Rufus loves Lily, and Lily loves Rufus (we think). I don’t object to men who play it safe with colour, but I do object to those who dress to match their hair and eyes. You are not a chameleon, Rufus, give up the blue and brown and spice it up a little.

 

Lily’s shrouded with disappointment at Bart’s sneaky nature, and also in several layers of black wool. She looks too bundled up and monochromatic, which is why the flouncy purple scarf and matching eyeshadow are welcome. The earrings are a little Dynasty, though, and date her beyond her yummy mummy years.

 

Bart seems unaffected, though his boring businessman palette has gone all navy. Could it be a Bass trait to dress drably when one is unlucky in love?

 

Although Bart never pulls it together (or changes his clothes), Lily throws an absolute ringer. This is one of my favourite outfits of hers.

Very silver screen siren, very age appropriate, Lily dons this classy white/nearly nude pleated gown and beautiful diamond accessories. I’m a big fan of showcasing the arms and clavicle rather than cleavage. This dress’ asymmetric neckline and her softly upswept hair soften what could otherwise be quite a rigid, ice queen look.

 

Rufus is impressed, and we’re impressed with Rufus. A tux – albeit with a tie – quelle surprise!

 

Too bad his daughter can’t dress as chicly.

While the colour of this top is an awful taupe, I really like the shape. The overlapping neckline and the zip-darts make it quite an original piece. A word to the wise, however: darts that close to the bust only work if you are Jenny-shaped, i.e. have no bust. I don’t even object to her jewellery, which is a miracle.

 

Vanessa, however…I object to her very existence. The bomber cut of her jacket is casual but cool and burnt orange looks wonderful with her skin tone, but I don’t like the rolled sleeves or glittery scarf. It looks like something a twelve year old would wear, and also bulks out the jacket’s lovely shape.

 

I think Nate makes out with her to try and balance out his own boring ensembles.

 

Another tux! I do prefer white tie, though.

 

Unlike Vanessa, Penelope, knows how to work with padding. By having her raffia effect coat open over a silk blouse and bowtie collar, she doesn’t disguise her figure. I do object to the profusion of satin, though. She reminds one of a hooker’s bedsheets.

 

The Eighties vomited, and this is a result: multicoloured, sparkly and matched with equally sparkly hoop earrings. This is the sweater of a grandma from Boca, or possibly a tree decoration.

 

Never run away from a good block colour! I’m feeling the Dynasty vibe again, what with all the pulling and tucking that’s gone into Penelope’s lavender blouse, not to mention her Princess Leia slave collar. That thing is just so awkward, it looks more fetishistic than fashionable.

 

Hazel – aka Betty Draper – is always my favourite minion, not least because she keeps it classy even when attempting the pinup look. This deep green dress has a a very flattering plunging neckline, and those heels just scream va-va-voom. My one objection is that her two delicate necklaces are offset by a clunky cuff. Something daintier would suit far better.

 

Still, it could be worse.

She could have Jenny’s neutrals obsession.

 

I only approve of the Courtney Love vibe when it’s glam, which Jenny just misses here by going over the top. Her shiny puffball skirted dress is admissible, but when you add in a fur cape, patterned tights and studded gloves, it’s just too busy. Less textures, more colour, less sabotage please.

 

Little J attempts to ruin Vanessa with this transparent dress, which she actually wears rather well. The plait in her hair matches the braided strap, and is very reminiscent of Blair’s earlier ponytail. No points for such heavy jewellery, but top marks for that wrap: only the border matches the dress with the remainder matte for a lovely contrast.

 

Their names were Buttercup, Bubbles and Blossom…

Penelope’s dress is absolutely foul. The whole thing looks like a mish-mash of dress ideas Jenny threw together and sewed in five minutes. Also, shiny mermaid green? Ewww!

Hazel…meh. Boring hair, surprisingly drab dress, nice call on a bolder necklace. Her bodice needs more structure, and the whole dress needs to be a proper colour rather than a pastel.

I guess Iz wins with her Grecian confection, but only because pink makes her skin glow. She’d look so much nicer in something slinkier, like the dress she gave up to Vanessa. Her upper body is too crowded, with a headband, a high updo, a necklace and a halterneck all competing for attention.

 

But don’t be sad that everyone but our Non-Judging Breakfast Club couldn’t manage to dress themselves (that’s Serena, Blair, Nate and Chuck to you mortals) – soon they’ll all be back to black. Are those sleigh bells I hear, or funeral knells?

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