner is obviously to die for (and clearly waterproof) but the shapeless white cover-up? The high-waisted salmon-striped bikini? The matching salmon-coloured sunglasses? She was chosen to be the Pan Am spy because… why again? Have the spymasters MET Colette?
Seriously. Kate doesn’t blend in with the locals like Maggie and Laura do, when they head out for a night on the town.
Check out Laura in her party ensemble:
OK, so Laura’s look is still kind of unpolished and matronly, but at least she looks like she’s having a good time in the tropics. Snaps for the wicker bag, too – probably a souvenir. And check out how fierce she is when she stumbles back to the hotel, slightly drunk, with some guy’s hat:
Drunktastic. I think Laura’s style is going to have a distinct rise in fabulosity now that she and Maggie are new BFFs.
And here’s Maggie’s party style:
Coyote Ugly, what? Maggie clearly invented table-dancing, in Jakarta, in the early 60s. Also? That purple striped dress is mad flattering on C-Ricci’s figure, and just the right mix of fun and sass. Outfit of the week? Sorry Colette, I think Maggie wins this round.
Meanwhile, Worst Spy Ever is wringing her hands around Indonesia in the most conspicuous outfit ever:
I mean, as a sensible dress to wear to the office where you’re working as an underling to Joan Holloway? Perfect, actually. The brown belt and green colour work great with Kate’s hair and colouring. But undercover, surrounded by girls dressed like Laura and Maggie? I think we can all trust her spy predeceasor, Bridget, would not have made this faux pas.
Also, Bridget wouldn’t have stupidly left the SECRET SPY CAMERA in her handbag in the hotel room, but that goes without saying.
Anyway, Worst Spy picks a fight with Laura basically because Kate knows she’s the Worst Spy Ever, but needs to take it out on someone. In this case, poor Laura and her shortie pajamas and hair curlers:
Kate’s like, “Laura! You need to act like a grown-up! You’re wearing bunny slippers!”
And Laura’s like, “I like my bunny slippers!” Before this can denigrate into a kind of Mommy Dearest “NO WIRE HANGERS EVER!” type conversation, Laura sensibly stomps off in the most fabulous slippers ever:
Oh, Laura. Never change.
So, Worst Spy makes up a thousand excuses to her handler about why she was SIX HOURS LATE delivering the camera (actual reason: she is THE WORST), and somehow he continues to employ her for covert operations. Maybe he’s just hypnotized by the fug pattern on her blue-and-mustard-print skirt suit.
Meanwhile, Laura skips off to be roomies AND besties with the fabulous Maggie in her beatnik orgy apartment. She already looks so much happier, being out from under Laura’s thumb:
Seriously, girlfriend is glowing. And also looks almost exactly like Emma Stone, when Emma Stone was a blond.
Maggie greets her wearing a do-rag, rust-orange velour top and matching orange velour capris:
Hmm. Maybe Laura will introduce Maggie to the appeal of separates. Maybe they’ll be good influences on each other.
But in the meantime, Kate as a spy REALLY? Is there a shortage of spies? Are they secretly using her as a weapon against U.S. interests? Because anyone would be a better pick. For instance…
1) The telegram office hipster! Not only are his glasses totally boss, but he managed to drive Kate to the brink of a nervous breakdown WHILE getting a few more bucks off her in exchange for directions (…to the store next door. Well played, hipster).
2) This incredibly strangely dressed passenger! Why not wear a pink dress with an orange belt and a fuschia party hat for your international flight? Distract everyone with your clown outfit, then steal all of their government secrets:
Oh, and then I have to give a shout-out to the men of Pan Am.
First up is this co-pilot guy, in his outfit for the Men of YKYLF Calendar Shoot. He’s combining the plaid shirt with the open chest but… yeah, I don’t think he’s quite up to par. Thanks for the mai tais, all the same.
We spent a lot of time with co-pilot’s emo broodings about being a fighter pilot, then not being a fighter pilot, and having a boss younger than him, and having Daddy issues. Throughout, I was missing Not Don Draper from the first scene:
Dear show: I understand that your ratings aren’t quite as sky-high as you’d like. My suggestion? More of this guy. Although, I understand Goran Visnjic from ER will be joining the show soon. In which case, I think you’re definitely going in the right direction. Love, YKYLF